My last wish

[OnlyTheWind]

I've cried myself to sleep for the last two nights, because I can't stop thinking about her. She never replied to me on FB or accepted my friend request, which is telling. At this point, I am happy to delude myself that suicide will allow me travel back in time so we can finally get to know each other in high school. My life is worthless if I can't be with her, because I love her more than anybody can claim to on this planet. My last wish is that I can say goodbye to her in person and get some pathetically impotent closure that won't make a difference, before I end my life. I hope to see an old friend who knew her and see how I go from there. I failed to confess to her 14 years ago and I'm going to pay with my life for it. It's not her fault, it's mine; and a loser like me gets what he deserves. Nothing.

 

[Insomniac]

She never replied to me on FB or accepted my friend request, which is telling

My life is worthless if I can't be with her,

I failed to confess to her 14 years ago

I have someone who makes me feel this way. It's not a good feeling. I really wish I had never met that person.

I decided to leave my country to study abroad because of this person. to get far away from this person.

 

[chocolatebar]

Dealing with irreparable pasts is extremely painful. I deal with it every day, although for different reasons, but it hurts me to see you suffering like that. You may delude yourself, like you said, but deep down you will know that it's impossible to happen; You're a prisoner from that moment in the past and you don't even know what would be her answer. What if she simply said no? You would not only waste the current life, but that supposed rebirth as well.

I know those words are probably hurtful for you, but they have to be told. It's like removing a thorn from our skin. It's gonna hurt a lot, but if we don't remove it, the condition will get worse and worse until we cant hold anymore.

I would never tell you anything hurtful and I'm only telling you this because I think it will make things much better in the long run. You know how much I like you

With love

 

[Crazy4u]

I hope you find a way to get in touch with her

 

[Round Two]

The person you love can still make your life hell even if you're with them. My ex-wife broke things off with me a week after I was home during a home invasion and got PTSD. She then proceeded to fuck more guys than I can remember literally in the next room over from mine until I was able to move out. I loved her. So incredibly deeply. She'd cheated on me and sexually abused me before this even happened. I still loved her. Even now I still struggle with complicated emotions. I don't say this to discourage you, only to tell you what the other side of the fence could look like. After all, I can't know your pain or what you're feeling as a result. I can't measure your love against my own. That's just not possible. Personally, I recovered and now have a partner of 8 years. Does that magically fix everything? No. I'm still here same as you. We all have our own experiences, our own pain, and our own reasons for being here. Yours are just as valid as mine.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I have someone who makes me feel this way. It's not a good feeling. I really wish I never met that person on one hand.

I decided to leave my country to study abroad because of this person. to get far away from this person.

I'm glad you were able to do something to manage it. Going abroad would make it even worse for me, due to how isolated from her I would be :(

Dealing with irreparable pasts is extremely painful. I deal with it every day, although for different reasons, but it hurts me to see you suffering like that. You may delude yourself, like you said, but deep down you will know that it's impossible to happen; You're a prisoner from that moment in the past and you don't even know what would be her answer. What if she simply said no? You would not only waste the current life, but that supposed rebirth as well.

I know those words are probably hurtful for you, but they have to be told. It's like removing a thorn from our skin. It's gonna hurt a lot, but if we don't remove it, the condition will get worse and worse until we cant hold anymore.

I would never tell you anything hurtful and I'm only telling you this because I think it will make things much better in the long run. You know how much I like you

With love

There really is no other way to go around this. I think those who move on, still retain some ability to control their life and aren't yet damaged to the point of no return. There is a part of me that still holds to the idea that she would say yes, and we would have been really close. If the answer was no, I'm sure I'd most likely kill myself much sooner, probably within a year. I'm desperate to hear her voice and see her again.

I know those words are probably hurtful for you, but they have to be told. It's like removing a thorn from our skin. It's gonna hurt a lot, but if we don't remove it, the condition will get worse and worse until we cant hold anymore.

I would never tell you anything hurtful and I'm only telling you this because I think it will make things much better in the long run. You know how much I like you

With love

It's alright. I've gone through enough trauma from this that anything short of "grow up and move on!" won't hurt me. Sadly, this condition can only be cured by fulfillment, or death. Thank you for your kind words~

 

[Round Two]

There really is no other way to go around this. I think those who move on, still retain some ability to control their life and aren't yet damaged to the point of no return. There is a part of me that still holds to the idea that she would say yes, and we would have been really close. If the answer was no, I'm sure I'd most likely kill myself much sooner, probably within a year. I'm desperate to hear her voice and see her again.

Actually, shit, one more thing to say(memory issues are a bitch). Have you considered her own agency? Would her happiness in this world be enough for you, even if it wasn't with you?

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I hope you find a way to get in touch with her

I really do hope I can.

The person you love can still make your life hell even if you're with them. My ex-wife broke things off with me a week after I was home during a home invasion and got PTSD. She then proceeded to fuck more guys than I can remember literally in the next room over from mine until I was able to move out. I loved her. So incredibly deeply. She'd cheated on me and sexually abused me before this even happened. I still loved her. Even now I still struggle with complicated emotions. I don't say this to discourage you, only to tell you what the other side of the fence could look like. After all, I can't know your pain or what you're feeling as a result. I can't measure your love against my own. That's just not possible. Personally, I recovered and now have a partner of 8 years. Does that magically fix everything? No. I'm still here same as you. We all have our own experiences, our own pain, and our own reasons for being here. Yours are just as valid as mine.

Oh my god, I'm sorry that this happened to you :( It seems that relationships always carry a high-risk of emotional pain and people are unpredictable in their behavior. Being in this state for so long, I just need to know, even if the result isn't what I expected. Then again, I'll probably tell myself that the real her doesn't exist anymore and I need to die to go back and rewrite history. It's a crazy obsession.

Personally, I recovered and now have a partner of 8 years. Does that magically fix everything? No. I'm still here same as you. We all have our own experiences, our own pain, and our own reasons for being here. Yours are just as valid as mine.

It's good that you were able to pick yourself up (I can't imagine doing that myself!), but of course, scars tend to linger long after the initial experience is over. I hope in time, you too find your rest somehow, whatever that may be. Depression has wrecked my life in more than one way.

Actually, shit, one more thing to say(memory issues are a bitch). Have you considered her own agency? Would her happiness in this world be enough for you, even if it wasn't with you?

I have, and if she is happy, I understand that I should do the noble thing and back off. I certainly don't want to intrude on her life. The only problem is that this happiness wouldn't involve me, so I will still end up dead. Not out of vengeance, but because there would be no hope left.

 

[chocolatebar]

Do you think you would really feel better and fulfilled if you contacted her?
and would really respect her decision?

 

[Round Two]

Depression has wrecked my life in more than one way.

Same. 100% same. Chronic depression that will never get better is straight-up hell. You have no energy. You can't even get out of bed sometimes....or often. Sleep schedules are nigh impossible to maintain. Maybe that's just me, though. I have a really hard time distinguishing which symptoms come from what. Point is, I feel for you. That shit sucks incredibly bad.

I have, and if she is happy, I understand that I should do the noble thing and back off. I certainly don't want to intrude on her life. The only problem is that this happiness wouldn't involve me, so I will still end up dead. Not out of vengeance, but because there would be no hope left.

Really glad to hear you'll accept her agency. It sucks that it's gotten to this point. I wish you luck in being able to be a part of her life, even if it's not in the way you'd want or expect.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Do you think you would really feel better and fulfilled if you contacted her?
and would really respect her decision?

I have been thinking about this. On the one hand, I will finally know what she thinks of me and how things may have turned out back then, and I would accept her decision, as I don't like creating conflict for others. I'm not the type who needs to have the last word/ be seen as right. Knowing she's happy wouldn't alleviate my suicidality though. If the story doesn't end with us being together, then I see no future. I may as well be a vegetable or space dust. I do want her to find out about my passing and the hows and whys of the matter. Again, not a vengeance thing, I just find it to be romantic, in a dark way. See what I did there? I won't let go, even in death.

Same. 100% same. Chronic depression that will never get better is straight-up hell. You have no energy. You can't even get out of bed sometimes....or often. Sleep schedules are nigh impossible to maintain. Maybe that's just me, though. I have a really hard time distinguishing which symptoms come from what. Point is, I feel for you. That shit sucks incredibly bad.

Days go by and I can't for the life of me tell you what happens to the time. One things for sure, nothing gets done. My sleep is okay, but the waking hours are spent in pointless lethargy. If you need to work, I assume sleep is that much worse.

Really glad to hear you'll accept her agency. It sucks that it's gotten to this point. I wish you luck in being able to be a part of her life, even if it's not in the way you'd want or expect.

Whatever she chooses is fine with me.. I'm not sold on a nice ending to this story, but maybe just this once, something will go right for me; if I even get a chance that is.

 

[chocolatebar]

I do want her to find out about my passing and the hows and whys of the matter.

Do you think it would be good for her? It doesn't look like a good move to me.

I was thinking about offering help in looking for her, but those things make me uneasy...

I think you need to come to terms with yourself first

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

Did you had a loot of sex with other girls in the meantime? It sure does sounds like no. You can't really love a person that you don't even had the guts to approach. Just move on with your life, could you? There is plenty of girls out there.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Do you think it would be good for her? It doesn't look like a good move to me.

I was thinking about offering help in looking for her, but those things make me uneasy...

I think you need to come to terms with yourself first

Probably not. It's really a double-edged sword, isn't it? I would hate for my death to be totally unknown to her. Come to think of it, I'll ask my friend to tell her, in my suicide note. That will make it easier. I have her facebook, but that's it, and I'm not a stalker. The only way I'll come to terms with myself is by dying.

Did you had a loot of sex with other girls in the meantime? It sure does sounds like no. You can't really love a person that you don't even had the guts to approach.

Not really, just prostitutes a couple of times. Sex is worthless anyway. In this case, I know that I love her and I know that we were meant for each other. This is secret metaphysical knowledge that does not originate in experience, or lack thereof.

Just move on with your life, could you? There is plenty of girls out there.

I will never move on, please do not suggest this. I'd rather die than be with anyone else, and I don't care if they're rich, pretty, similar, whatever - What I know innately cannot be superceded by external reasoning.

 

[chocolatebar]

Probably not. It's really a double-edged sword, isn't it? I would hate for my death to be totally unknown to her. Come to think of it, I'll ask my friend to tell her, in my suicide note. That will make it easier. I have her facebook, but that's it, and I'm not a stalker. The only way I'll come to terms with myself is by dying.


Not really, just prostitutes a couple of times. Sex is worthless anyway. In this case, I know that I love her and I know that we were meant for each other. This is secret metaphysical knowledge that does not originate in experience, or lack thereof.


I will never move on, please do not suggest this. I'd rather die than be with anyone else, and I don't care if they're rich, pretty, similar, whatever - What I know innately cannot be superceded by external reasoning.

Wait, you have contact with her? Have you never asked if she remembers you?

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Wait, you have contact with her? Have you never asked if she remembers you?

I sent her a message and friend request on Facebook, and noted that I'm that awkward guy who had a crush on her. No reply since a week :(
She was one year younger than me, so we didn't share any classes, but at least two people I knew, were acquainted with her.

 

[ikadasui]

I sent her a message and friend request on Facebook, and noted that I'm that awkward guy who had a crush on her. No reply since a week :(
She was one year younger than me, so we didn't share any classes, but at least two people I knew, were acquainted with her.

I'm gonna be honest here and I'm sure you already know, but you're probably scaring her by doing this. You said it had been 14 years if I'm correct, and as women in generally get a lot of undesired attention this probably screams red flag to her. You clearly don't mean any harm, but if you 2 weren't already associated in some way she isn't going to want to speak with you I'm sorry to say. Again, I don't mean to make you feel any worse, but I just want you to see things from her pov or try to look at them that way at any rate

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I'm gonna be honest here and I'm sure you already know, but you're probably scaring her by doing this. You said it had been 14 years if I'm correct, and as women in generally get a lot of undesired attention this probably screams red flag to her. You clearly don't mean any harm, but if you 2 weren't already associated in some way she isn't going to want to speak with you I'm sorry to say. Again, I don't mean to make you feel any worse, but I just want you to see things from her pov or try to look at them that way at any rate

No problem, it has crossed my mind and makes plenty of sense. Whatever the outcome, I'll just have to accept it.

 

[vinie]

Out of curiosity, may I ask what had made her so idiomatic and irreplaceable? Was she a source of comfort or just physically attractive? Did you talk to each other a lot?

 

[GentleJerk]

I've cried myself to sleep for the last two nights, because I can't stop thinking about her. She never replied to me on FB or accepted my friend request, which is telling. At this point, I am happy to delude myself that suicide will allow me travel back in time so we can finally get to know each other in high school. My life is worthless if I can't be with her, because I love her more than anybody can claim to on this planet. My last wish is that I can say goodbye to her in person and get some pathetically impotent closure that won't make a difference, before I end my life. I hope to see an old friend who knew her and see how I go from there. I failed to confess to her 14 years ago and I'm going to pay with my life for it. It's not her fault, it's mine; and a loser like me gets what he deserves. Nothing.

It sounds like this is really rough for you... Love and heartbreak can cut so damn deep. I'm sorry dude, you deserve to be happy.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Don't beat yourself up. You need to try to move on.
It will be hard to not feel your love being reciprocated, but If you come in terms with it you won't loose anything. You cannot loose something which you do not have, sorry. You will have your heart broken, but everybody had It broken at some point. Me and everybody. So it is something you can get over with.

I know having crush on somebody is very addictive, but you need to take care of yourself and drop your habit of thinking about her. It is no easy thing but It can be done. You cannot change the past. Nothing could be done.

You might still hold onto old ways of thinking about love, lies told to you by romances or society or parents. You need to slowly try to understand how attraction work and what it is. It will be really hard, but you deserve to know the truth and to stop living in the past.

 

[ikadasui]

No problem, it has crossed my mind and makes plenty of sense. Whatever the outcome, I'll just have to accept it.

Wish you the best

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Out of curiosity, may I ask what had made her so idiomatic and irreplaceable? Was she a source of comfort or just physically attractive? Did you talk to each other a lot?

I'm sorry that I cannot provide an answer of substance, but from the moment I saw her I knew we were meant for each other. I've never felt this way about anyone else, despite feeling attracted to others superficially. And no-one has stuck like her. I've never spoken a word to her, because I was too shy.

It sounds like this is really rough for you... Love and heartbreak can cut so damn deep. I'm sorry dude, you deserve to be happy.

Thank you. I don't think I'll ever believe that time heals all wounds. These days I just feel guilty and degenerate and although I want to say that I do deserve happiness, it feels like I'm lying to myself.

Don't beat yourself up. You need to try to move on.
It will be hard to not feel your love being reciprocated, but If you come in terms with it you won't loose anything. You cannot loose something which you do not have, sorry. You will have your heart broken, but everybody had It broken at some point. Me and everybody. So it is something you can get over with.

I know having crush on somebody is very addictive, but you need to take care of yourself and drop your habit of thinking about her. It is no easy thing but It can be done. You cannot change the past. Nothing could be done.

You might still hold onto old ways of thinking about love, lies told to you by romances or society or parents. You need to slowly try to understand how attraction work and what it is. It will be really hard, but you deserve to know the truth and to stop living in the past.

Logically, I understand where you are coming from. Emotionally, I may as well cease to exist. The desire to move on has never been in me. To be honest, I'm being stubborn, and the pain is largely of my own making but devotion in death means worlds more to me than any other alternative.

The fact that I can't change the past makes me feel sad enough to hold onto what remains of it. I could try to stop, but I just don't want to. One reason I can identify for this attachement is that I've convinced myself that it's not a problem, but actually my long-suffering devotion which will be rewarded, possibly after death.

I am very aware of the reality of attraction/ how relationships form, and can see past the rose-tinted concept of love that is being sold. I only really wanted to get to know her in the first place, and I'm a sucker for nostalgia. I hate to be stubborn in the face of advice, but appreciate your opinion regardless.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I am very aware of the reality of attraction/ how relationships form, and can see past the rose-tinted concept of love that is being sold. I only really wanted to get to know her in the first place, and I'm a sucker for nostalgia. I hate to be stubborn in the face of advice, but appreciate your opinion regardless.

I was gonna be all preachy, but I need to respect your choice.

If you want to die romantic way It is up to you. I am not judging, I mean whatever life or death you want to have. I almost died listening to that one song from rick and morty (Antichrist by kishis bashi, tho I didn't know it was from rick and morty so I could be forgiven for this one, yet It was close call). I mean your love and devotion feels beautiful, but so does crack cocaine.

I am also sorry to say, but there is no reason why would anyone reward you for your devotion or suffering. You could try to give yourself a good time now as much as you can. But there is no good reason why would anybody repay you for your suffering. It is not largely your fault that you suffer this way, I mean you did not choose to experience attraction in that tragic way. If there is any justice in this world, it would make sure you do not suffer in the first place. There is no higher power in the sky that would repay you for all your suffering. It can't undo your suffering.

So don't take all of this blame on yourself but don't treat this as something good that you suffer, or noble. You just are love sick. We are all sick here for one reason or other.

 

[watsonsmith]

I understand your pain. In my case it is different since I am planning suicide as the result of a loss of the love of my life that I have been together with on and off for the last 10 years (well, the last 2 mostly in my delusions).

You see, the only way for you to get her attention and consider you as someone who could be a part of her life (at least in the way I imagine you'd wish for that to happen), would be for you to start living your own life. Build it up, become stable yourself and have something to offer from that position – I am sure other options than just sending her a message on Facebook would appear in your mind.

At the same time I imagine there must be a factor preventing you from pursuing this since it has been 14 years.

All I can say is that I feel your pain, I understand how it feels when someone says "there are plenty fish in the sea, etc.".

If you are ready for a goodbye and closure... perhaps there is hope for you? It is possible to let go of someone without them acknowledging it.

I know that I can only find closure over my relationship in death.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I was gonna be all preachy, but I need to respect your choice.

If you want to die romantic way It is up to you. I am not judging, I mean whatever life or death you want to have. I almost died listening to that one song from rick and morty (Antichrist by kishis bashi, tho I didn't know it was from rick and morty so I could be forgiven for this one, yet It was close call). I mean your love and devotion feels beautiful, but so does crack cocaine.

I am also sorry to say, but there is no reason why would anyone reward you for your devotion or suffering. You could try to give yourself a good time now as much as you can. But there is no good reason why would anybody repay you for your suffering. It is not largely your fault that you suffer this way, I mean you did not choose to experience attraction in that tragic way. If there is any justice in this world, it would make sure you do not suffer in the first place. There is no higher power in the sky that would repay you for all your suffering. It can't undo your suffering.

So don't take all of this blame on yourself but don't treat this as something good that you suffer, or noble. You just are love sick. We are all sick here for one reason or other.

Thank you for understanding. Sadly, the conlusion to this story is becoming clearer to me all the time.

I am not overly concerned with whatever lies beyond. It's quite natural for me to accept that there is a fully-conscious continuation of some sort. I don't have much of a drive to do things I'd enjoy anymore. It all feels so tiring. My expectations are little more than stories I tell myself to explain away the disappointment.

As you can imagine, it is very difficult to avoid self-blame for something so personal and enduring. I don't consider it a good thing that I'm experiencing this, but it's safer for me to make up silly reasons why, than to accept love-sickness as the answer. You are absolutely right, though.

I understand your pain. In my case it is different since I am planning suicide as the result of a loss of the love of my life that I have been together with on and off for the last 10 years (well, the last 2 mostly in my delusions).

You see, the only way for you to get her attention and consider you as someone who could be a part of her life (at least in the way I imagine you'd wish for that to happen), would be for you to start living your own life. Build it up, become stable yourself and have something to offer from that position – I am sure other options than just sending her a message on Facebook would appear in your mind.

At the same time I imagine there must be a factor preventing you from pursuing this since it has been 14 years.

All I can say is that I feel your pain, I understand how it feels when someone says "there are plenty fish in the sea, etc.".

If you are ready for a goodbye and closure... perhaps there is hope for you? It is possible to let go of someone without them acknowledging it.

I know that I can only find closure over my relationship in death.

I'm sorry that your own journey has led you to this point. The passage of time often serves to make everything worse.
I simply don't have the strength or drive to make all the necessary changes to my life. Maybe there was a time when I did, but it's long-gone now. I suppose cowardice and the expectations of others have prevented me. Naturally, when we were still in high school, life was a lot simpler, but in the real world it's all about what you've got and what you can do, and if you are a mature, responsible person with goals. At least that's the way it's been presented to me.

An ocean of fish couldn't fill the void left by that person. The goodbye would almost certainly be followed by my death, which will be all the closure I will get. If I don't have the chance to speak with her, she will at least know the whole story through someone else after I'm gone. I would never so much as hint to her about CTB, though. For now I'm waiting.

I won't bother with giving out advice, because it would be hypocritical coming from me. Instead, I hope that you too will find peace in your decision.