my goodbye thread - SN drink - 12am 7/23/23

[nofun.intended]

hi everyone..

i decided i should make this, seeing as it's my last week being on this planet basically. it feels strange. like, i can't believe that i've decided to do this and be serious about it. it feels unreal, like another part of me decided and regular me is just going with it cause i don't have any real argument against the decision.

i'm gonna test out my meto today after i go to sleep for the night. i'll let y'all know how that goes.

my plan is to call out this friday and saturday from work. friday i'm going to take myself to six flags and go on all the rides i want, and have all the snacks/food i love (although the only meal i've really had there is chicken tenders.. maybe i should branch out lol). saturday i'm going to the lake and relax/swim for the first half of the day, and then have my last meal around 5:00pm. i have to go to a motel 6 cause their minimum check-in age is 18, and i'm 19. i'll kill time between then and like 9:30pm, and then i'll start getting ready for my 12:00am "bedtime".

i have a digital scale and an espresso glass with mL measurements on it delivering from amazon this week, too. i bought some sore throat numbing spray to use before i drink the SN to help mask the taste.

i don't know if i should plan ahead and pack my shit up in boxes before hand, or just leave it for like, the moving people or whoever. i rent a room in an apartment duplex, and idk if my landlord would just hire people to move it all to a storage unit. i'm not sure how that works when someone that's renting dies suddenly.

i like the idea of putting it all away how i would want it, but my landlords two young kids are here often and i don't know how i would explain it if the youngest saw. she's grown very fond of me and loves play just dance on my wii. my landlord is a shit bag though, and uses me as a live-in nanny basically. i watch/occupy the 5 and 11 year old, and clean up after the puppy he bought just to occupy the kids. what's he doing, you ask? he's upstairs in his room on his fucking xbox playing some 1st person shooter game. he'll scream down his stairs if he needs one of his daughters, or he'll be sleeping and be completely unaware that the dog he doesn't bother to train shit twice on the floor and peed in a couple different spots, or that the 5 year old is pounding on the bathroom door while i'm showering cause she wants to play with me. i swear to god she did it to my bedroom door last night at like 2 in the morning and she scared me out of my sleep. i was so pissed.

i guess this also became a little rant-type post, but it's alright... i had a lot to get off my chest i guess.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

okay, here's my time-stamped plan.


this is also the numbing spray i bought from CVS to help with the taste. maybe it'll be helpful to someone else too :)


i already know it works well cause i've used it before when i actually had a sore throat. it works pretty damn good.

 

[Mx_Pathetic]

hi everyone..

i decided i should make this, seeing as it's my last week being on this planet basically. it feels strange. like, i can't believe that i've decided to do this and be serious about it. it feels unreal, like another part of me decided and regular me is just going with it cause i don't have any real argument against the decision.

i'm gonna test out my meto today after i go to sleep for the night. i'll let y'all know how that goes.

my plan is to call out this friday and saturday from work. friday i'm going to take myself to six flags and go on all the rides i want, and have all the snacks/food i love (although the only meal i've really had there is chicken tenders.. maybe i should branch out lol). saturday i'm going to the lake and relax/swim for the first half of the day, and then have my last meal around 5:00pm. i have to go to a motel 6 cause their minimum check-in age is 18, and i'm 19. i'll kill time between then and like 9:30pm, and then i'll start getting ready for my 12:00am "bedtime".

i have a digital scale and an espresso glass with mL measurements on it delivering from amazon this week, too. i bought some sore throat numbing spray to use before i drink the SN to help mask the taste.

i don't know if i should plan ahead and pack my shit up in boxes before hand, or just leave it for like, the moving people or whoever. i rent a room in an apartment duplex, and idk if my landlord would just hire people to move it all to a storage unit. i'm not sure how that works when someone that's renting dies suddenly.

i like the idea of putting it all away how i would want it, but my landlords two young kids are here often and i don't know how i would explain it if the youngest saw. she's grown very fond of me and loves play just dance on my wii. my landlord is a shit bag though, and uses me as a live-in nanny basically. i watch/occupy the 5 and 11 year old, and clean up after the puppy he bought just to occupy the kids. what's he doing, you ask? he's upstairs in his room on his fucking xbox playing some 1st person shooter game. he'll scream down his stairs if he needs one of his daughters, or he'll be sleeping and be completely unaware that the dog he doesn't bother to train shit twice on the floor and peed in a couple different spots, or that the 5 year old is pounding on the bathroom door while i'm showering cause she wants to play with me. i swear to god she did it to my bedroom door last night at like 2 in the morning and she scared me out of my sleep. i was so pissed.

i guess this also became a little rant-type post, but it's alright... i had a lot to get off my chest i guess.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

okay, here's my time-stamped plan.
View attachment 116239

this is also the numbing spray i bought from CVS to help with the taste. maybe it'll be helpful to someone else too :)
View attachment 116240

i already know it works well cause i've used it before when i actually had a sore throat. it works pretty damn good.

Good luck Here if you need to talk tho.

 

[アホペンギン]

Safe travels

 

[Aergia]

All the best Hope you find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Shit, just saw someone else have a goodbye thread and now you, it's surreal sometimes but I do wish you all the best and I'll be watching till the end.

i apprecate how prepared you are with what you have and hope you'll find success in the end. I'd advise that Meto be about 45 mins before your SN drink, not 20 mins before as I fear that may not be enough time for absorption of it and also the fact that it is pretty much in the guide when it comes to timing of medication before the SN drink itself.

 

[90starve]

hi everyone..

i decided i should make this, seeing as it's my last week being on this planet basically. it feels strange. like, i can't believe that i've decided to do this and be serious about it. it feels unreal, like another part of me decided and regular me is just going with it cause i don't have any real argument against the decision.

i'm gonna test out my meto today after i go to sleep for the night. i'll let y'all know how that goes.

my plan is to call out this friday and saturday from work. friday i'm going to take myself to six flags and go on all the rides i want, and have all the snacks/food i love (although the only meal i've really had there is chicken tenders.. maybe i should branch out lol). saturday i'm going to the lake and relax/swim for the first half of the day, and then have my last meal around 5:00pm. i have to go to a motel 6 cause their minimum check-in age is 18, and i'm 19. i'll kill time between then and like 9:30pm, and then i'll start getting ready for my 12:00am "bedtime".

i have a digital scale and an espresso glass with mL measurements on it delivering from amazon this week, too. i bought some sore throat numbing spray to use before i drink the SN to help mask the taste.

i don't know if i should plan ahead and pack my shit up in boxes before hand, or just leave it for like, the moving people or whoever. i rent a room in an apartment duplex, and idk if my landlord would just hire people to move it all to a storage unit. i'm not sure how that works when someone that's renting dies suddenly.

i like the idea of putting it all away how i would want it, but my landlords two young kids are here often and i don't know how i would explain it if the youngest saw. she's grown very fond of me and loves play just dance on my wii. my landlord is a shit bag though, and uses me as a live-in nanny basically. i watch/occupy the 5 and 11 year old, and clean up after the puppy he bought just to occupy the kids. what's he doing, you ask? he's upstairs in his room on his fucking xbox playing some 1st person shooter game. he'll scream down his stairs if he needs one of his daughters, or he'll be sleeping and be completely unaware that the dog he doesn't bother to train shit twice on the floor and peed in a couple different spots, or that the 5 year old is pounding on the bathroom door while i'm showering cause she wants to play with me. i swear to god she did it to my bedroom door last night at like 2 in the morning and she scared me out of my sleep. i was so pissed.

i guess this also became a little rant-type post, but it's alright... i had a lot to get off my chest i guess.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

okay, here's my time-stamped plan.
View attachment 116239

this is also the numbing spray i bought from CVS to help with the taste. maybe it'll be helpful to someone else too :)
View attachment 116240

i already know it works well cause i've used it before when i actually had a sore throat. it works pretty damn good.

it sounds like you've come to an informed decision, and you've got a well thought out plan. i wish you the best of luck when the day arrives <3

 

[GasMonkey]

See you on the Other Side.

 

[nofun.intended]

Shit, just saw someone else have a goodbye thread and now you, it's surreal sometimes but I do wish you all the best and I'll be watching till the end.

i apprecate how prepared you are with what you have and hope you'll find success in the end. I'd advise that Meto be about 45 mins before your SN drink, not 20 mins before as I fear that may not be enough time for absorption of it and also the fact that it is pretty much in the guide when it comes to timing of medication before the SN drink itself.

oh you're right, thanks for pointing that out! i meant to put it as 40 mins (11:20pm) before the drink, but i did a typo. i just fixed it in my notes app :)

 

[Deleted member 65988]

oh you're right, thanks for pointing that out! i meant to put it as 40 mins (11:20pm) before the drink, but i did a typo. i just fixed it in my notes app :)

oh I see, no stress though .

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Have a smooth journey and I hope you find peace! Good luck!

 

[nofun.intended]

alrighty, so i tried 10mg of the meto, and i didn't have any bad side effects. it honestly didn't feel like anything different. i'm not sure if i should try taking 20mg another day this week.

 

[Techef]

i don't know if i should plan ahead and pack my shit up in boxes before hand, or just leave it for like, the moving people or whoever. i rent a room in an apartment duplex, and idk if my landlord would just hire people to move it all to a storage unit. i'm not sure how that works when someone that's renting dies suddenly.

This is something I'm worried about too, but I'm now too sick and don't have the energy to properly pack. I'm going to be leaving with unpaid debt, so I'm wondering if my personal belongings just get sold off to pay off my creditors regardless of how I want to handle things (like if I wanted to give the few nice things I have left in my possession to someone).

 

[Elle]

Hope you find peace <3

 

[nofun.intended]

This is something I'm worried about too, but I'm now too sick and don't have the energy to properly pack. I'm going to be leaving with unpaid debt, so I'm wondering if my personal belongings just get sold off to pay off my creditors regardless of how I want to handle things (like if I wanted to give the few nice things I have left in my possession to someone).

i have a feeling that even if my belongings were put in a storage unit, the bill wouldn't end up getting paid. the same thing happened to me and my sister's childhood things when we were younger. our mom got kicked out of her apartment and i think it was originally in a storage unit, but the bill was overdue. i never knew what happened to all of our shit.

 

[hunterfla]

i have a feeling that even if my belongings were put in a storage unit, the bill wouldn't end up getting paid. the same thing happened to me and my sister's childhood things when we were younger. our mom got kicked out of her apartment and i think it was originally in a storage unit, but the bill was overdue. i never knew what happened to all of our shit.

I often wonder how many of those units on shows like "storage wars" are the result of situations like this. Either evictions or people who died unexpectedly and obviously couldn't pay their bill.

 

[nofun.intended]

so i ended up calling out of work today and i went to the beach with my older sister (21st birthday girl!), our two cousins, and some of my sisters friends. we drank and smoked some weed and swam in the ocean. i had a nice time individually, but not really as being part of the group. it just doesn't feel the same anymore. my sister acts like a completely different person when she's around her friends and even my cousin pointed it out. i love them all dearly, but i just feel so disconnected from everyone.

it still doesn't feel real when i'm saying to myself that that was the last time they were going to see me. my cousins, at least. i don't know if my sister is going to try to see me again this week. i feel like a horrible person for killing myself but i also feel like i already made my mind up, you know?

my aunt called me yesterday and offered help and guidance to get me out of my living situation, and she would help me find a better job and stuff like that. i feel horrible that i'm not gonna end up taking it.

i hate myself. i hate who i've become and i hate that i hate me so much. i hate everything about me and i wish i could just be like other people socially. it hurts. it hurts so much and i just want it to stop. i don't want to keep trying for this bullshit world we're living in, but the guilt and shame that's around suicide makes the hurt even worse cause i feel bad about two fucking things now.

i wish i didn't have to do this myself. take all the blame and responsibility. i wish the universe would take my life for me.

 

[020x]

goodluck
will be scary i imagine..

 

[Dwa23500]

Good luck friend, see you on the other side.

 

[bedhead_baby]

Well, I'm crying. Be certain it's what you want, and be safe, please.

 

[Paperclips]

I can definitely relate to the feelings of guilt... Safe travels

 

[LittleNelson]

I'm glad you're finally going to be at peace. I hope I can get the courage to go soon.

 

[nofun.intended]

so i have a little update..

i ended up talking with my older sister and opened up to her about what i was planning and feeling. she's having me stay at her house for the weekend and she wants me to get rid of the SN. she suggested burning it.

i feel weaker than i felt before. i already summoned up the courage to go through with the fucking plan, and now what, i've just decided i'm not gonna do it? it feels strange.

i know that there's a life that i want to live, but i don't know right now if it's worth trying for. however, i would like to try for that life. i know it's going to be hard for me, and i know that i should probably (unfortunately) start getting professional help again, and i know that this other part of me is going to keep questioning why i'm still alive and trying.

right now, i'm not making this choice for me. right now, this is for my sister.

thank you everyone for the support, though. suicide is weird to talk about, and being suicidal & explaining my feelings on it is even weirder. i hate it, but maybe i can become the woman i've always wanted to be... now that i'm not dying tonight.

 

[iloverilakkuma]

so i have a little update..

i ended up talking with my older sister and opened up to her about what i was planning and feeling. she's having me stay at her house for the weekend and she wants me to get rid of the SN. she suggested burning it.

i feel weaker than i felt before. i already summoned up the courage to go through with the fucking plan, and now what, i've just decided i'm not gonna do it? it feels strange.

i know that there's a life that i want to live, but i don't know right now if it's worth trying for. however, i would like to try for that life. i know it's going to be hard for me, and i know that i should probably (unfortunately) start getting professional help again, and i know that this other part of me is going to keep questioning why i'm still alive and trying.

right now, i'm not making this choice for me. right now, this is for my sister.

thank you everyone for the support, though. suicide is weird to talk about, and being suicidal & explaining my feelings on it is even weirder. i hate it, but maybe i can become the woman i've always wanted to be... now that i'm not dying tonight.

Still here for you. Life happens in weird ways, cut yourself some slack.

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry any want talk ok, tell u also keep mthod alws ,hope safe

 

[deep blue ocean]

so i have a little update..

i ended up talking with my older sister and opened up to her about what i was planning and feeling. she's having me stay at her house for the weekend and she wants me to get rid of the SN. she suggested burning it.

i feel weaker than i felt before. i already summoned up the courage to go through with the fucking plan, and now what, i've just decided i'm not gonna do it? it feels strange.

i know that there's a life that i want to live, but i don't know right now if it's worth trying for. however, i would like to try for that life. i know it's going to be hard for me, and i know that i should probably (unfortunately) start getting professional help again, and i know that this other part of me is going to keep questioning why i'm still alive and trying.

right now, i'm not making this choice for me. right now, this is for my sister.

thank you everyone for the support, though. suicide is weird to talk about, and being suicidal & explaining my feelings on it is even weirder. i hate it, but maybe i can become the woman i've always wanted to be... now that i'm not dying tonight.

We will always have a plan that will be ruined by something unexpected and it's fine.You shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Kerrtu]

I'm glad you spoke with your older sister. I don't know how many sisters you have, but I have one and she is my older sister. We talk pretty openly - I imagine if I told her I had SN and I explained to her what it is, she'd want me to burn it, too.

I am NOT suggesting you do what I'd do, I'm only putting or imagining myself in that situation and I'm certain I'd hide the SN well and lie to my sister that I got rid of it. Again, NOT suggesting you do this (lie to your sister and do what I would do) - for as open as I am with my sister and vice versa, we do have secrets as well.

As others have remarked, and easier said than done, please try to go easy on yourself. Whichever path you choose, that's for you to decide when and where and how. And many times, even the best laid plans go awry.

Hugs, @nofun.intended

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Wow this was a ride to read but like a beautiful one...

I'm glad you opened up to your older sister and she gave u some fuel to keep going. Sibling relationships that are good/supportive can be such a motivator to keep living. It's a truly beautiful thing. It almost makes me wanna contact my older brother... almost...

Also thnxxx so much for sharing about the sore throat spray I didn't know these existed!!! Def gonna buy it for myself given the throat problems I often have. I'm feeling excited now bc damn all I want when my throat is sore is to eat

Anyway this post was inspiring. Whatever you choose on your own journey I wish you the best with it

 

[MerryGoDown]

Sending you all of the love
Like others have said, cut yourself some slack. You're not giving up on yourself or your plans or your sister yet. You will find the strength to do what you need to do most. What matters most is you find peace.

 

[bedhead_baby]

so i have a little update..

i ended up talking with my older sister and opened up to her about what i was planning and feeling. she's having me stay at her house for the weekend and she wants me to get rid of the SN. she suggested burning it.

i feel weaker than i felt before. i already summoned up the courage to go through with the fucking plan, and now what, i've just decided i'm not gonna do it? it feels strange.

i know that there's a life that i want to live, but i don't know right now if it's worth trying for. however, i would like to try for that life. i know it's going to be hard for me, and i know that i should probably (unfortunately) start getting professional help again, and i know that this other part of me is going to keep questioning why i'm still alive and trying.

right now, i'm not making this choice for me. right now, this is for my sister.

thank you everyone for the support, though. suicide is weird to talk about, and being suicidal & explaining my feelings on it is even weirder. i hate it, but maybe i can become the woman i've always wanted to be... now that i'm not dying tonight.

I'm so happy to hear your older sister is supporting you. I was thinking about you all day, yesterday. I had started crying while reading your post.

It certainly does feel strange when you have your heart set on a plan, and then you keep living. Been there. I hope it's a choice for the better, and you get on the road to the life you want.