my life could probably be fine

[SPlathsOven]

honestly, i could probably live a pretty decent/average life. i could get accepted into a fine college, probably get a fine job, and i could probably get a fine family too.
but im so tired and paranoid and i know that i could never live a truly 'normal' life. and even if i did live a completely average life, what's the point? sparing my family and friends some pain i suppose, but i would still be miserable. i feel so stupid knowing that i could live a decent (although probably not well-off in terms of money lol) life but i just cant do it.

and the fact that my life wouldn't be "that bad" makes me feel guilty for being suicidal. others have it so much worse and some lives feel totally irreparable. it's torture knowing that i could live a fine life but my mind still won't let me. idk, it just makes me wonder why me, you know?

 

[passivethought121]

Yep. I always think about how I should endure more trauma to "deserve" feeling this miserable. Nobody deserves misery, but it makes me feel like I'm attention seeking to claim mental illness, even though I don't tell people in my life. I always think about how my parents could've been actually abusive, friends could've been bad or nonexistent, etc. It may be impostor syndrome but I haven't looked into it

 

[Manfrotto99]

May I ask why you feel and know that you could never be happy? Just trying to understand. I thought I could be happy when I was younger if my situation changed, but it never did. That's not the case with alot of people though. I've known others who where suicidal but their lives changed unexpectedly, nothing they did any different to myself, just their luck changed out of the blue and they became happy. I get happiness out of caring for my elderly dog and garden. But once my dog goes I will not be able to afford another and I won't have a garden for long. I will be homeless due to lack of finances and that is inevitable. My depression is largely situational though. Maybe yours is more biological and nothing you've tried helps?

 

[SPlathsOven]

May I ask why you feel and know that you could never be happy? Just trying to understand. I thought I could be happy when I was younger if my situation changed, but it never did. That's not the case with alot of people though. I've known others who where suicidal but their lives changed unexpectedly, nothing they did any different to myself, just their luck changed out of the blue and they became happy. I get happiness out of caring for my elderly dog and garden. But once my dog goes I will not be able to afford another and I won't have a garden for long. I will be homeless due to lack of finances and that is inevitable. My depression is largely situational though. Maybe yours is more biological and nothing you've tried helps?

i just can't cope with the general state of the world, although there are some good individuals it doesn't feel like enough to make a change (at least not in my lifetime so)
plus i have a lot of mental illnesses and paranoia that i'll probably never have the money or time to treat. even if i did, my family doesn't react well to that stuff. adding onto that, i'm queer and my family is conservative and really...conspiratorial and religious so my relationship with them will always be strange anyway.
i do love my pets, but if i go to college, i'd be leaving them anyway so either way i wouldn't see them anymore. and in general i'm not good at relationships with other people, i've only really connected with one (maybe two) people, and they have other friends and social circles anyway so i think they'd manage to get over it. life just seems to be suffering until you die, so why not just...suffer less?