AnxiouslyDepressed
Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
- Nov 8, 2019
- 149
Hi everyone.
The time has come for me to ctb via SN. It's been an absolute pleasure getting to know some of you on this site, and to feel so welcomed when I first joined. As with anyone joining the site, particularly with the topic the site revolves around, it was very daunting... but I could not of asked for a more friendly bunch to welcome my thoughts and accept my choices and help me with any questions I had.
I would like to thank the staff, admins and moderators for the voluntary work they do for all of us. I'm sure I speak on behalf of all of us on this site, but thank you so very much for allowing this place to exist the way that it does. Easily accessible, non-judgemental and welcoming.
Before I go on, I will be updating this thread with posts/comments below as the time goes on documenting my experience in hopes it alleviates some of the anxiety that surrounds this method.
I would like to thank a few people for simply being them and making this journey to ctb that little bit easier. In no particular order, they are as follows:
@Charlotte The Carrot - The first person to have a proper conversation with me on this site, and made me feel a little less alone. A great artist! A kind, genuine soul and if everyone else reading this isn't already, get in on the Charlotte fan club.
@CaptainT - The first person goodbye thread I had seen... and still reached out to help with with my anxieties surrounding SN. Gave me a lot of good information, and I hope I had somewhat repaid the favour. I hope you can find peace soon as I know you are keen to.
@SoupSnakes - Prone to strokes so watch out for that in the SS chat. Someone I can genuinely have a laugh with and feel somewhat "normal" with again, and at this time of my life means the absolute world. I'll miss you taking the absolute piss out of me, and I know your keen on catching the bus soon too... so hope to see you over there so I can kick your fucking teeth in "petal" ;) and then hopefully thank you in person, if such a thing as an "afterlife" exists. If I come back as a spirit or anything like that, I'll be on the first flight to Newcastle to absolutely terrorise this lass' life. To summarise, I guess she's alright ;)
@Stan - Not much doings with Stan, but a few PMs to answer my questions which I'm sure he is bombarded with all of the time. He is the one that put in the tremendous amount of effort to write his SN guide, something that I simply could not of ctb without. You clearly mean well, and you and @BPD jokes throughout threads gave me a good chuckle here and there. God speed to you Stan and for all the work you have done for us and countless more to come, thank you.
@kkatt - Looked our for me when going through extreme anxiety. Helped me in ways I cannot publicly mention (nothing NSFW you dirty dogs) but yeah, can't thank them enough and was a MAJOR contributor in terms of me being able to overcome my SI and actually carry out the act that I wanted, the way I wanted.
@Bluefish - Bluefish doesn't seem to be very active on the site threads or chat, as far as I have seen, but we have messaged back and forth since I signed up and he has an absolute heart of gold. The kindest soul that I have met in this site, and my heart breaks for his circumstances. I won't mention anything as I'm unsure if he would be happy with me to share as he doesn't publicly do it himself, but the guy has a lot going on (like we all do) and it seems at this point there's no way out. Buddy, in one way or another, there is light at the end of the tunnel... if that's new found hope of life or ctb, you will get there. Keep the head up mate.
@SinisterKid - A good laugh in the chat and took the time to reach out to me as he could see I was going through some rocky, hard moments. A genuine guy who wants to be here to help others, albeit not wanting to currently or actively ctb. Thanks for what you do here mate.
@LMLN - My SS mother. Has done nothing but look out for me and check in on me since the start. Like many others, my heart absolutely breaks for your situation and I know your date isn't far away! Always cheered me up and made me feel like I had someone looking out for me. I hope your journey is as peaceful as can be and you are re-united with your husband. I will see both of you on the other side.
@angele - we only spoke briefly but your artwork is amazing! if you can somewhat pursue it, I would definitely go for it. The passion you have for it and the talent should not be wasted!
I hope I haven't missed anyone else out, as I'm a little sedated with benzos just now!
And of course, the rest of the regulars at the SS chat (I cannot mention you all I'm sorry) and everyone else on this site. I can't thank you all enough from the bottom of my broken heart.
Enough of the tears, on to the schedule. I did a sloppy regimen but we'll see how it works out! Don't punish me @Stan ;) Let's see how well this goes trying to format on mobile.
Sun 24/11/2019
Mon 25/11/2019
So, I will be replying to this thread thanking the people that post below and then I will be posting updates on how I'm feeling. At the time of posting, its 9:40pm, so feeling s little sedated right now. Have some music on and even discovering some new music! Any recommend anything I can be doing in my last few hours?
Mam and Gran, I love you so much and I'm so sorry. To my unborn *possible* daughter, I am so sorry but you will do me proud hunny. To the rest of my family, I ask that you be allowed to grieve, and be angry, resent me, but I ask that you do not feel in anyway shape or form guilty. The personal notes to you all will hopefully help with overcoming any guilt feelings.
Take it easy everyone. I sincerely hope you all find peace regardless of the path you take. Live well or rest easy.
-AD
The time has come for me to ctb via SN. It's been an absolute pleasure getting to know some of you on this site, and to feel so welcomed when I first joined. As with anyone joining the site, particularly with the topic the site revolves around, it was very daunting... but I could not of asked for a more friendly bunch to welcome my thoughts and accept my choices and help me with any questions I had.
I would like to thank the staff, admins and moderators for the voluntary work they do for all of us. I'm sure I speak on behalf of all of us on this site, but thank you so very much for allowing this place to exist the way that it does. Easily accessible, non-judgemental and welcoming.
Before I go on, I will be updating this thread with posts/comments below as the time goes on documenting my experience in hopes it alleviates some of the anxiety that surrounds this method.
I would like to thank a few people for simply being them and making this journey to ctb that little bit easier. In no particular order, they are as follows:
@Charlotte The Carrot - The first person to have a proper conversation with me on this site, and made me feel a little less alone. A great artist! A kind, genuine soul and if everyone else reading this isn't already, get in on the Charlotte fan club.
@CaptainT - The first person goodbye thread I had seen... and still reached out to help with with my anxieties surrounding SN. Gave me a lot of good information, and I hope I had somewhat repaid the favour. I hope you can find peace soon as I know you are keen to.
@SoupSnakes - Prone to strokes so watch out for that in the SS chat. Someone I can genuinely have a laugh with and feel somewhat "normal" with again, and at this time of my life means the absolute world. I'll miss you taking the absolute piss out of me, and I know your keen on catching the bus soon too... so hope to see you over there so I can kick your fucking teeth in "petal" ;) and then hopefully thank you in person, if such a thing as an "afterlife" exists. If I come back as a spirit or anything like that, I'll be on the first flight to Newcastle to absolutely terrorise this lass' life. To summarise, I guess she's alright ;)
@Stan - Not much doings with Stan, but a few PMs to answer my questions which I'm sure he is bombarded with all of the time. He is the one that put in the tremendous amount of effort to write his SN guide, something that I simply could not of ctb without. You clearly mean well, and you and @BPD jokes throughout threads gave me a good chuckle here and there. God speed to you Stan and for all the work you have done for us and countless more to come, thank you.
@kkatt - Looked our for me when going through extreme anxiety. Helped me in ways I cannot publicly mention (nothing NSFW you dirty dogs) but yeah, can't thank them enough and was a MAJOR contributor in terms of me being able to overcome my SI and actually carry out the act that I wanted, the way I wanted.
@Bluefish - Bluefish doesn't seem to be very active on the site threads or chat, as far as I have seen, but we have messaged back and forth since I signed up and he has an absolute heart of gold. The kindest soul that I have met in this site, and my heart breaks for his circumstances. I won't mention anything as I'm unsure if he would be happy with me to share as he doesn't publicly do it himself, but the guy has a lot going on (like we all do) and it seems at this point there's no way out. Buddy, in one way or another, there is light at the end of the tunnel... if that's new found hope of life or ctb, you will get there. Keep the head up mate.
@SinisterKid - A good laugh in the chat and took the time to reach out to me as he could see I was going through some rocky, hard moments. A genuine guy who wants to be here to help others, albeit not wanting to currently or actively ctb. Thanks for what you do here mate.
@LMLN - My SS mother. Has done nothing but look out for me and check in on me since the start. Like many others, my heart absolutely breaks for your situation and I know your date isn't far away! Always cheered me up and made me feel like I had someone looking out for me. I hope your journey is as peaceful as can be and you are re-united with your husband. I will see both of you on the other side.
@angele - we only spoke briefly but your artwork is amazing! if you can somewhat pursue it, I would definitely go for it. The passion you have for it and the talent should not be wasted!
I hope I haven't missed anyone else out, as I'm a little sedated with benzos just now!
And of course, the rest of the regulars at the SS chat (I cannot mention you all I'm sorry) and everyone else on this site. I can't thank you all enough from the bottom of my broken heart.
Enough of the tears, on to the schedule. I did a sloppy regimen but we'll see how it works out! Don't punish me @Stan ;) Let's see how well this goes trying to format on mobile.
Sun 24/11/2019
| 12pm | 10mg metoclopramide |
| 12am | 10mg metoclopramide |
| 12pm | 10x metoclopramide |
| 4:30pm | started fast |
| 5pm | 10mg metoclopramide |
| 9pm | 1mg clonazepam |
| 10pm | 10mg metoclopramide |
| 10:30pm | stopped drinking |
| 11:30pm | 120mg propranolol, 1mg xanax, 4mg diazepam, 1000mg paracetamol |
| 11:45pm | 30mg metoclopramide |
| 12:00am | 20ml Milk of Magnesia |
| 12:30am | 20g SN in 50ml water |
Mam and Gran, I love you so much and I'm so sorry. To my unborn *possible* daughter, I am so sorry but you will do me proud hunny. To the rest of my family, I ask that you be allowed to grieve, and be angry, resent me, but I ask that you do not feel in anyway shape or form guilty. The personal notes to you all will hopefully help with overcoming any guilt feelings.
Take it easy everyone. I sincerely hope you all find peace regardless of the path you take. Live well or rest easy.
-AD
Last edited:
. how are u feeling?
