A friend helped me test out my Exit Bag and now I'm less inclined to CTB

[DeoxygenDaydream]

I've been planning on CTB for a couple months now, all my friends/housemates are aware of my intended method and my mostly complete kit, but only one friend knows that I actually got around to filling my tank with nitrogen. They've wanted to help me get myself together and not ctb and such, and I guess part of that was agreeing to help me test my exit bag.

What happened was, over the course of an hour, twice they watched me put the hood on and start the Nitrogen and pull me out the moment I stopped responding. It wasn't long at all, no more than 45 seconds each time. They told me about how I just stopped responding and how strange the look on my face was, and I told them about the feeling of starting to lose awareness followed by the strange dreamlike state of falling unconscious and fully unresponsive after ~30 seconds.

The feeling itself was surreal, it was rather a rather comfortable yet incoherent dreamlike state, I didn't feel much of anything after falling under it all. It was so easy to slip into the nitrogen atmosphere. I don't know if it's the ease of it all or just the View from Halfway Down itself, but having "practiced" using the bag and slipping into that activation state has left me not desiring my demise anymore. Maybe I'm just too easily rattled or something, but I'm more scared of the finality and more appreciative of this half of the bridge. Handling my newfound lust for life is weird after believing I would've been gone a few days ago or sooner for so long but like, that's life I guess.

 

[ilovenewyork]

Maybe that's what you needed to see. You could throw away the kit and live your life with the knowledge of what the end is like

 

[Bikishii]

Honestly, that sounds like just what the doctor ordered. You describe it as relatively peaceful, which I know is generally the case, but because the breathing reflex (can't think of the right word right now) is triggered by an increase in CO2 and not a lack of oxygen, how did it feel when you were slipping away? Not necessarily euphoric, but was there some kind of "narcotic" feeling to it? Or just like a light slipping away? Nitrogen has been my preferred method for a long time but I've always had CO on the back burner (ba dum tsh) if I can't get N2.

My rambling aside, it sounds like this was an overall good experience, it sounds like the unexpected outcome has really changed your way of thinking a lot, and it's great to know that you'll still be with us, at least for a little while longer. That sounds like a really nice and supporting friend who understands your feelings and respects your decisions to the point that they helped you actually test your method and be there to bring you back. I'm glad to hear it was a good experience overall, and I hope that peace/lust for life you describe stays with you for a long, long time.

 

[Into_The_Void33]

This is my preferred method. I'm unsure of how to go about getting everything necessary and how to set it up. I do not want to go out suffering. I wish someone could help me as far as step by step guide. I don't know where to start.

 

[Intoxicated]

but because the breathing reflex (can't think of the right word right now) is triggered by an increase in CO2 and not a lack of oxygen

A lack of oxygen can affect breathing too, but differently from an excess of CO₂:

Central and peripheral chemoreceptors, as well as mechanoreceptors in the lungs, convey neural and sensory input to the brain to help modulate respiratory drive. The respiratory center responds in return by changing its firing pattern to alter breathing rhythm and volume.

...
Peripheral chemoreceptors include the carotid and aortic bodies. The carotid bodies are located at the bifurcation of the common carotid arteries and send information to the respiratory center via cranial nerve IX, the glossopharyngeal nerve. The aortic bodies are situated within the aortic arch and send information to the brain via cranial nerve X, the vagus nerve. While capable of sensing carbon dioxide and hydrogen ions, the peripheral sensory system primarily detects low arterial oxygen levels (hypoxemia). Hypercapnia and acidosis increase the sensitivity of these sensors and, therefore, play a partial role in the receptor's function. The carotid bodies comprise approximately 15% of the total driving force of respiration. In healthy individuals, the respiratory center is more sensitive to rising carbon dioxide sensed by central chemoreceptors than decreasing oxygen levels. Oxygen runs the respiratory center only when there is severe hypoxemia.

...
As mentioned previously, the respiratory control center responds to altered levels of CO2 and O2 by changing the respiratory rate and pattern. Interestingly, the response to hypoxia differs from the response to hypercapnia. Hypoxia induces a breathing pattern of rapid and shallow breaths with a relatively higher increase in respiratory rate than tidal volume. The aim is to decrease the cost of breathing by avoiding the need to overcome the lungs' higher elastance at high volumes.

In simple terms, breathing with high tidal volumes requires more negative pressure generation in the intra-pleural space and, thus, more oxygen utilization by respiratory muscles, especially in an already hypoxic patient. In contrast, hypercapnia triggers a breathing pattern of deep and slow breaths with a relatively more significant increase in tidal volume than respiratory rate. This pattern aims to limit dead space ventilation and optimize carbon dioxide elimination.

Physiology, Respiratory Drive - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf