Venting My friends are useless/talking about your problems doesn't help

[deadwithoutmusic]

I haven't been on here in awhile. For the most part since I got my SN I have tried to build up over a couple of weeks to try and take it and failed both times. I will most likely try again soon as I have been feeling quite terribly recently.

I have always had the smallest of hope to try and get through this. I tried therapy, it didn't work. I reached out to some close friends and found out when you need them most they almost seem to not even care. One friend when I told I wanted to ctb they helped me to get to therapy then proceeded to ghost me over the next couple of months. I guess they tried to help but couldn't even do the most basic of things to check up on me or even ask me how I was going. I confronted them about it and they pretty much said "it's scary and I have my own problems". Fair enough I guess so I need to actually ctb before people will pay attention. My response would have probably been, "I'm terrible and want to ctb", everytime if they checked up which is hard to even respond and I can't even blame then for not wanting to even have conversations with me when I'm just going to be depressing like that.

One other friend I reached out to pretty much did the same thing. Everytime I talked to them they just spouted the same shit of "it will get better" and then didn't talk to me or check up on me for days at a time when I made it very clear I want to ctb and could do it at anytime.

I got so mad at all this and how it felt like no one really gave a shit about me that I deleted all my social media and just went dark for a week. I didn't talk to anyone but my parents and refused to talk to my friends even when they tried to call or text me. I still haven't spoken to most of my friends and I'm not sure if I even want to. It makes me angry even thinking about the conversation of them saying the most stupid shit of, "I don't want to lose a friend", making it about themselves, "There's plenty of reasons to live", when maybe for them there is but there's also plenty of valid reasons not to that they can't even seem to fathom.

After going dark out of nowhere for a day one of my friends called the cops to my house thinking that would help or do anything, waking me up at 3am and me having to lie to them to get them out of my house. Makes me really question opening up to someone who is willing to call cops at the mention of suicide. I'm so paranoid to even mention suicide now in the fear of them calling the cops. As if the subject wasn't already taboo enough.

It has made me realise that all the talk of people saying "just reach out to someone and talk to them" is all just bullshit. No one, EVEN YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, don't want to spend the time to check up on you or to talk to you about your problems. I don't even gain anything from talking about my problems either. Through therapy or talking with friends I have gained nothing. Why do we perpetuate this myth of "if you talk about your problems and open up you will instantly feel better". I've realised this is so far from the truth. It doesn't even make sense. I would like to think that I am able to think for myself, and talking with someone else who doesn't understand me nearly as much as I do does nothing. It's not going to solve my problems and they just offer dumb advice that they copy paste from shitty mental health awareness programs and don't add anything.

end rant.

 

[Miss_Takes]

Sounds like a very lonely place to be right now. Loneliness is a killer.
I hope you keep reaching out here to vent or chat .

 

[WornOutLife]

"just reach out to someone and talk to them" is all just bullshit. No one, EVEN YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, don't want to spend the time to check up on you or to talk to you about your problems.

I second this so much! Neither my friends nor my family helped me out as they should. (Only my dad)

Still, people here are awesome and will "listen" to you. This is the only place in which I feel understood.

 

[Thin Chew]

Sometimes being quiet is just the best thing to do, don’t expect people to understand because they don’t and they won’t.

 

[deadwithoutmusic]

I second this so much! Neither my friends nor my family helped me out as they should. (Only my dad)

Still, people here are awesome and will "listen" to you. This is the only place in which I feel understood.

At the same time I can't really blame them because it is a lot to deal with. Therapists are trained for this shit and they still suck.

SS is really nice. I need to come here more often.

Sometimes being quiet is just the best thing to do, don’t expect people to understand because they don’t and they won’t.

I'm almost reaching out saying, I need help and if I don't get it I will probably ctb. I don't even know what help looks like or how to get out of this but they barely even try. They don't need to understand to try do they?

 

[Miss_Takes]

I second this so much! Neither my friends nor my family helped me out as they should. (Only my dad)

Still, people here are awesome and will "listen" to you. This is the only place in which I feel understood.

I often think it must be hard to be on the family/friends list ... scared of making anything worse or at least feeling powerless to make things better ... especially if they havent had any personal experience of how being 'here' feels.
I try to be very clear with friends what I do and dont need in regards to support ... some get it and others dont and it does feel disappointing to not feel heard or respected or needed when those are what I need most of all at the moment.
I still believe that people dont get it wrong through malice but rather through ignorance ... which is why I continue to have the gentle conversation with them despite their obvious discomfort and their challenges to my own thinking and behaviours.
Then of course I have a really bad day and theyre just a bunch of ******** lol until I remember why theyre my friends in the first place ... cos Im constantly a pain in my own arse let alone theirs.

 

[deadwithoutmusic]

I often think it must be hard to be on the family/friends list ... scared of making anything worse or at least feeling powerless to make things better ... especially if they havent had any personal experience of how being 'here' feels.
I try to be very clear with friends what I do and dont need in regards to support ... some get it and others dont and it does feel disappointing to not feel heard or respected or needed when those are what I need most of all at the moment.
I still believe that people dont get it wrong through malice but rather through ignorance ... which is why I continue to have the gentle conversation with them despite their obvious discomfort and their challenges to my own thinking and behaviours.
Then of course I have a really bad day and theyre just a bunch of ******** lol until I remember why theyre my friends in the first place ... cos Im constantly a pain in my own arse let alone theirs.

I have almost given up on them as any kind of help. I'm not gaining anything from them and I'm just being a burden. I don't see any reason to continue trying to open up and talking to people.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I have almost given up on them as any kind of help. I'm not gaining anything from them and I'm just being a burden. I don't see any reason to continue trying to open up and talking to people.

TBH I cant blame you. Its exhausting having to try so hard to help.people understand.
Praise be for a forum that is listening and can relate ... if not completely understand an individual experience ... and requires very little back.
I hope today you dont feel so alone.

 

[rabbithole]

Exactly...no one really cares, you feel like a burden for ranting/venting and it doesn’t help at all anyway.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear you experienced this. I too, had similar experiences too. To answer your question, I believe that most people who parrot these myths are the people who haven't experienced what we have or been truly suicidal before. Also, they are oftenly unthinking NPCs who don't question what society promotes or what the people with clout/power say. Your findings and rant is absolutely valid and spot on.

 

[Kim Dokja]

Not to defend your friends or anything, but that's because your friends have never had to dealt with suicidal thoughts. Otherwise they wouldn't be spewing bullshit like "it'll get better" and "I don't want to lose another friend" or "There's plenty of reasons to live". Most people who have had suicidal thoughts, or at least consistently, know that these words don't do jack shit to comfort other people. Even then, honestly, it's hard to have this conversation with people who aren't currently in that mindset. Hence why talking to people on this site and being openly vulnerable is so easy since we all know that everyone here is going through the mechanisms.

Personally, I find it better when I vent but usually only in spaces where I know people won't be judgmental. I understand suicide is already such a stigmatized topic in society. Once people get the idea that you're suicidal in their heads, "help" can be forced onto you in unwanted ways. They don't know how else to help. I know you referenced that you have a problem with their lack of effort, but non-suicidal people will always be afraid of adding fuel to the fire, so better to not say anything at all instead of making it worse. Do I agree with this way of thinking? No. But it's an explanation at the very least, and of course, it doesn't take away any fault of ghosting you in the first place, good intentions or not.

I myself have a history of having trouble asking for help and I'm still in total belief that nobody will be able to get me the help I need. They'll get me help, sure, but it won't be the type I want. So I understand your dilemma and even fear the circumstances you experienced. I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I hope this site's community will serve you well and just know that everyone here is always willing to lend an ear if you still want to try talking to people, even if we are all strangers at the end of the day.

 

[massiveblackhole]

you can never tell how friends/family will react so i keep it to myself now. i lost a good friend when i confided to him about my suicidal depression. he basically ghosted me havent heard from him since. other friends were similar, stopped inviting me to things. like geez guys thanks if i wasnt suicidal before your actions would make anyone go off the edge.

the only one who didnt run and flee was my bf. he's always been by my side. its hard cos he always wants "to do something to fix me" but i keep telling him i just need time and space when i get depressed theres nothing he can do. so eventually he'll probably get sick of me too and leave like everyone has in my life

 

[throughtheglass]

I'm sorry to hear that. :( People don't know how to react when you share your demons with them.

 

[massiveblackhole]

I'm sorry to hear that. :( People don't know how to react when you share your demons with them.

thanks. im glad i found this site its the only way i can talk to people without being judged.

 

[Bigpink]

I haven't been on here in awhile. For the most part since I got my SN I have tried to build up over a couple of weeks to try and take it and failed both times. I will most likely try again soon as I have been feeling quite terribly recently.

I have always had the smallest of hope to try and get through this. I tried therapy, it didn't work. I reached out to some close friends and found out when you need them most they almost seem to not even care. One friend when I told I wanted to ctb they helped me to get to therapy then proceeded to ghost me over the next couple of months. I guess they tried to help but couldn't even do the most basic of things to check up on me or even ask me how I was going. I confronted them about it and they pretty much said "it's scary and I have my own problems". Fair enough I guess so I need to actually ctb before people will pay attention. My response would have probably been, "I'm terrible and want to ctb", everytime if they checked up which is hard to even respond and I can't even blame then for not wanting to even have conversations with me when I'm just going to be depressing like that.

One other friend I reached out to pretty much did the same thing. Everytime I talked to them they just spouted the same shit of "it will get better" and then didn't talk to me or check up on me for days at a time when I made it very clear I want to ctb and could do it at anytime.

I got so mad at all this and how it felt like no one really gave a shit about me that I deleted all my social media and just went dark for a week. I didn't talk to anyone but my parents and refused to talk to my friends even when they tried to call or text me. I still haven't spoken to most of my friends and I'm not sure if I even want to. It makes me angry even thinking about the conversation of them saying the most stupid shit of, "I don't want to lose a friend", making it about themselves, "There's plenty of reasons to live", when maybe for them there is but there's also plenty of valid reasons not to that they can't even seem to fathom.

After going dark out of nowhere for a day one of my friends called the cops to my house thinking that would help or do anything, waking me up at 3am and me having to lie to them to get them out of my house. Makes me really question opening up to someone who is willing to call cops at the mention of suicide. I'm so paranoid to even mention suicide now in the fear of them calling the cops. As if the subject wasn't already taboo enough.

It has made me realise that all the talk of people saying "just reach out to someone and talk to them" is all just bullshit. No one, EVEN YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, don't want to spend the time to check up on you or to talk to you about your problems. I don't even gain anything from talking about my problems either. Through therapy or talking with friends I have gained nothing. Why do we perpetuate this myth of "if you talk about your problems and open up you will instantly feel better". I've realised this is so far from the truth. It doesn't even make sense. I would like to think that I am able to think for myself, and talking with someone else who doesn't understand me nearly as much as I do does nothing. It's not going to solve my problems and they just offer dumb advice that they copy paste from shitty mental health awareness programs and don't add anything.

end rant.

Sorry to hear it's so hard to for you, does depend who you're talking to, whether they're able or willing to be receptive, empathetic and compassionate.

 

[Merlay]

I haven't been on here in awhile. For the most part since I got my SN I have tried to build up over a couple of weeks to try and take it and failed both times. I will most likely try again soon as I have been feeling quite terribly recently.

I have always had the smallest of hope to try and get through this. I tried therapy, it didn't work. I reached out to some close friends and found out when you need them most they almost seem to not even care. One friend when I told I wanted to ctb they helped me to get to therapy then proceeded to ghost me over the next couple of months. I guess they tried to help but couldn't even do the most basic of things to check up on me or even ask me how I was going. I confronted them about it and they pretty much said "it's scary and I have my own problems". Fair enough I guess so I need to actually ctb before people will pay attention. My response would have probably been, "I'm terrible and want to ctb", everytime if they checked up which is hard to even respond and I can't even blame then for not wanting to even have conversations with me when I'm just going to be depressing like that.

One other friend I reached out to pretty much did the same thing. Everytime I talked to them they just spouted the same shit of "it will get better" and then didn't talk to me or check up on me for days at a time when I made it very clear I want to ctb and could do it at anytime.

I got so mad at all this and how it felt like no one really gave a shit about me that I deleted all my social media and just went dark for a week. I didn't talk to anyone but my parents and refused to talk to my friends even when they tried to call or text me. I still haven't spoken to most of my friends and I'm not sure if I even want to. It makes me angry even thinking about the conversation of them saying the most stupid shit of, "I don't want to lose a friend", making it about themselves, "There's plenty of reasons to live", when maybe for them there is but there's also plenty of valid reasons not to that they can't even seem to fathom.

After going dark out of nowhere for a day one of my friends called the cops to my house thinking that would help or do anything, waking me up at 3am and me having to lie to them to get them out of my house. Makes me really question opening up to someone who is willing to call cops at the mention of suicide. I'm so paranoid to even mention suicide now in the fear of them calling the cops. As if the subject wasn't already taboo enough.

It has made me realise that all the talk of people saying "just reach out to someone and talk to them" is all just bullshit. No one, EVEN YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, don't want to spend the time to check up on you or to talk to you about your problems. I don't even gain anything from talking about my problems either. Through therapy or talking with friends I have gained nothing. Why do we perpetuate this myth of "if you talk about your problems and open up you will instantly feel better". I've realised this is so far from the truth. It doesn't even make sense. I would like to think that I am able to think for myself, and talking with someone else who doesn't understand me nearly as much as I do does nothing. It's not going to solve my problems and they just offer dumb advice that they copy paste from shitty mental health awareness programs and don't add anything.

end rant.

I know, right!!! I have a history, too, of reaching and opening up to my best friends. I’ve destroyed the walls I’ve worked so hard to built and just let out the monster in me. “You can always talk to me.” “I am here to listen.” You can always tell these words to anyone, but it’s not easy to find a person who will truly listen and be able to hear you. There really are some people who can say those words but once you let the monster out, they can’t tame it. They can’t handle it, and worse, they don’t want to deal with it. It’s understandable why your friends act that way. But calling the cops on you? That’s just worst. They keep showing mental health awareness programs and suicide hotline numbers but those bullshit don’t really help at all to reduce the pain and suffering. Maybe to some those are helpful. People want to conceal and isolate us in a box because we are “too much” for them.

 

[torimandy]

Agreed. The only people with a real desire to help, never have the resourses to actually do anything. Even your closest friends don't really care because they weight the cost and time cost against the value of a friendship and most choose to stash the cash and ignore you or even worse report your intentions if you braodcasted them. We live in a shitty world full of people trained to be shitty.

 

[deadwithoutmusic]

I know, right!!! I have a history, too, of reaching and opening up to my best friends. I’ve destroyed the walls I’ve worked so hard to built and just let out the monster in me. “You can always talk to me.” “I am here to listen.” You can always tell these words to anyone, but it’s not easy to find a person who will truly listen and be able to hear you. There really are some people who can say those words but once you let the monster out, they can’t tame it. They can’t handle it, and worse, they don’t want to deal with it. It’s understandable why your friends act that way. But calling the cops on you? That’s just worst. They keep showing mental health awareness programs and suicide hotline numbers but those bullshit don’t really help at all to reduce the pain and suffering. Maybe to some those are helpful. People want to conceal and isolate us in a box because we are “too much” for them.

You said it really well. It's so easy to say "If you need anything, I'm here", but when you take them up on their offer and they realise this will be a whole lot of effort to handle they often can't do it. It's just a bunch of empty promises from people in the end.

Agreed. The only people with a real desire to help, never have the resourses to actually do anything. Even your closest friends don't really care because they weight the cost and time cost against the value of a friendship and most choose to stash the cash and ignore you or even worse report your intentions if you braodcasted them. We live in a shitty world full of people trained to be shitty.

In the end everyone is replaceable which is sad. When you're no longer worth anything to them they will just drop you.

 

[Nicebuddimtim]

I second this so much! Neither my friends nor my family helped me out as they should. (Only my dad)

Still, people here are awesome and will "listen" to you. This is the only place in which I feel understood.

My dad is the only person who listens and that pains me because obviously he's my dad I can't imagine how hard on him it all is

 

[mlmc045]

I agree completely! I’m really sorry your friends are so unsupportive and life has treated you so unfairly that you want to ctb. You’ve been trying so hard, and I hope you find your peace.

I just don’t bring anything up with my friends anymore and have distanced myself because all I get is basically ‘it makes me really sad hearing you talk like this’ or very pro-life bs (same with my family to be fair). I guess they feel scared and don’t know what the right thing to say is. Also, their brains work differently because they aren’t constantly thinking about dying, so they can’t really process or relate to what we’re going through, but I really would have loved the actual support of people around me. It feels like even the health professionals just don’t get it which is quite troubling.
I hope this community brings you a sense of comfort, which isn’t the same thing, but it helps me a lot. Feeling understood is nice. Sending lots of love❤️

 

[Miss_Takes]

My dad is the only person who listens and that pains me because obviously he's my dad I can't imagine how hard on him it all is

He's your dad and it should be part of the job description to listen to your kids.
Keep talking to him. As a parent myself I can only believe he would prefer you talked to him

I have you both in my thoughts today.