nozomu
Global Mod // will i wiN my recovery arc
- Nov 28, 2022
- 1,082
I've finally decided to make a proactive, responsible effort towards leaving this hellscape we live in. I hope to find community and support in navigating this process. I want to go easily, I want to be prepared, and I do not wish to burden those I've left behind.
I'm 28, and I've had an awfully difficult life the entire time. I was born to parents who view me as their biggest regret, because I was born they were forced to get together. What ensued was an entire childhood where I was treated like dirt. I never have felt human, I have never felt loved, I have felt welcome. Anywhere, since birth. Despite this, I've tried to have a fighting spirit in hopes I would be able to live a better life. Things have materially improved, but not mentally or socially. I have an adult job with adult money now, and I'm no longer in poverty. But that's really all that's improved. I've also been in treatment my entire 20s and there's been only marginal improvements.
I still feel like the young child that I was, sitting in the closet, weeping endlessly in the dark because no one loves me. Hiding from the people that abuse me. It doesn't help that I'm prone to being treated poorly. My response to abuse was to do my best to be kind and put good energy into the world. I never receive this in return. Everyone I try to love takes advantage of me. My first partner abused me in every sense of the word. I've been assaulted multiple times. One partner used me for rent money for 3 years. My current partner just has me as a side piece and they don't know that I know, and they keep going hot and cold on me and it's triggering my RSD so damn bad that this alone is enough to be my final straw. I want to love someone so badly. I want to give my all to someone and receive it in return. I have so much love and light to give the world but the world doesn't care. I can't live with this pain any longer, and I'm deeply sorry to anyone who expects me to continue on. I just can't.
I also really struggle to connect and relate to others. I'm devestated whenever I get ghosted by a friend because it is so hard to make them and I've lost so many friends during COVID, by their own choices. This recent partnership I've went for, it was my last ditch effort to be happy. Everything in my life is failing and this person who I love with my entire heart and soul keeps pushing me away then pulling me back and it's killing me slowly. I love them so much but it really hurts. Today they avoided me all day purposefully, and it helped to reaffirm my decision to go. I decided a few weeks ago it is time and I've been looking for resources.
I'm also terrible at my job and I get abused by my work supervisors. Everyone who doesn't work with me always compliments me about me being smart, good at problem solving etc (I'm a research scientist albeit not a super well paid one) but they don't know how much I have to go through to be at this job and how terrible it is for my mental health. I used to excel then I gave up. Much like everything else.
I have some creative outlets I do and hobbies but they've exhausted their ability to keep me going. I feel like I have everything to people looking in at me (a stable job, friends, hobbies, a "partner", a substantial higher education) but I have nothing on the inside , nothing that matters. I'm empty as fuck.
Why can't I find someone who accepts my whole self, why can't I find someone to share joy in my life with? Why can't this pain go away for a while? I can't keep living with this in perpetuity.
Given all of this pain and weight I carry, I need to CTB. I just can't go on like this. I really really would love to get my hands on some N so I can just drift off to sleep (funny, how sleeping is how we can wake up from this nightmare). If I can't, I will explore alternative means but I think I will try to CTB in the next few months in early 2023, since I want to go responsibly. I want to get a will in place for my younger sibling to get my useful belongings + money (if anyone has some recs of how to go about this, would love to hear it). I want to write letters to people that I loved so they know it wasn't their fault. I want my passing to not burden anyone so I need to plan.
On a bittersweet note, I find it nice that at least despite my pain, I have not lost my kindness and consideration of others, even in front of a harsh world. If only I could have myself as a partner and close friend. I'm really proud of who I am and I'm sad this world is not for me. I don't want to go, but I have to be free.
Thank you for reading my story and nice to meet you all.
I'm 28, and I've had an awfully difficult life the entire time. I was born to parents who view me as their biggest regret, because I was born they were forced to get together. What ensued was an entire childhood where I was treated like dirt. I never have felt human, I have never felt loved, I have felt welcome. Anywhere, since birth. Despite this, I've tried to have a fighting spirit in hopes I would be able to live a better life. Things have materially improved, but not mentally or socially. I have an adult job with adult money now, and I'm no longer in poverty. But that's really all that's improved. I've also been in treatment my entire 20s and there's been only marginal improvements.
I still feel like the young child that I was, sitting in the closet, weeping endlessly in the dark because no one loves me. Hiding from the people that abuse me. It doesn't help that I'm prone to being treated poorly. My response to abuse was to do my best to be kind and put good energy into the world. I never receive this in return. Everyone I try to love takes advantage of me. My first partner abused me in every sense of the word. I've been assaulted multiple times. One partner used me for rent money for 3 years. My current partner just has me as a side piece and they don't know that I know, and they keep going hot and cold on me and it's triggering my RSD so damn bad that this alone is enough to be my final straw. I want to love someone so badly. I want to give my all to someone and receive it in return. I have so much love and light to give the world but the world doesn't care. I can't live with this pain any longer, and I'm deeply sorry to anyone who expects me to continue on. I just can't.
I also really struggle to connect and relate to others. I'm devestated whenever I get ghosted by a friend because it is so hard to make them and I've lost so many friends during COVID, by their own choices. This recent partnership I've went for, it was my last ditch effort to be happy. Everything in my life is failing and this person who I love with my entire heart and soul keeps pushing me away then pulling me back and it's killing me slowly. I love them so much but it really hurts. Today they avoided me all day purposefully, and it helped to reaffirm my decision to go. I decided a few weeks ago it is time and I've been looking for resources.
I'm also terrible at my job and I get abused by my work supervisors. Everyone who doesn't work with me always compliments me about me being smart, good at problem solving etc (I'm a research scientist albeit not a super well paid one) but they don't know how much I have to go through to be at this job and how terrible it is for my mental health. I used to excel then I gave up. Much like everything else.
I have some creative outlets I do and hobbies but they've exhausted their ability to keep me going. I feel like I have everything to people looking in at me (a stable job, friends, hobbies, a "partner", a substantial higher education) but I have nothing on the inside , nothing that matters. I'm empty as fuck.
Why can't I find someone who accepts my whole self, why can't I find someone to share joy in my life with? Why can't this pain go away for a while? I can't keep living with this in perpetuity.
Given all of this pain and weight I carry, I need to CTB. I just can't go on like this. I really really would love to get my hands on some N so I can just drift off to sleep (funny, how sleeping is how we can wake up from this nightmare). If I can't, I will explore alternative means but I think I will try to CTB in the next few months in early 2023, since I want to go responsibly. I want to get a will in place for my younger sibling to get my useful belongings + money (if anyone has some recs of how to go about this, would love to hear it). I want to write letters to people that I loved so they know it wasn't their fault. I want my passing to not burden anyone so I need to plan.
On a bittersweet note, I find it nice that at least despite my pain, I have not lost my kindness and consideration of others, even in front of a harsh world. If only I could have myself as a partner and close friend. I'm really proud of who I am and I'm sad this world is not for me. I don't want to go, but I have to be free.
Thank you for reading my story and nice to meet you all.