My first thread: do I belong here?

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I can't see any future. Like I am already dead. Maybe that sounds trite, but last year I planned to kill myself and instead I destroyed all of my writing (I was a writer, nearly published). It was like thousands of pages. Gone. And I felt like I died. Is that dumb? Literally something happened to my brain when I did that. I can't write anymore and I wish I had not failed at the actual attempt(s) that happened later. I just can't see the future - like when I try to think about my future I literally have this block and my brain goes black. I have kids and friends and stuff - but it doesn't seem to matter.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

First of all, yes, you belong here. This is a community for anyone who is struggling. I hope you find support here like I have.

Second, I can empathize with you on some aspects of you situation. I used to be a music professor, but I lost my career a few years ago and have felt dead ever since. Not being able to create, for me, is akin to not being alive. I also wish I hadn't failed at my attempts, because I see no positive future for me.

Finally, I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Would you be willing to share more about what initiated your suicidal ideation?

 

[little helpers]

feeling dead cuz I can't do what I love/have a passion for anymore. that resonates with me on a very deep level. maybe there's ways to figure this out. for me, no. but at least I went with something else. not really a hobby but just something to get occupied with at the mean time. to reward myself a lil bit for doing shit. enjoying the music I play for myself.

I'm just gonna have to quote @D&D 's signature/flair thing on this one:

"write something, even if it's just a suicide note".

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

First of all, yes, you belong here. This is a community for anyone who is struggling. I hope you find support here like I have.

Second, I can empathize with you on some aspects of you situation. I used to be a music professor, but I lost my career a few years ago and have felt dead ever since. Not being able to create, for me, is akin to not being alive. I also wish I hadn't failed at my attempts, because I see no positive future for me.

Finally, I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Would you be willing to share more about what initiated your suicidal ideation?

I always had the thought that I wished I was dead. Even as a little kid. I really thought I would kill myself in college or sometime thereafter. I used to think, well if this goes poorly I can always die, but I kept finding reasons to prolong. I started the actual planning and attempting after my divorce because my ex made a new family for my kids (he is remarried; they are talking about having kids etc.) and so I feel like I can leave.

"write something, even if it's just a suicide note".

done this a couple times.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I can't see any future. Like I am already dead. Maybe that sounds trite, but last year I planned to kill myself and instead I destroyed all of my writing (I was a writer, nearly published). It was like thousands of pages. Gone. And I felt like I died. Is that dumb? Literally something happened to my brain when I did that. I can't write anymore and I wish I had not failed at the actual attempt(s) that happened later. I just can't see the future - like when I try to think about my future I literally have this block and my brain goes black. I have kids and friends and stuff - but it doesn't seem to matter.

You are most certainly welcome here. Only you can decide if you want to stay. There are no requirements for posting or anything else.

As a second wife to a man with kids, your kids still need you. A stepmom can never be the same, no matter what. I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you into staying alive on this earth. I just thought you should now from someone who has been in that type of situation.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

You are most certainly welcome here. Only you can decide if you want to stay. There are no requirements for posting or anything else.

As a second wife to a man with kids, your kids still need you. A stepmom can never be the same, no matter what. I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you into staying alive on this earth. I just thought you should now from someone who has been in that type of situation.

I get what you are saying but it doesn't change how I feel. The step in this situation doesn't even want to meet me cause I'm bipolar so I don't even know if she's a great person but maybe better than me as far as being a mother.

 

[Pluto]

I used to be a writer too so I can relate to that. Now I have so little to say that I'm socially awkward. It all just imploded one day.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I always had the thought that I wished I was dead. Even as a little kid. I really thought I would kill myself in college or sometime thereafter. I used to think, well if this goes poorly I can always die, but I kept finding reasons to prolong. I started the actual planning and attempting after my divorce because my ex made a new family for my kids (he is remarried; they are talking about having kids etc.) and so I feel like I can leave.

done this a couple times.

Yep, you found the right place. Welcome aboard.

 

[D&D]

As others have said - Welcome.

Most of us have found this place by chance and stayed (or not) by choice.

I, too, write, and some of my pieces have been published in literary mags. It did not make me doubt my writing abilities or will to live any less.

The quote under my user name @little helpers mentioned is attributed to Gore Vidal. Unfortunately, the space/word limit did not allow me to add his name. I believe it means that a sheer act of writing, any writing, including a suicide note, is/can be therapeutic in itself. I found that to be true but only up to a certain point. After that - every writer needs a reader.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot see any future for myself as well, I have never wanted to be alive. I can relate to feeling like I am already dead. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I was a writer. Not as prolific as I needed to be. But I stopped. Now it's just a void.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Welcome @Intelligent_Panic99

There's no "right" way to be in order to belong to this community. We're all very different and have come here due to different reasons.

I hope you will find the support and comfort you need here. I know I have.

Welcome :-)

 

[Dragon's Heart]

Not being able to create, for me, is akin to not being alive.

I think that maybe creativity is one of the essential elements of being human, no matter what form it takes. I struggle greatly with not being able to create. It is a need that should probably be included in the survival pyramid. If all of a person's needs are met, perhaps death would not be in our thoughts so much.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I always had the thought that I wished I was dead. Even as a little kid. I really thought I would kill myself in college or sometime thereafter. I used to think, well if this goes poorly I can always die, but I kept finding reasons to prolong. I started the actual planning and attempting after my divorce because my ex made a new family for my kids (he is remarried; they are talking about having kids etc.) and so I feel like I can leave.

This resonates so strongly with me. I didn't think about suicide until I was about 13 or so, but it's been almost constant since then. My first plan was at 19. I had bouts of serious depression and suicidal ideation again at 24, 28, 32, heightening at 36 (almost right on schedule it seems) when I lost everything and then discovered this site. I always had things in my life that made me feel that I go a little further - little goals or objectives that kept me going. When I lost those at 36, then I for sure knew there was no point and I've seriously wanted to end things since then. The trouble is, along the way, I created roadblocks for myself, like starting a family. Now, my decisions don't affect only me, and that's the hardest part to deal with.