I know this might be easier said than done but first, relax. Calm yourself down. Take as long as you need to calm down and then think.
First, I would like to help you realise that you do not control people and you do not control what is. This is a fact that might be hard to swallow right now, but it will help you set her free and set yourself free. Next, I can tell that you are in deep pain and distress, you can still act calmly despite all of this.
My advice is: look within yourself. Ask yourself "What do I want? What am I looking for? What am I trying to achieve? How do I want to achieve? What would I be comfortable and okay doing and not doing to achieve it?"
Once that is clear, express yourself, your thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, desires, ideas, etc... through communication, first to yourself, and then to her, if you want to. Try to set aside some time for an open, honest, calm and clear communication for both of you. Some time where both can express to themselves and the other and listen to themselves and the other as well. You can ask questions, lay it all out there. Sometimes, misunderstandings and lack of open communication and actual open listening is the cause of chaos. After you've communicated clearly and openly and listened clearly and openly, whatever the outcome is, you decide what to do afterwards.
Because it seems that undoing the chaos as fast as possible would be ideal, I suggest you bring the idea of open communication up to her now or as soon as possible. Just bringing up the idea. The actual communication can happen when both of you are ready, if you both want to. However you decide to word it, is up to you. The idea would be along the lines of "Can we talk openly and sincerely about our thoughts and feelings to each other and listen openly and sincerely to each other as well? It doesn't have to be now. We can both organise our thoughts and feelings first. As soon as possible would be ideal. There are some things I would like to know, clear up and talk about. Would you be willing to do that?"
If she says yes, you should both agree on when this conversation should take place so you can both get as ready as you can until then. It could be the next day, a few days from then, it's up to you.
I suggest writing down the points that are important for you to discuss and clarify. And you should suggest her to do the same.
I believe open, clear and sincere communication and receptivity is essential in a relationship, especially, in the relationship with your significant other. If you also believe this, you could express this to your significant other. If they are not willing to cooperate or they don't agree, I'm afraid that the relationship will be exclusively one-sided. On one side, there is a person who is willing to both express themselves and listen clearly, openly and sincerely and allow their significant other to do the same and on the other, there is a person who doesn't allow clear, open and sincere communication and receptivity, either from themselves or the other.
If one or both parties aren't willing to do what it takes, chaos will ensue and the relationship will die, one way or another, at some point or another. But whatever happens, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Whatever happens, happens. It is what it is.
Relationships have many layers and are rather complex. It involves a being in their entirety and another being in their entirety. Sometimes, it is just easier to accept that the beings, in their entirety, aren't compatible with each other entirely. This will show you more about yourself and what you are looking for.
If you are looking for that which is 100% compatible with your 100% true self in its entirety, you will need much patience, strength, openness, trust and commitment. And also, much acceptance of yourself, your true self, in your entirety. And much acceptance that others are themselves.
So, it isn't your fault when someone or something isn't compatible with you. You are yourself and they are themselves. A cube won't perfectly fit into a triangular-shaped hole no matter what. If it's too big, it won't even get in and even if it's small enough that it can get in, it won't be a perfect fit because there will be empty spaces for both.
Of course, shaving off the excess or adding parts that weren't there originally, is cheating and faking. And, it isn't sustainable effortlessly.
Only what fits perfectly 100% in its pure, true, raw, effortless entirety and state, fits perfectly, purely, truly, rawly and effortlessly, 100%. This is a fact.
The phrase: It is what it is. Will help you find and stay in peace whatever happens or doesn't happen.
It is what it is.
This is my advice, the rest is up to you.
