Venting My friend keeps finding out more and more of how just suicidal I am

[carnis-insanis]

I had a private account that I forgot my friend had access to, I wrote about wanting to kill myself and feeling worthless, he saw it and dmed me about it, i never felt more stressed in my life, thought he took it well, then we were on call and he made a joke about self harming in the past, to which i accidentally mentioned that i am currently self-harming, the conversation kinda got awkward and he said he doesnt like the topic but is willing to talk to me about it even tho hes not the best person to come to with that and i apologized right away
i feel really guilty, i was sort of negative in the call at times, tho it was in a joking matter
we were joking around and the he jokingly accused me of lying in a game, to which i replied "nooo when did i ever lie to yo" in a joking matter as well and then he said "when you said your problems arent important!" he was referencing an old conversation we once had, i never felt so guilty

I cried multiple times during our calls, though i dont think he knows 100% that i was crying, he always just asked me if i was okay and when i said why he was asking he just said "I heard youre sniffling" and i feel SO fucking bad

Im such a burden on him, i wanna kill myself to free him of me but id feel to guilty,what if hes not lying to me about him loving me and not being able to imagine himself without me in his life? I hate myself so much for doing this to him

 

[jodes2]

Aww don't feel bad. He's there for you, it's all good. It sounds like it's really ok to be yourself around him which is great