Venting My friend has CTB.

[amyrel]

My online friend has CTB, or atleast that's the only thing I can think as their last message was "Thank you for everything". I know the thing with online is that you can never be sure someone has actually disappeared, but even so the thought of never having a conversation again pains me so. I would like to think they are finally free and doing better, but it just hurts.

They played a big role during my darkest days, making me always feel better even if unintentionally. But it was the fact we always only had silly conversations, taking nothing seriously, that made me miscalculate myself as simply a "fun friend". When they were feeling down, I would joke, because I thought that's why they came specifically to me. Now I feel so so stupid for jever doing more. A few weeks ago they sent a vent and followed it up by explicitely asking me to not answer and talk about it. I did so and a few days after it was deleted. I hate myself for not atleast reaching out, even if it was about a different topic. I can't help but think that it's because of my inability to communicate properly, I wish I had replied to them faster. I wish I didn't have autism, anytime i try to socialize with people I just end up making them feel worse. Modt of my friends either disappear or attempt/go through with CTB. At some point you simply believe you should just isolate yourself, I don't want to hurt anybody else anymore. That is not and will never be my intention.

But yeah, I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Tonight I will simply keep weeping, but I am not sure I can keep living the next few days. Sorry if this was a bit confusing to read I can't really think right now but I had to get this out.

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

there was nothing confusing about what you wrote no worries.

I think one thing you're missing here is that despite how you feel you were the jester or just there for comedic value, your friend did in fact keep coming to you to talk. Because you brought them comfort when they were going through a tough time. You can't beat yourself up saying "I wish I would have done more". You were there for your friend as much as they allowed. There's a chance that if you would have replied to their venting with anything other than what you did they would have just pulled away. Sometimes people really just want to be able to vent in a space where they feel comfortable. You were that trusted friend for them.

I'm truly sorry this is something you're having to go through. Online friends can definitely end up being stronger than in person friendships. I hope your friend is in a better place. They're no longer hurting.

 

[amyrel]

there was nothing confusing about what you wrote no worries.

I think one thing you're missing here is that despite how you feel you were the jester or just there for comedic value, your friend did in fact keep coming to you to talk. Because you brought them comfort when they were going through a tough time. You can't beat yourself up saying "I wish I would have done more". You were there for your friend as much as they allowed. There's a chance that if you would have replied to their venting with anything other than what you did they would have just pulled away. Sometimes people really just want to be able to vent in a space where they feel comfortable. You were that trusted friend for them.

I'm truly sorry this is something you're having to go through. Online friends can definitely end up being stronger than in person friendships. I hope your friend is in a better place. They're no longer hurting.

Thank you a lot for this reply. I can't stop crying, but for tonight I'll just let it all out. Hearing that I was maybe a good friend after all made me feel a bit better, thank you. You're a kind person.

 

[-Link-]

there was nothing confusing about what you wrote no worries.

I think one thing you're missing here is that despite how you feel you were the jester or just there for comedic value, your friend did in fact keep coming to you to talk. Because you brought them comfort when they were going through a tough time. You can't beat yourself up saying "I wish I would have done more". You were there for your friend as much as they allowed. There's a chance that if you would have replied to their venting with anything other than what you did they would have just pulled away. Sometimes people really just want to be able to vent in a space where they feel comfortable. You were that trusted friend for them.

I'm truly sorry this is something you're having to go through. Online friends can definitely end up being stronger than in person friendships. I hope your friend is in a better place. They're no longer hurting.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

@amyrel I'm very sorry for your loss -- very sorry you're going through this and battling these feelings of guilt, and I hope you can find your way to truly seeing and believing the good that you did for your friend.