Story My hello, and far-too-long-winded tale

[U. A.]

....

 

[Un-]

I read your novel mate. I'm willing to put this as one of the longest (if not, THE longest) post(s) on this forum. Jokes aside, your life sounds like a nightmare.

This may come off as poor taste, but I was eating while I was reading your story, and.. Even though I don't have the best stomach behaviours either, your frustrations with your illness.. The idea of some of the most basic things being terrifying is.. Horrific to say the least. And there's nothing worse than suffering in front of people who just don't give a damn. I know that all to well.

I told my ex-girlfriend about my suicidal thoughts. How awful I feel every second of the day. All she does is say "I'm sorry", and then continues to talk about how great her life is. Goddamm, I know that pain too well, friend.

You probably weren't intending this, but.. Your story.. Really reflects on how horrible life, and people, can be. It's a scary situation. Before everything you described here, you were doing fabulous in life. I reckon that if this never happened (your misery, I'm referring to), you'd never understand the wanting to escape.. You'd probably never understand having suicidal thoughts.. You'd never understand the frustrations of being isolated, unseen, etcetera. How scary is that? How quicky life, and people can destroy you, and... Just..

I don't have much positive things to say, other than I hope you find what you're looking for.

PS.
I have severe depression that makes it unbearable to do anything, but your writing is so damn good that I genuinely was hooked. Consider writing a book or something.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

Welcome to SS and I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances. I read through the entire story and I agree with @Un- , you definitely have a knack for writing!

You've clearly been through a lot in life, and I admire your courage to keep fighting through it all. I really hope your life changes for the better soon. Hopefully your health improves and you find people IRL who actually give a damn.

I used to suffer from IBS (was randomly switching between constipation and diarrhea for no fucking reason) and G3 haemorrhoids, so I can relate to the eating anxiety and "only treatment is surgery which will put you in even worse pain" parts. There have been nights when I couldn't sleep over anxiety about what's it gonna be next morning, normal or bloody. Unfortunately poor sleep exacerbates a lot of digestive system conditions, so knowing that made me even more anxious -- I was getting anxious about my anxiety lol. Ironically what appears to have cured me was... my move to Canada. Idk if it was the clean(er) air/water or change of food compared to back home, but while I had flare-ups every week at home, I only had 2 flare-ups over the entire 4 years I spent in Canada. Life is truly weird.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through so much and I cannot even imagine how hard it must be, this life really is so cruel. I just think that it's so awful how our bodies can torture us so much with health problems. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[U. A.]

Thanks @Un- @veryhappyhuman and @FuneralCry for your kind words and time to take in my tale. Longest post ever? Happy to have that distinction on day one! Haha. There have been previous instances in life when I was a writer by trade, as well as an English teacher, so you aren't the first folks to say that. Funny enough, it's something I'd like to do for a good cause, but where are gainful ways to make writing a career these days? Usually selling your soul creating shitty product or influencer type blog copy, or potentially worse. Who knows.

@veryhappyhuman I'd be keen to learn more about our shared struggles, mainly those G3 rhoids and what became of them/how you manage(d). I've had this one giant one my whole life but based on what I know it has always been even to today a G1 because it's only out after a BM or random brief other times. In the last couple of weeks I've been feeling some pain there that is not normal though, and I can see that the medium ones on the other side have grown. They complicate everything by sometimes prevent a full evac which spells doom for fissures, so in the last year I've tried to "push without pushing" to make sure it's all clear, but always afraid I might be making things worse. Which it seems I may have done. Fuckity fuck, just can't win huh?

And @Un- you're right. It's part of why I don't get too mad at others who don't understand my agony. As humans there's only so much we can learn without direct experience; I often use the example of being told a fire is hot vs. finding out yourself just what that heat is like. Or imagine you had to explain the feeling of a papercut to someone who's never had one. How do you even do that? Just like with my dearly departed friend I had no clue, even after he was gone, though I often did imagine just how horrible he must have felt to be pushed to do what he did. Now I know the feeling myself...well, to an extent. I mean I haven't done it yet.

I've not spent much time here yet but did already come across two recent goodbye threads. I had fairly visceral reactions even though I had absolutely zero attachment to the content. In one of them they were just so scared and lonely and the latter really...sank in. It's lonely to live for so many of us, and lonely even to die...makes me rethink my current exit plan, which involves going out into the middle of nowhere. Given how fucking isolated I already am I wonder even more now if I'd bail; I hadn't even considered that aspect. Dammit.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

Funny enough, it's something I'd like to do for a good cause, but where are gainful ways to make writing a career these days?

I don't know about the good cause part, but as for the gainful part: there are companies which can pay you decent $ for writing content for their websites, promo material and such. Maybe you can try freelancing sites to find a job like that. If you can expand your skills to include SEO/marketing, you can cast an even wider net. Another possibility, if you're interested in tech, like gadgets etc, you can try the tech review route -- writing reviews for online magazines. Sorry if I'm not explaining clearly but I have only limited knowledge of this field.

I'd be keen to learn more about our shared struggles, mainly those G3 rhoids and what became of them/how you manage(d).

I dont do that much by way of management tbh. Probiotic supplements have helped with the IBS, and for the rhoids, its basically: a) consciously drink lots of water during the day, b) lean well forward while sitting on the loo bc it puts less pressure on the rhoids (and anus area in general) and c) warm-water bidet after doing my thing, to help relax the rhoids and keep blood flowing to them. Applying vaseline helps to an extent but makes things super messy so I stopped using it.
But like I said, I believe what helped the most was the move to Canada from my 3rd world shithole. I moved to a smaller town in the west of Canada rather than a big city like Vancouver or GTA, which I think was a great choice.

They complicate everything by sometimes prevent a full evac which spells doom for fissures, so in the last year I've tried to "push without pushing" to make sure it's all clear, but always afraid I might be making things worse.

Yeah I've been through that, it's a truly horrifying experience. I'm so sorry. Having roids is bad enough but to have fissures on top of that, I can't even imagine.

 

[Un-]

And @Un- you're right. It's part of why I don't get too mad at others who don't understand my agony. As humans there's only so much we can learn without direct experience; I often use the example of being told a fire is hot vs. finding out yourself just what that heat is like. Or imagine you had to explain the feeling of a papercut to someone who's never had one. How do you even do that? Just like with my dearly departed friend I had no clue, even after he was gone, though I often did imagine just how horrible he must have felt to be pushed to do what he did. Now I know the feeling myself...well, to an extent. I mean I haven't done it yet

Yeah. I don't.. I mean I don't have friends, but if I did, I wouldn't be upset if they struggled to care about me and stuff. Because they wouldn't know how to relate. With that said, though, it makes this entire suicide thing worse.. Like you said, some of us are alone when we die. Alone in our thoughts.. Alone, physically.. You never really realise how much of a blessing people are, until you lose them.

 

[again_noidea]

Let's see if my battery survives this one...not sure what constitutes needing a TW but there are likely a few in here. Dunno what they'd be called but please use your own judgement if you're sensitive. This this ended up so fucking long that I honestly don't imagine anyone will read the entire thing anyway...

I've read it. Being ill with something that is out of control is a horrible thing because it brings constant worries and anxiety and it stops you from engaging in things that would make your life better. I have no idea about your condition, but i would recommend to set the healing as a priority. Can you get some money for a private doctor? are there any good alternative healing options. I'm telling you, i you need to heal before you do can built a life worth living. Put all your energy into the healing process! I know it is difficult and maybe impossible.... but aim afraid it would be the only chance you have in building a life.

 

[U. A.]

companies which can pay you decent $ for writing content for their websites, promo material and such. Maybe you can try freelancing sites to find a job like that. If you can expand your skills to include SEO/marketing, you can cast an even wider net

This is the exact kind of job I would not want, haha. Just pushing the fucking capitalist agenda, creating filth the world doesn't need to help sell shit that likely shouldn't exist. I mean not in all cases of course but what I like about writing is...well, I think you can probably imagine it from the way I wrote my initial post. I was a small-time/freelance journalist for a while and that's the kind of thing I'd want to do. But also not just covering bs stories, writing about things that allow for a creative voice and actually matter to the world So fucking picky, I am. Sigh

Yeah I've been through that, it's a truly horrifying experience. I'm so sorry. Having roids is bad enough but to have fissures on top of that, I can't even imagine.

I feel like the only way for me to really go well and comfortably at this point is a full squat. I've been using those toilet stool things but they put this weird pressure on my legs with doesn't let me relax completely and stresses me out. The foreleg should be supporting us and have the pressure, not the thigh...I also use a handheld bidet after and sometimes hop into a little washtub with warm water, where sometimes (with increasing resistance) I can feel a little more stool. I know the rhoids swell when I go and I'm pretty sure my foolish body is just chronically confused by feeling them that it doesn't know how/when to relax/properly to let everything out. But I basically never go twice a day which I feel would help. I'm glad you've managed to make things work for you.

You never really realise how much of a blessing people are, until you lose them.

I started realising this when it started to happen; trick now is that I have known for time the value of good connections and they keep dying. Or maybe it just seems that way to me as I have so little/good doing on in my life; would I perceive this all differently if I was preoccupied with wonderful events?

Put all your energy into the healing process! I know it is difficult and maybe impossible.... but aim afraid it would be the only chance you have in building a life.

This line of thought was what made me relocate to where I currently am. Sadly there's not really much left to be done on my end except do my best to stave off repeated catastrophes; healthcare here is absolutely not integrated or preventative, so I've got this constellation of different specialists who don't communicate with eachother and hardly with me who are kinda just there to get on a list for if things suddenly are at critical mass. With two years of covid backup and deliberate underfunding by the provincial government over the last three plus years in order to fucking privatize the system, things are on track to get even worse. Hooray.