Discussion My gf means the world to me

[boldarnold]

Hello guys , I really wanna know your opinions about something rarely discussed here , so i have this special relationship with my gf , we are basically soulmates , and she is literally the only person left for me in this world , the thing is , i know my death will break here into pieces , i don't know if she is going to be able to handle it after i'm gone , the idea of causing that much pain is the only thing preventing me of ending for good , but i had enough with life and i don't think i will be able to handle it anymore , how can i make it less painful for her ? Should I make her hate me before I do it ? Should I break up with her ?

 

[Foresight]

I had a similar discussion with my husband recently. His reaction was severe and it's a very daunting aspect of suicide. If you're riding a level of uncertainty then it's an awful, terrible idea to break up. I can't emphasize that enough. Breaking up would be part of final preparations, not part of the consideration stage.

I think do whatever you can do. Leave her a detailed note. Leave behind some assets or cash if you have any. It'll never be easy for her, and make sure you fully consider if you want to leave the life you have with her behind. If you're split on the decision then I think an honest heart to heart with her about how you're struggling is the best thing you can do.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

there's no such thing as "soulmate" or "eternal love". only your mother will love you deeply and forever. your gf will probably find someone else after you pass away.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hello guys , I really wanna know your opinions about something rarely discussed here , so i have this special relationship with my gf , we are basically soulmates , and she is literally the only person left for me in this world , the thing is , i know my death will break here into pieces , i don't know if she is going to be able to handle it after i'm gone , the idea of causing that much pain is the only thing preventing me of ending for good , but i had enough with life and i don't think i will be able to handle it anymore , how can i make it less painful for her ? Should I make her hate me before I do it ? Should I break up with her ?

I'm sorry to hear you're in pain brother and that your path has brought you to this point.
It sounds like your girl shines a light in the darkness for you and if it as you say, she will feel so much pain.
Would she understand if you talked to her about how you feel and your disposition?
Will some part of her blame herself if you CTB?
Maybe there is something you can do to help with the questions she's going to end up asking to give her the peace and closure that you too are seeking.

Good luck my brother, however it finds you, I hope that peace and love can shine on you too.

DBD

 

[lonleycrowdedwest]

Hello guys , I really wanna know your opinions about something rarely discussed here , so i have this special relationship with my gf , we are basically soulmates , and she is literally the only person left for me in this world , the thing is , i know my death will break here into pieces , i don't know if she is going to be able to handle it after i'm gone , the idea of causing that much pain is the only thing preventing me of ending for good , but i had enough with life and i don't think i will be able to handle it anymore , how can i make it less painful for her ? Should I make her hate me before I do it ? Should I break up with her ?

do everything you can to make het know its not her fault. Maybe buy her a gift and write a note to her afterwards detailing how much she meant to you and how it's not hear fault.

 

[olkf]

time will pass.

 

[lonleycrowdedwest]

The decision to end ones life is a very serious and consequential one. It is their choice and their choice only. As much as they are suffering its not our job to push them further, its only our place to speak to them clearly. You don't know his gf. You have no idea what she thinks.

Trying to push someone to suicide is counterproductive to the cause and can easiliy be used as fuel for the anti-choicers

 

[willitpass]

i have the same thing going on with my boyfriend. we have been together for over a year and i already put him through one attempt. however i had the same dilemma during my last attempt you have now and came to this decision:
breaking up with her will not cause her any sort of peace. that will cause her so much pain and confusion in the moment of "i thought things were going well? wtf why did he break up with me???" only to be followed by you killing yourself which will be a complete rollercoaster of emotions in and of itself. she will then realize you broke up with her *because* you were going to kill yourself and will feel like she should have done something, or be angry at you for it, but she will feel these emotions even if you don't break up with her before hand. breaking up with her will essentially elongate the process of grief and ultimately she will feel the same emotions, just after processing the fact that you broke up with her. she will be in pain or angry from the day you break up with her rather than starting the day you kill yourself.
that being said, write her a note, she may choose to read it, she may rip it to shreds, but give her the option. until then, love her to pieces. tell her you love her every chance you get. don't waste a single moment with her and give her wonderful memories that she will be able to look back on when you are gone

 

[Cheza_mus]

Don't break up with her and don't make her hate you..what I would advise you is if HV finally decided and made peace to ctb, then leave a note to her telling her the struggles you were going through and how it was not her fault..let her be happy for u with your decision

 

[Sans]

Congratulations. Maybe if I had a GF, I wouldn't want to off myself.

 

[miulake]

there's no such thing as "soulmate" or "eternal love". only your mother will love you deeply and forever. your gf will probably find someone else after you pass away.

Absolutely agree with you on this one. You should never try to make a "soulmate" out of your gf.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

quit or lose your job first

See if you feel the same way

 

[Susu]

there's no such thing as "soulmate" or "eternal love". only your mother will love you deeply and forever. your gf will probably find someone else after you pass away.

I think this is a blunt statement and not helping at all. It does not matter if one sees their gf or spouse as a soulmate. Fact is they're loving them deeply and therefore think about the consequences.
You mention the gf finding someone else as if it's a bad thing. If this was intended or not I can't say. When you are in a healthy relationship and you are the person who plans to leave you WANT your gf to find someone. You want them to be happy again. You are scared because you could be destroying their life and they end up like you. I can totally relate to OP. And statements like this are really careless and show no empathy.
Sorry if this comes off as rude but I had to say this.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

It's been 3 years since my bf ctb and I still can not look at his pictures without crying. We were not together long and not in love yet. I wish I could have moved on and found someone else but the damage is so profound. I became full blown suicidal after he ctb and that is how I found this site. And my mother does not love me. Some people will move on after a SO ctb but it will affect their life forever. I would weigh what challenges your SO is already dealing with. Does she have money, good job, good mental and physical health, money for therapy, a support system?

 

[VoidDesirer22]

It's been 3 years since my bf ctb and I still can not look at his pictures without crying. We were not together long and not in love yet. I wish I could have moved on and found someone else but the damage is so profound. I became full blown suicidal after he ctb and that is how I found this site. And my mother does not love me. Some people will move on after a SO ctb but it will affect their life forever. I would weigh what challenges your SO is already dealing with. Does she have money, good job, good mental and physical health, money for therapy, a support system?

When does one know they have crossed a threshold into being "in love". Crying at their pictures after 3 years seems like love to me. But wtf do I know.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

When does one know they have crossed a threshold into being "in love". Crying at their pictures after 3 years seems like love to me. But wtf do I know.

It's definitely the trauma I can't get over. But I am glad he is not suffering anymore.

 

[SofterSoftest]

Hello guys , I really wanna know your opinions about something rarely discussed here , so i have this special relationship with my gf , we are basically soulmates , and she is literally the only person left for me in this world , the thing is , i know my death will break here into pieces , i don't know if she is going to be able to handle it after i'm gone , the idea of causing that much pain is the only thing preventing me of ending for good , but i had enough with life and i don't think i will be able to handle it anymore , how can i make it less painful for her ? Should I make her hate me before I do it ? Should I break up with her ?

I know you're getting some advice to break up with your gf, but after reflecting on this problem a lot myself (I have a loving husband myself - someone I consider my soulmate), I really couldn't disagree more. If you break up with her, she will still care for you and love you, and will in all likelihood find out that you CTB. When she finds out that you CTB, if you broke up with her, she will inevitably blame herself, and at the same time feel inundated/traumatized by questions about what she did to push you away. I'm saying all of this because I'm pretty sure this is what my husband would do, and it hurts my heart when I think that I would do that to him.

I've been doing my best to subtly prepare my husband, even though I know he will still be devastated. In my country, it is going to become legal to pursue medical assistance in dying, and I've been telling him that I'm in so much pain with my mental health that I often think about pursuing the process. I've tried to broach this subject twice, and each time we have both cried and it's been really hard, but at least he knows I'm suffering, and I've explained to him multiple times that he is one of the only wonderful aspects of my life, and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt him.

If medical assistance in dying weren't in the process of becoming legalized, I would've gradually brought up feelings of CTB. In fact, I had done so a couple of years ago, and both times I did, I saw a therapist at his request. Those conversations, as hard as they were (and as much as I really didn't like seeing a therapist) allowed me to have an open conversation about with him to let him know that he was not even the slightest bit to blame for my pain - that he was so important to me and nothing but a source of boundless love and support. I think these messages are really important for our loved ones to hear, because I don't think saying it in a note (in my opinion) is enough. Having lost some important people in my life, I remember the beautiful moments where they convinced me of their love for me, rather than text messages (for example) in which they told me they loved me.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

It's a good point that breaking up with her means that she has to grieve the break up and then your suicide. I believe it would have helped me if my bf had been more open with me about how much he was suffering. He ctb after we had a nice couple of weeks together and I thought he was ok. He didn't want to burden me.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

It's a good point that breaking up with her means that she has to grieve the break up and then your suicide. I believe it would have helped me if my bf had been more open with me about how much he was suffering. He ctb after we had a nice couple of weeks together and I thought he was ok. He didn't want to burden me.

that's something along those lines of what I was going to say [to the original post of the thread].
@boldarnold be honest, tell the truth. I know the truth is painful sometimes, but usually people would rather know the truth and have you being honest with them, than hiding major things like having plans to CTB. I'm not saying that you're hiding, I'm just saying: be open and talk more, with calm, with rationality, and you should understand each other and find solutions together.

(...)I've been doing my best to subtly prepare my husband(...)

some thoughts coming from a guy: we, men, are sometimes bad with indirect communication, we can be bad at reading "signs", indirect cues etc... I feel like men tend to be more direct in the way they/we communicate. maybe consider telling the raw cold truth directly, one day. as this way, the chance of him not knowing what you meant to say and getting hit by surprise, gets drastically reduced.

(...) and she is literally the only person left for me in this world (...)

my relationship with my ex-girlfriend used to be like this, too: she was the only person for me, otherwise I'd be completely lonely and with no emotional support or connections.

one day she suddenly broke up with me.
initially I couldn't believe, it was so shocking.
as the days passed, though, I became more severely depressed than I ever was.
seven days after the breaking up, she officially had a new boyfriend - with public couple pictures on social media and all that stuff. I felt like I didn't know her;
or worse: that I can't ever really know a person.

three years later and I'm still traumatized by everything related to that experience, to the point that I never ever let myself fall in love with anyone again - so scared of being deeply hurt and so unsure about my worth.

anyways, the point is, I think that old saying has some truth: "don't put all your eggs in the same basket." - it's not wise. people are people and they are gonna do people's things.

 

[...]

this 100%. obviously u have ur own autonomy regardless but i think you can rest easier knowing they have stability in their life to recover. in my case not a gf but a recent ex; she has moved on/found someone else, deleted and thrown away all photos of me, has completely put that part of her life to one side already. she may not even learn of my ctb but should she, she would deal with it as best as anyone who could hear that horrible news would do. basically i'd say can u picture them rn handling a life with you completely absent in it? have you ever spent 1/2 weeks apart and during that time them not felt the need to call/message/think about you? that's what makes me rest easier about it. i know i won't ruin this person's life. at worst it might be an upsetting memory but not one that will change the trajectory of their life. my only worry is for my parents especially my mum. she'd never ctb but i worry her quality of life would be severely impacted.

It's been 3 years since my bf ctb and I still can not look at his pictures without crying. We were not together long and not in love yet. I wish I could have moved on and found someone else but the damage is so profound. I became full blown suicidal after he ctb and that is how I found this site. And my mother does not love me. Some people will move on after a SO ctb but it will affect their life forever. I would weigh what challenges your SO is already dealing with. Does she have money, good job, good mental and physical health, money for therapy, a support system?