Story My introduction, venting a little

[ThinkTechnical]

Hello everyone. I just joined, and while usually I would never make a post like this, I know inside that a large part of the reason I joined at all is because I felt the need to say all of this.
I'm not looking for help, necessarily. I feel like nothing can really help me other than simply having somewhere to speak without fear. I've said a lot of this in my bio already, but I think I should probably explain more in a post.

I don't trust that I can talk to my friends. They like to say I'm cute and adorable and that I'm one of them, but they seem too willing to say stuff like that... if they're lying, telling them anything could just end up making my life far worse. And if I talk to my family I know that I'll get hurt...

My step-brother is who I fear the most. He's large and intimidating, and he's raped me more times than I can count. Anytime I tried to resist before, he'd slap me repeatedly until he left marks all over my face, threaten my life, and physically hold me down anyway. The next part I'm going to spoiler tag because I'm not sure if it's verging on NSFW, but it's the part I hate the most. I can't bear not talking about it in some way.

Spoiler

The part that I hate the most is that he doesn't just use me for his own pleasure, he also goes out of his way to make sure that I feel pleasure in some way too... he'll... make sure that I finish before he does. He didn't always do this, but when he started doing this, he said he did this because if it felt nice for me I'd start to enjoy it, and stop trying to resist him. It just makes me feel that much worse, like he's crossed the line from just using me, to making me feel like he's violated my mind just as much as my body.

He'd then make my wear one of my hoodies with the hood up to cover my face so that my parents wouldn't see any marks on my face, and speaking of my parents... they're not always terrible, but they fight all the time... as in literally, every single night. They're also very controlling. They keep saying that I'm allowed to go out whenever I want, but as soon as I ask to, they invent some kind of job or work I need to do for them so that I can't. Aside from going with them to the shops once every few months, I've been only at home for 3 years. I could run away for a day... but I know for a fact there will be terrible consequences when I get back.

If I tell my parents about what my step-brother does, my step-brother will know, and I really don't want to imagine the rest. I don't want to CTB at someone else's hands as they abuse me beforehand and put me in as much pain as they can. I hate to think of that being the last thing I feel.

When I cry, I wish I could scream, but I can't because I'm mute. Communicating with anyone is difficult, and learning sign language here has gone badly for me. Finding a job with no voice is very challenging, too.


I know there are a significant number of people here who don't value life and really do believe that not living at all is what's right, or what makes the most sense, but I don't really see things that way. There are things I love in my life, there are hobbies that I have that make me happy. Every waking moment that I can spend on these, I do. I really love old computers. I've been attached to computers for years as they've helped me communicate with everyone around me, sometimes being the literal voice for me with TTS, sometimes simply displaying to people around me what I type. But for old computers in particular...They make me feel comfortable and warm like when I was young, staying inside and away from anything I disliked or feared, enjoying my time alone. When it expands to more things than just computers, it's like I'm setting a scene. Making sure everything everything visible seems to be period-accurate, making sure that I'm experiencing things as closely as I can to how things would have been in this past. A past that I kind of really do wish I could have been a part of.

There are more things that I like but this is just an example. It's less of a purpose in life, and more of a distraction perhaps... yet they make me feel like I have some reason to live. Just to enjoy myself, and feel like I'm living 20 or more years back in time, before I was even born. All I've ever really wanted was to have as much free time to myself as possible to enjoy these things, and therefore have a simple, quiet, easy life.
All I want is to live, to live with a few small comforts, most of which are considered trash by others and thrown away anyway. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask, yet it feels as though fate throws me down a flight of stairs anytime I dare to ask anything of it. It feels as though my own family does their best to make even just those wishes as hard as possible.

I've been considering whether I should CTB for years, and it used to be my long-term plan when I reached my current age. I don't feel quite as afraid for my future as I used to... but... I feel like my family is pushing me closer to the edge than I've ever been before.
I know I'm not the most pained person here, and I don't have the most dark outlook on life. My friends keep telling me that I shouldn't feel afraid to ask for help just because there are people more hurt than me, but even though I'm not really asking for help here... I'm not sure if anyone else really believes that. If anyone wants to post an opinion or comment I don't mind, but all I was really looking to do was say all of this. Venting to make up for that I can't say anything at all.

 

[jodes2]

It seems like you've been holding an awful lot in. I hope you post more often and let it out

 

[SexyIncél]

Damn. Hope it helped to get that off your chest. And I deeply hope you can escape that horrible environment! There needs to be a fund for people to get away, with whatever support's needed! (It maddens me that what I work on is far less important than that)

 

[Laivirt]

Jesus christ. I'm so, so sorry you're going through all this friend.

For the record: while I don't have any data on this and I don't want to make people will lesser problems feel delegitimized, I get the feeling that most people on here are struggling with depression or anxiety, and that's why they struggle with suicidal thoughts. I seriously doubt the average user is going through the same repeated, horrific trauma and abuse you are going through. Please don't invalidate yourself.

I don't want to give any advice as I assume if you've found this place and want to stay here, you've likely exhausted all options available to you. Nonetheless, there are people out there who want to help you - people who work for crisis hotlines, homeless shelters, disability advocacy orgs and such. You just have to find them.

I'm not sure how old you are but you do sound young. I hope someday you get to live in your own apartment. I hope you find a cushy job that allows you the free time to tinker with old computers.

I want to believe you'll survive this somehow.

 

[Lynx.]

Nobody should ever go through these horrible experiences. I'm sorry that you have to suffer that.

As some other user said, I hope that venting on this forum has helped you, even if it's just a little, and just for a moment. And as some pointed out already, there are many resources available for those in situation of sexual abuse; if you can, seek them and get out of this horrible situation.
Many hugs to you.

There are more things that I like but this is just an example. It's less of a purpose in life, and more of a distraction perhaps... yet they make me feel like I have some reason to live. Just to enjoy myself, and feel like I'm living 20 or more years back in time, before I was even born. All I've ever really wanted was to have as much free time to myself as possible to enjoy these things, and therefore have a simple, quiet, easy life.

I totally get that feeling. I'm a nostalgic at heart, even if I'm longing for a time I didn't even get to live in; a few weeks ago I discovered the wonders of the indie web; which is just really old websites from the 90s to early 2000s linked together, or newer webs created by users who want to revive those older times when the web was way more simple and personal. I spent a whole week navigating through links, exploring personal blogs and feeling warm inside whenever I stumbled upon really old websites with retro designs, even if the website didn't have any functionality at all. As a programmer (a failed one, tho), it warms my heart.

Then several days later I found a YouTube channel called CR's Video Vaults, which posts really old videos ranging from short clips to movies and documentaries from the 60s to 2000s, mostly about Ireland and how they lived their life; seeing that period of time and hearing people that I never seen, in a place I never been, all recorded through a camera older than myself, really makes me feel warm inside.

I still feel like a walking corpse most of the days; yet whenever I get into this state of mind, it makes me... Not necessarily happy, but willing to be alive. Even if it's for a while.

Here are some links of the older web, if you want to check it out:

Neocities - a portal of weblinks
Sadgrl - a personal website along with a collection of links to explore (I linked the collection by default, to go to the personal web, just click on the menu)

With these two you can access most of the web rings that I found. I hope they bring the same feeling to you that they do to me.

Many hugs.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

I'm... I'm so sorry to hear that, all of that is so horrible... Nobody deserves that... I hope you're able to find happiness with your hobbies and get away from them, far far away from them. I wish I could give you a hug (if you want it, of course)... If you ever want to talk to someone in a more private setting or anything, I'd love to lend you an ear, ehehe.

 

[CTB Dream]

Wlcm formu any want talk ok. This v sorry happnn this awful. Understand this all abuse awful push ctb understand want simple thing life still life no give vry sorry this. Hope peace

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, it's just so cruel and disgusting how humans create so much suffering. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[stupidugly]

Welcome, and yea if it helps then absolutely speak your mind here.

 

[ilovecats]

That sounds horrible. I hope you'll find a better place, far from that toxic environment, and get to enjoy life your own way.

 

[nembutal]

you shouldnt turn to ctb unless youve exhausted all of your options. you havent even told anyone about your abuse yet. dont give up so easily. talk to someone, whoever your birth parent is. this world isnt as harmful to victims as people make it out to be, you have a chance to get out and live to tell your story and help others.

 

[ThinkTechnical]

Thank you... thank you all so much. I never expected this to be such a supportive place... I guess I really didn't know what to expect, but I can barely describe just how nice it feels.
It feels a little foolish to try to make friends on here, a place where I may just end up losing them to their own wishes for their lives... but I really do appreciate many of you already after the past few days thinking on this.

I'm not so sure what I really can do. A homeless shelter or equivalent would be too horrible for me. It seems strange to say that I'd rather stay here and be abused than leave, but... my possessions are everything. They're my whole life, my entire reason for living and being happy. I obviously couldn't take them with me to a place like that. That said... it might be my best option if I could bear it...

It's possible I could have my brother dealt with in some way while still staying at home with my parents, maybe. But... I can't imagine what my parents would think. I can't imagine they'd actually even believe me since I've never told them... and if they don't believe me, who knows what they'd do to me, getting my own step-brother removed from home, potentially put in jail... and that's if it even gets that far. If it doesn't, and he comes back... I may as well run away or else he'll make me wish I just tried to CTB before all of this.

I have options, not everyone is lucky enough to say that much... but I'm not sure I want to take them. It'll just be more days spent nervously listening for his footsteps, hoping he doesn't pick me up out of my chair without warning today... ah...
He always picks me up by my waist without saying a word and turns me to face him, I wrap my legs around his waist and squeeze him tight around his chest with my arms so I don't fall, my face hides against his shirt... it would be an adorable scene if he were my partner, instead of my abuser about to take me into my own bedroom to hurt me...

I have many places to search before I really decide about all of this. A lot of research to do... but... I really appreciate the thoughts and suggestions from all of you. I really appreciate the kind wishes and sentiments. I promise I'll be here with you all for a while yet.

 

[ThinkTechnical]

Oh, ah, I almost forgot--

Nobody should ever go through these horrible experiences. I'm sorry that you have to suffer that.

As some other user said, I hope that venting on this forum has helped you, even if it's just a little, and just for a moment. And as some pointed out already, there are many resources available for those in situation of sexual abuse; if you can, seek them and get out of this horrible situation.
Many hugs to you.




I totally get that feeling. I'm a nostalgic at heart, even if I'm longing for a time I didn't even get to live in; a few weeks ago I discovered the wonders of the indie web; which is just really old websites from the 90s to early 2000s linked together, or newer webs created by users who want to revive those older times when the web was way more simple and personal. I spent a whole week navigating through links, exploring personal blogs and feeling warm inside whenever I stumbled upon really old websites with retro designs, even if the website didn't have any functionality at all. As a programmer (a failed one, tho), it warms my heart.

Then several days later I found a YouTube channel called CR's Video Vaults, which posts really old videos ranging from short clips to movies and documentaries from the 60s to 2000s, mostly about Ireland and how they lived their life; seeing that period of time and hearing people that I never seen, in a place I never been, all recorded through a camera older than myself, really makes me feel warm inside.

I still feel like a walking corpse most of the days; yet whenever I get into this state of mind, it makes me... Not necessarily happy, but willing to be alive. Even if it's for a while.

Here are some links of the older web, if you want to check it out:

Neocities - a portal of weblinks
Sadgrl - a personal website along with a collection of links to explore (I linked the collection by default, to go to the personal web, just click on the menu)

With these two you can access most of the web rings that I found. I hope they bring the same feeling to you that they do to me.

Many hugs.

Thank you so much for these links. I've heard of Neocities before but I didn't really understand what these were... I can't wait to look into more of these once I get one of my old laptops connected to the internet.

I'm... I'm so sorry to hear that, all of that is so horrible... Nobody deserves that... I hope you're able to find happiness with your hobbies and get away from them, far far away from them. I wish I could give you a hug (if you want it, of course)... If you ever want to talk to someone in a more private setting or anything, I'd love to lend you an ear, ehehe.

Thank you... hugs sound wonderful about now. And, eheh... that sounds great~ I'd love to talk to you more, and have someone to talk to outside of a public thread.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

Here's a haiku I made about old computers:

The old machine holds /
Nostalgia of a past /
I didn't witness


Your life experiences are miserable. I personally wouldn't have been able to endure half of what you are going through. Despite living such a horrible life you came here and opened up about it. It's a difficult thing to open up about things of the sort that you describe. But it's better to be heard than suffer alone.

It's interesting that you like old computers. I used to obsess over old phones, those rotary dial telephones they have in vintage movies even though I've never seen one in real life before, but I kind of understand why you find old computers to be fascinating. I hope it gives you some escape from the pain.

Sorry to have nothing positive to add. This just makes me wonder how much more cruel the world can get.

 

[Dot]

Hpe u cn undrstnd typng - if nt perhps sme1 cn hlp

Am srry fr wht u r goin thru -- cn only echo wht othrs hve said bt if u wantd 2 rport ur stp-brothr thre r measres tht u cld tke 2 gathr evidnce 2 mke sre tht lw-enforcmnt cn gt a cnvictn -- evn thngs lke usng hiddn recordng dvices whch captre ur non-cnsent & th/ evnt & thn th/ obvs d.n.a -- also phtographng n.e injries -- exif dta wll cnfrm th/ tme & plce tht thse phtos r takn

Wth evdnce lke tht no1 cn gas-lght thr wy out of ths

Tht = obvsly aftr 1st cnsidrng a sheltr -- u mght b abl 2 tke sme psessns or retrn wth lw-enfrcemnt 2 collct sme

Rgardng cmputers -- @watereyes = also SaSu residnt retro-technolgy 'nerd' -- mght hve sme gd cnvrsatns

 

[Kobusu]

Whatever you decide, and whenever you come to that decision, is all up to you. Until then, I hope you enjoy your time here and pull something truly valuable from it.