I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish and narcissistic for being upset about my friend trying to CTB. But I just feel so useless. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't help. And I know that it's her choice, but it still makes me feel so powerless and like I can't do anything. I can't even help my best friend for fucks sake. All I have done is make him worse. I have sent him into spirals, gave him extreme paranoia, made his OCD worse, made his catastrophizing worse, just made his mental health in general worse. He hasn't cried since he was 12, yet I made him cry with my horrible treatment of him. I can't even help my best friend. I don't deserve to be getting better like how I am right now.
And I feel like since I haven't tried to CTB I'm not really feeling this way when I know that is silly. I just want to do it so badly, but I don't want to tell him that since he already freaked out about my friend attempting. I know I should tell him, but I just can't right now. And I can't tell him that I want to relapse on my SH even though I'm the longest I've ever been clean. I feel so trapped. I feel so selfish.
And I feel like since I haven't tried to CTB I'm not really feeling this way when I know that is silly. I just want to do it so badly, but I don't want to tell him that since he already freaked out about my friend attempting. I know I should tell him, but I just can't right now. And I can't tell him that I want to relapse on my SH even though I'm the longest I've ever been clean. I feel so trapped. I feel so selfish.
