Hey, this is only my second post here and im in a very similar situation, just wanted to say that I hope things go better for you and welcome!
I can't live with my guilt either. If you knew what I had done in my worst moments, you would all hate me and judge me. I pray that Heaven is NOTHING like this earth. My time is coming soon. It may be sooner than I thought too. But we'll see. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself since it seems everything else is ok in your life. I find it impossible to forgive myself, so it's easier said than done.
Thank you , I just wish I can go back in time and change it. But it's not possible. I cant look in mirror , cant step out of house , cant do day to day basic activities like shaving , bathing. This guilt is so overwhelming, strange thing is that I never thought in my life I will be in this situation. I was a good son , husband , brother and father and now completely destroyed.
I used to think why ppl ctb and was never able to understand. Now I know the reason and understand their situation. I just wish I close my eyes and when I open I go back in time. Wish it was just a nightmare.
If I forgive myself I feel selfish , heartless and if I don't I can't live like this. Shall I become selfish , stone hearted or give my life for my morals. I dont know.
Sorry your going through this
Life is cruel and hard, decision making is cruel and too be in a state where you are at is horrible. I know this feeling all to well
If you can find it to forgive yourself it may be very uplifting and exactly what you need however it won't be easy. Other factors in your life seem good and I know your in pain but don't be impulsive to CTB.
When you say medicines are you on anti depressants?? A combination of them plus therapy can help with PTSD but combing all these things (weed booze drugs) suddenly especially when your new to them with low tolerance isn't good for the mind.
I hope you find the answers and healing your seeking
You are absolutely right. It was a wrong decision to be specific a medical decision. My decision which I thought was right at that moment proved to be wrong.
I keep on thinking now wish I would have sone aomething different , I could have , I should have. It's an endless chain of thoughts.
Yes , I want to make sure if I ctb I think from all perspective because it's a big decision. Yes am on prozac and also I ordered some rum and thc gummies.
Last couple of weeks I was taking all of them still was not able to sleep. My mind is hyper active. I took benadryl too. Still it's hard to shut it down .
Thank you for your words . Every word is comforting and helps me.
