My hope is harmful

[nightfall]

I don't really know how to phrase this, but I'll do my best. I've been depressed most of my life, and medicated pretty heavily for the past year and a half or so. I have not-infrequent absolutely dismal days, where the only solution I can think of is CTB. However, for some reason, there's a part of my brain that can't shake thoughts of "yeah, but if you stick it out, maybe it'll get better. X could happen, Y could get fixed, Z might make you feel better." Obviously it never does get better, and these thoughts have been in my back of my mind for years. If anything, these thoughts are a negative influence, because it just continues to fuel the feelings of failure and meaninglessness that I'm constantly carrying.

Another problem is these types of thoughts make me feel "less worthy" of calling myself depressed, or suicidal, or whatever. I don't really know what to do. I've tried to get better so many times with so many different ways and I truly just can't picture what "happy" or "normal" or "healthy" feels like, so what's the point? At this stage I'd rather just shake the false hope so I can get out of here in peace.

Anyone have a similar experience or thoughts on this?

 

[charlotte_]

I can totally relate to this. It is really exhausting to carry both of these beliefs at the same time. I don't feel alive but don't feel dead either, just hanging in the middle, and just as confused as you are. Too tired to continue living but not decisive enough to just put an end to it all. Btw, your thoughts are not always telling you the right thing. Your experience is always valid as long as it is there and has took an impact on you. Even if others have it worse, it doesn't make yours any less valid. Anyway, I hope you'll soon find out when is the right time, and what is the true path you should follow

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that hope is something that is very harmful, it's a delusion to just lead to more suffering once one is forced to confront the cruel reality of existing here. But anyway your feelings are completely valid, it doesn't make you less suicidal in any way.

 

[SpiderLink]

I don't really know how to phrase this, but I'll do my best. I've been depressed most of my life, and medicated pretty heavily for the past year and a half or so. I have not-infrequent absolutely dismal days, where the only solution I can think of is CTB. However, for some reason, there's a part of my brain that can't shake thoughts of "yeah, but if you stick it out, maybe it'll get better. X could happen, Y could get fixed, Z might make you feel better." Obviously it never does get better, and these thoughts have been in my back of my mind for years. If anything, these thoughts are a negative influence, because it just continues to fuel the feelings of failure and meaninglessness that I'm constantly carrying.

Another problem is these types of thoughts make me feel "less worthy" of calling myself depressed, or suicidal, or whatever. I don't really know what to do. I've tried to get better so many times with so many different ways and I truly just can't picture what "happy" or "normal" or "healthy" feels like, so what's the point? At this stage I'd rather just shake the false hope so I can get out of here in peace.

Anyone have a similar experience or thoughts on this?

I relate to u so much, I hate the what if thoughts. I think that's anxiety part of u, I've always thought as depression and anxiety as a couple, but a toxic couple. They never seem to agree on one thing.

 

[expiredfckmeat]

I've gotten to the point where hope feels like a cruel joke, it's like torture. I don't know why I can't let go and it's literally driving me insane.

 

[downndone2]

I can relate to your post. The xyz could happen. I have things that do happen which are good. Since money is really what I need, I should probably buy more tickets... ugh

 

[notwhereIbelong]

I know exactly what you feel; I've had plenty of "positive changes" in my life that only ended up backfiring horribly, and yet I still have this stupid crumb of hope that maybe if I stay alive it will all work out, just this once, and prevents me from ctb. Despite knowing full well that it's not going to happen. Of course this also lead to me feeling "not depressed enough", because what depressed person has hope, involuntary or not?
It really does feel like a cruel joke