Hi
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place or against forum etiquette but I figured I might make an intro post to get started.
I have been suicidal to a greater or lesser degree for at least 10 years. Maybe more. Definitely more if we count just passive suicidality when I was younger. I have ups and downs but the downs are more frequent and lengthy. I've have mental health involvement. I have mental health involvement. Today in fact. I am starting to suspect they are making me worse. I had an overdose this year and I regret I didn't push harder with it.
I am autistic. I have a diagnosis of recurrent depression. I am female. I am a professional. Work full time. Don't know how I manage it but I do - barely. I am asexual. Aromantic. Lonely. Defective. Hopeless. I have one family member, who knows little about this, doesn't understand or possibly chooses not to. I recently lost a long time best friend who was a huge support, until they weren't. I am enormously fortunate to have another and their partner but they obviously have lives of their own and I can not interfere or burden more than I already have.
I do not feel that I belong in society. I mask all day every day. Nobody would suspect the depths of what goes on in my head and I am utterly ashamed and terrified to be found out. I get so fed up hearing that 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'. It's not in my case. My world is getting progressively smaller and there are practicalities. Aside from not wanting to feel utter despair at how my own head seems to scheme against me, who do I have to put as a next of kin? Who do I have to call if I break my leg when out and can't drive? Nobody visited in the hospital this year - what would it be like when I'm old and can't get out? I will go months without seeing a soul. That is unbearable for me. I need to remove myself before it can happen. An MH worker said to me 'but you might meet someone, a partner, and everything could change'. But this won't happen for me - I'm not bitter, I don't feel this type of attraction. But the world is centred around it.
I do struggle with myself when I have more positive periods. Am I faking? Am I wanting to stay ill? Am I actually ill at all? Am I malingering? But inevitably I do drop. And that makes it so much harder because I sometimes get my hopes up that this time things will be different and I will get a little better for good.
My plan has always been that I will do it when Dad dies. He hasn't and that is what kicked me into getting help when I overdosed. But I do feel angry at myself for the wasted chance, selfish as it is.
I took diazepam, zopiclone and paramol but I know I vomited badly when I was in resus. I need to find a different method. Possibly more than one so I have options. But trying to get information on this is not easy.
I don't know if anyone can relate to what I am saying. I feel immensely alone and incredibly guilty because people have tried and are trying to help. I just have reached the conclusion that it's me. I am defective. And you can't medicate or give therapy to a defect. But the alternative seems unmentionable for so many and all I want to do sometimes is talk...
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place or against forum etiquette but I figured I might make an intro post to get started.
I have been suicidal to a greater or lesser degree for at least 10 years. Maybe more. Definitely more if we count just passive suicidality when I was younger. I have ups and downs but the downs are more frequent and lengthy. I've have mental health involvement. I have mental health involvement. Today in fact. I am starting to suspect they are making me worse. I had an overdose this year and I regret I didn't push harder with it.
I am autistic. I have a diagnosis of recurrent depression. I am female. I am a professional. Work full time. Don't know how I manage it but I do - barely. I am asexual. Aromantic. Lonely. Defective. Hopeless. I have one family member, who knows little about this, doesn't understand or possibly chooses not to. I recently lost a long time best friend who was a huge support, until they weren't. I am enormously fortunate to have another and their partner but they obviously have lives of their own and I can not interfere or burden more than I already have.
I do not feel that I belong in society. I mask all day every day. Nobody would suspect the depths of what goes on in my head and I am utterly ashamed and terrified to be found out. I get so fed up hearing that 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'. It's not in my case. My world is getting progressively smaller and there are practicalities. Aside from not wanting to feel utter despair at how my own head seems to scheme against me, who do I have to put as a next of kin? Who do I have to call if I break my leg when out and can't drive? Nobody visited in the hospital this year - what would it be like when I'm old and can't get out? I will go months without seeing a soul. That is unbearable for me. I need to remove myself before it can happen. An MH worker said to me 'but you might meet someone, a partner, and everything could change'. But this won't happen for me - I'm not bitter, I don't feel this type of attraction. But the world is centred around it.
I do struggle with myself when I have more positive periods. Am I faking? Am I wanting to stay ill? Am I actually ill at all? Am I malingering? But inevitably I do drop. And that makes it so much harder because I sometimes get my hopes up that this time things will be different and I will get a little better for good.
My plan has always been that I will do it when Dad dies. He hasn't and that is what kicked me into getting help when I overdosed. But I do feel angry at myself for the wasted chance, selfish as it is.
I took diazepam, zopiclone and paramol but I know I vomited badly when I was in resus. I need to find a different method. Possibly more than one so I have options. But trying to get information on this is not easy.
I don't know if anyone can relate to what I am saying. I feel immensely alone and incredibly guilty because people have tried and are trying to help. I just have reached the conclusion that it's me. I am defective. And you can't medicate or give therapy to a defect. But the alternative seems unmentionable for so many and all I want to do sometimes is talk...
it's so horrible feeling that way because you feel like you should change but change just seems so hard or impossible 
