My first post. Life story. Purpose in life.

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

Hello everyone. Just a small introduction. I'm a 25 y/o male. Life's a b*tch, and then you die. The end.

It feels very strange to write here because I am usually an extremely reserved person. Writing on this forum feels as if it is to step beyond the bounds of my isolationist life and my reserved nature. The main driving force that I'm writing here is because there currently isn't a video game at this present moment that's fun/exciting enough to where I could indulge in for the purpose of escaping my depression. If the game is very stimulating and enjoyable, all traces of my depression goes away just like that. Videos games have always been my absolute #1 coping method.

I have been escaping life for so long by playing video games. My face is so dry that my skin is flaky around my eyes. There are some red irritation marks on my face. I have to apply chap-stick on my lips, including all the area beneath my nose to make it feel moisturized. If I had to guess, I've been having to constantly do this for about... man, like 8 or so years by now...? Having to type that number just now made me realize all the years I've wasted.

My depression kicked in when I was around 15 or 16. I have always been a crazily addicted gamer since I was born, so that has never changed, but I used to be a very happy kid, and I miss that feeling so much... My future, and everything in life became irrelevant after my depression. When you have that mindset... you start to live your life as such.

So, that's what I did. My life plan was to just game all the days and nights away, until there would eventually be a critical point in my life where I would feel forced by my parents to make a drastic change or serious consequences will happen. Then I would take my own life to avoid that serious consequence. Getting a job changed that from happening, even a simple part time job.

I currently have a part time job that's currently at about 12 hours or so a week, and my parents are just glad that I'm actually doing something productive. I'm not living in constant fear like I used to when I had absolutely no job a couple years ago. I need those short hours because those short hours are something that I can tolerate at a given time with the current state of my depression.

Still depressed and suicidal. I want to leave and die, but there is one thing preventing that, and holding my life to a tether. Music. It's probably the best thing I have of any value that could save me. Listening to the music that I create... I know that I have something unique, even to say so far as knowing that I can be someone incredible in life if I just continued down this path. It is because I owe it to the ridiculous amount of effort and time that I spend writing music, so much to the point where it's so draining. I literally only keep about 1% or 2% (estimating, but probably very accurate) of what I write; everything else gets archived somewhere or deleted. Absolutely every note has to have it's purpose in being there, and all collectively sound a specific way that fully resonates with me. To me, writing music is an extremely delicate process where it requires all your heart, and to be genuinely satisfied with the results.

I now understand the words of what Socrates meant, that the meaning of the unexamined life is not worth living. No life in this world has any value unless they have a purpose. Once they have a purpose, life then has value. But what makes that life worth living matters all on you...how content are you with your purpose? We're all depressed here. We all have the mindset of everything or almost everything in our lives is irrelevant because we are ready to die, nothing will matter anymore, so then we start to live our life as such...

The thing is... life has no value unless we have purpose. So because we feel that our current life is meaningless and has no value, why not just get ready to throw our life away by making sacrifices and gambling our life towards that purpose so that we have a chance to be happy. The sadder you are, and the more that you've lost, then the more daring that you can be, and the greater your chances of living a fulfilling life. If achieving happiness and purpose is worth dying for, won't that make life worth living for as well...?

 

[Shining Angel]

That's crazy, I know exactly what you mean about video games masking and diminishing depression, that's always been a coping mechanism of mine as well, and I remember it was the very first thing that got me out of my very first ever depressive episode around 8th grade.

You're not that guitarist guy on YouTube with your musical talent, as indicated by your avatar are you?? He's really funny too, I enjoy his content.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

Do you ever get Post Game Depression? That shit's nasty... With me at least. I mean yeah, I'm already depressed, but it's like an even more aggressive depression.

You finish this amazing game, you really got into it, a great story that really hooked you in. And then the credits roll... Turn off the game, and then... Then what? I desperately wish I could go back into that world, I wish there was more. But it's over, and then reality kicks in. Ouch.

 

[Chalken]

Thanks for sharing your story. I used to enjoy playing video games, but now they are just a way to pass time. Anhedonia sucks. Though there are few games I'm looking forward to releasing. By the way, do you mind showing us your music?

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

That's crazy, I know exactly what you mean about video games masking and diminishing depression, that's always been a coping mechanism of mine as well, and I remember it was the very first thing that got me out of my very first ever depressive episode around 8th grade.

You're not that guitarist guy on YouTube with your musical talent, as indicated by your avatar are you?? He's really funny too, I enjoy his content.

Lmao nah, that's not me in my profile picture. I love watching his videos. He's hilarious. Kmac2021

 

[Shining Angel]

Thanks for sharing your story. I used to enjoy playing video games, but now they are just a way to pass time. Anhedonia sucks. Though there are few games I'm looking forward to releasing. By the way, do you mind showing us your music?

I second this, I'm a musician myself, I'd love to hear it!

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I can relate. My vice is not gaming but it sounds like you have become so addicted to that its "unhealthy" and unsustainable. I've been that way with____(fill in the blank many things). After doing some research I've figured out that the activity provides so much dopamine to the deficient brain (mine not yours, since I don't know you) that it becomes impossible to replace or live without it.

I just pray that you don't experience the final "crash" phase that I have been in for the past 4 years. Now nothing is able to fill in my blank. That's what brought me here to this site. I feel like an empty bag of rocks. Nothing excites me. Not even talking to people.

Why not explore that music? Imagine selling your first song? Imagine making money at your secondary passion and hearing it play on the radio? I would imagine that could certainly fill in your proverbial blank.

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

Do you ever get Post Game Depression? That shit's nasty... With me at least. I mean yeah, I'm already depressed, but it's like an even more aggressive depression.

You finish this amazing game, you really got into it, a great story that really hooked you in. And then the credits roll... Turn off the game, and then... Then what? I desperately wish I could go back into that world, I wish there was more. But it's over, and then reality kicks in. Ouch.

Yea, I get that feeling sometimes. That's why I game even more till I go to sleep lol. When you're having a lot of fun playing a certain game, your mind is too focused on the game, and you don't dwell on your depression. When bedtime arrives and you're sleeping, life becomes a void, feels like you don't exist when you're sleeping.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Hello everyone. Just a small introduction. I'm a 25 y/o male. Life's a b*tch, and then you die. The end.

It feels very strange to write here because I am usually an extremely reserved person. Writing on this forum feels as if it is to step beyond the bounds of my isolationist life and my reserved nature. The main driving force that I'm writing here is because there currently isn't a video game at this present moment that's fun/exciting enough to where I could indulge in for the purpose of escaping my depression. If the game is very stimulating and enjoyable, all traces of my depression goes away just like that. Videos games have always been my absolute #1 coping method.

I have been escaping life for so long by playing video games. My face is so dry that my skin is flaky around my eyes. There are some red irritation marks on my face. I have to apply chap-stick on my lips, including all the area beneath my nose to make it feel moisturized. If I had to guess, I've been having to constantly do this for about... man, like 8 or so years by now...? Having to type that number just now made me realize all the years I've wasted.

My depression kicked in when I was around 15 or 16. I have always been a crazily addicted gamer since I was born, so that has never changed, but I used to be a very happy kid, and I miss that feeling so much... My future, and everything in life became irrelevant after my depression. When you have that mindset... you start to live your life as such.

So, that's what I did. My life plan was to just game all the days and nights away, until there would eventually be a critical point in my life where I would feel forced by my parents to make a drastic change or serious consequences will happen. Then I would take my own life to avoid that serious consequence. Getting a job changed that from happening, even a simple part time job.

I currently have a part time job that's currently at about 12 hours or so a week, and my parents are just glad that I'm actually doing something productive. I'm not living in constant fear like I used to when I had absolutely no job a couple years ago. I need those short hours because those short hours are something that I can tolerate at a given time with the current state of my depression.

Still depressed and suicidal. I want to leave and die, but there is one thing preventing that, and holding my life to a tether. Music. It's probably the best thing I have of any value that could save me. Listening to the music that I create... I know that I have something unique, even to say so far as knowing that I can be someone incredible in life if I just continued down this path. It is because I owe it to the ridiculous amount of effort and time that I spend writing music, so much to the point where it's so draining. I literally only keep about 1% or 2% (estimating, but probably very accurate) of what I write; everything else gets archived somewhere or deleted. Absolutely every note has to have it's purpose in being there, and all collectively sound a specific way that fully resonates with me. To me, writing music is an extremely delicate process where it requires all your heart, and to be genuinely satisfied with the results.

I now understand the words of what Socrates meant, that the meaning of the unexamined life is not worth living. No life in this world has any value unless they have a purpose. Once they have a purpose, life then has value. But what makes that life worth living matters all on you...how content are you with your purpose? We're all depressed here. We all have the mindset of everything or almost everything in our lives is irrelevant because we are ready to die, nothing will matter anymore, so then we start to live our life as such...

The thing is... life has no value unless we have purpose. So because we feel that our current life is meaningless and has no value, why not just get ready to throw our life away by making sacrifices and gambling our life towards that purpose so that we have a chance to be happy. The sadder you are, and the more that you've lost, then the more daring that you can be, and the greater your chances of living a fulfilling life. If achieving happiness and purpose is worth dying for, won't that make life worth living for as well...?

Welcome to the forum. Have you thought about going to college to work on games?

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

Thanks for sharing your story. I used to enjoy playing video games, but now they are just a way to pass time. Anhedonia sucks. Though there are few games I'm looking forward to releasing. By the way, do you mind showing us your music?

I second this, I'm a musician myself, I'd love to hear it!

Lol shoot, I have an unlisted video on my youtube channel that I wrote in Guitar Pro 7. I used RSE (Real Sound Engine), to make it sound like an actual guitar instead of just a MIDI format. I currently don't feel comfortable showing it mainly because it's on my youtube channel, and I kinda want to keep my anonymity. I might upload on a secondary account actually. I have this scenario in my head that if I ever ever do become successful in life, and my music is recognizable, that it can possibly be traced to this forum website. Right now, this website is my shelter where I can be vulnerable, but I will definitely consider sharing.

I can relate. My vice is not gaming but it sounds like you have become so addicted to that its "unhealthy" and unsustainable. I've been that way with____(fill in the blank many things). After doing some research I've figured out that the activity provides so much dopamine to the deficient brain (mine not yours, since I don't know you) that it becomes impossible to replace or live without it.

I just pray that you don't experience the final "crash" phase that I have been in for the past 4 years. Now nothing is able to fill in my blank. That's what brought me here to this site. I feel like an empty bag of rocks. Nothing excites me. Not even talking to people.

Why not explore that music? Imagine selling your first song? Imagine making money at your secondary passion and hearing it play on the radio? I would imagine that could certainly fill in your proverbial blank.

Yea... games are just 100% pure enjoyment. Not even music beats my enjoyment of games. Even making music can be pretty stressful. You have to learn about all this tech and crap, go through trials and error, learning, fixing stuff, etc. The prospect of all that is overwhelming at the moment. I currently have an issue with my guitar or possibly electricity in my house? that I cannot seem to fix. I have tried many many solutions. That's what's halting my progress.

Welcome to the forum. Have you thought about going to college to work on games?

Thank you for the welcome. I enjoy playing games, that's it. However, making music for a game sounds really nice, but I must really personally like the game and it has to be something closer to my style if I'm to pour my energy into the project. Like Final Fantasy or whatever.

 

[Alan James]

I used video games as a means of avoiding unbearable reality for me. The worse I felt - the more I played, I was never treated by psychiatrists and I took no medication and found a way to use it as a treatment. I play 13-14 hours a day, my sleep is disturbed and my whole body hurts - the problem is that I feel so bad that it is hard for me to play or just sit at the computer, I had a splitting of consciousness, my personality collapsed and completely degraded, all my emotions disappeared completely (I no longer even feel anxiety and depression - just like as if i died). And the problem is that I have no money and I cann't buy new computer and equipment. But I am not upset because I spent almost all my life on games and Internet, but on the contrary - because I couldn't do this from childhood. I came to the conclusion that video games are better for me than reality, I still have nothing to lose once I am going to commit CTB. I had such a sick dream of living in virtual reality (if it were possible), I considered it an evolution, the future of the human species.

Do you ever get Post Game Depression? That shit's nasty... With me at least. I mean yeah, I'm already depressed, but it's like an even more aggressive depression.

You finish this amazing game, you really got into it, a great story that really hooked you in. And then the credits roll... Turn off the game, and then... Then what? I desperately wish I could go back into that world, I wish there was more. But it's over, and then reality kicks in. Ouch.

Yes, this is what I feel constantly! It happens that I have depression and I hate myself even more than usual due to the fact that I play some video games badly, because I have done something wrong. It also happens that I punished myself for spending the day not on video games but on something else, it may sound strange and funny, I wanted to even burn myself alive for that reason.

I also have some kind of autism spectrum disorder (the psychiatrist was unable to establish diagnosis more precisely, psychiatry is in a pitiful state everywhere - in third world countries it is a disaster) and I will plunge into games for too long a period of time. For example, I sat down to play GTA 5, played it every day - when I finished playing it, it turned out that 5 months had passed and I didn't even notice, it felt like 3 days (literally).

 

[lost_soul83]

I agree with the, "life sucks and then you die," part.

 

[Loli]

Thank you for sharing your story. Escapism is like a drug which made me hikki back in the past. Just out of curiosity- have you ever considered aiming for game dev industry?

 

[ExitTheDay]

Hey man, video games really help with my depression aswell but sometimes it's just too much to enjoy anything at all, not even music... I noticed I started to get depressed when I was 12 years old and it's been taking its toll then. If you've got a Ps4 I would really invest in getting the game Bloodborne or any Dark Souls games (if you dont have Ps4), they're very complicated and complex but that's what usually keeps my mind off stuff such as depression and anxiety, you can either delve in a medieval fantasy land where every creature is out to kill you (Dark Souls), or you can play as a courageous hunter in a 1800's gothic themed universe where humans have been cursed by the undead (Bloodborne)... whichever fits your criteria, personally I love both... Hopefully you can find a game out there that battles your demons just as much as you do, game on man

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

I used video games as a means of avoiding unbearable reality for me. The worse I felt - the more I played, I was never treated by psychiatrists and I took no medication and found a way to use it as a treatment. I play 13-14 hours a day, my sleep is disturbed and my whole body hurts - the problem is that I feel so bad that it is hard for me to play or just sit at the computer, I had a splitting of consciousness, my personality collapsed and completely degraded, all my emotions disappeared completely (I no longer even feel anxiety and depression - just like as if i died). And the problem is that I have no money and I cann't buy new computer and equipment. But I am not upset because I spent almost all my life on games and Internet, but on the contrary - because I couldn't do this from childhood. I came to the conclusion that video games are better for me than reality, I still have nothing to lose once I am going to commit CTB. I had such a sick dream of living in virtual reality (if it were possible), I considered it an evolution, the future of the human species.

Do you have a job? Even a part time job. I know working sucks, but having a part time job funded my gaming habits as well as other small things like ordering doordash, and buying gifts for my parents. Even if you are still gaming obsessively, at least you earned it with your work, so it kinda offsets that guilty feeling when you play.

Thank you for sharing your story. Escapism is like a drug which made me hikki back in the past. Just out of curiosity- have you ever considered aiming for game dev industry?

Hey there. Nah, I enjoy playing them, but it's not really something I want to do. Only thing that interests me the most is making music for games, but I spend a ridiculous amount of effort in writing music, so that may conflict with having to meet deadlines and such for the game's company.

Hey man, video games really help with my depression aswell but sometimes it's just too much to enjoy anything at all, not even music... I noticed I started to get depressed when I was 12 years old and it's been taking its toll then. If you've got a Ps4 I would really invest in getting the game Bloodborne or any Dark Souls games (if you dont have Ps4), they're very complicated and complex but that's what usually keeps my mind off stuff such as depression and anxiety, you can either delve in a medieval fantasy land where every creature is out to kill you (Dark Souls), or you can play as a courageous hunter in a 1800's gothic themed universe where humans have been cursed by the undead (Bloodborne)... whichever fits your criteria, personally I love both... Hopefully you can find a game out there that battles your demons just as much as you do, game on man

Bruh. I played Dark souls I, II, and III, including every single DLC. I even beat Sekiro: Shadow Dies Twice about a month back. Unfortunately, I haven't played Bloodborne because I'm a PC player lol but yea man, I played so many different games. A game usually has to be fast paced and very stimulating in order to take my mind off depression. I've been playing Mass Effect: Andromeda recently, and depression was kicking in because the singleplayer campaign is so boring. The game seriously felt like an mmo at times.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Do you have a job? Even a part time job. I know working sucks, but having a part time job funded my gaming habits as well as other small things like ordering doordash, and buying gifts for my parents. Even if you are still gaming obsessively, at least you earned it with your work, so it kinda offsets that guilty feeling when you play.



Hey there. Nah, I enjoy playing them, but it's not really something I want to do. Only thing that interests me the most is making music for games, but I spend a ridiculous amount of effort in writing music, so that may conflict with having to meet deadlines and such for the game's company.



Bruh. I played Dark souls I, II, and III, including every single DLC. I even beat Sekiro: Shadow Dies Twice about a month back. Unfortunately, I haven't played Bloodborne because I'm a PC player lol but yea man, I played so many different games. A game usually has to be fast paced and very stimulating in order to take my mind off depression. I've been playing Mass Effect: Andromeda recently, and depression was kicking in because the singleplayer campaign is so boring. The game seriously felt like an mmo at times.

Same here, beat all of the souls games and I'm about halfway done with Bloodborne, Sekiro is really fucking awesome but I haven't beat it yet cause lady butterfly is a bitch (lmao)

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

Same here, beat all of the souls games and I'm about halfway done with Bloodborne, Sekiro is really fucking awesome but I haven't beat it yet cause lady butterfly is a bitch (lmao)

Loool yea dude, you'll get her!

 

[spanishguy22]

"My depression kicked in when I was around 15 or 16. I have always been a crazily addicted gamer since I was born, so that has never changed, but I used to be a very happy kid, and I miss that feeling so much... My future, and everything in life became irrelevant after my depression. When you have that mindset... you start to live your life as such."

I could've typed the exact same words.
I relate to you pretty hard, I was a gamer but depression destroyed everything that I enjoyed. So I'm dead inside basically.

I remember that last feeling of happiness when buying Skyrim in 2011 A year later the feelings started fading. The good ones. And now I'm a shell.
All games feel empty to me now. Every game that comes out does nothing for me. Rdr2 GTA VI even if TES VI came out I would feel nothing.
As a kid I was literally drowning in joy playing GTA SA Pokemon and whatever game really, everything was great. Just normal.
Fuck this nightmare life.

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

"My depression kicked in when I was around 15 or 16. I have always been a crazily addicted gamer since I was born, so that has never changed, but I used to be a very happy kid, and I miss that feeling so much... My future, and everything in life became irrelevant after my depression. When you have that mindset... you start to live your life as such."

I could've typed the exact same words.
I relate to you pretty hard, I was a gamer but depression destroyed everything that I enjoyed. So I'm dead inside basically.

I remember that last feeling of happiness when buying Skyrim in 2011 A year later the feelings started fading. The good ones. And now I'm a shell.
All games feel empty to me now. Every game that comes out does nothing for me. Rdr2 GTA VI even if TES VI came out I would feel nothing.
As a kid I was literally drowning in joy playing GTA SA Pokemon and whatever game really, everything was great. Just normal.
Fuck this nightmare life.

Man, GTA SA was my sh*t. That game was so fun. I remember literally filling every garage in every property I bought with all those sports cars. 100%ing the game and crap. I remember playing pokemon on my gameboy in bed till I fell asleep. Back in middle school, I remember having so much energy from getting up very early just to play Runescape. These days, games are not as fun, and I'm a lot more pickier, but every game was amazing when I was little. I've been playing World War Z recently. It's hella fun actually, I would check it out. Fast paced co-op zombie horde shooter game very similar to Left 4 Dead. There's also different classes and skill trees if you fancy those things. It's very stimulating and fast paced. It made me divert all my focus towards the game when I played it instead of thinking about depression.

 

[spanishguy22]

Man, GTA SA was my sh*t. That game was so fun. I remember literally filling every garage in every property I bought with all those sports cars. 100%ing the game and crap. I remember playing pokemon on my gameboy in bed till I fell asleep. Back in middle school, I remember having so much energy from getting up very early just to play Runescape. These days, games are not as fun, and I'm a lot more pickier, but every game was amazing when I was little. I've been playing World War Z recently. It's hella fun actually, I would check it out. Fast paced co-op zombie horde shooter game very similar to Left 4 Dead. There's also different classes and skill trees if you fancy those things. It's very stimulating and fast paced. It made me divert all my focus towards the game when I played it instead of thinking about depression.

Yeah the days... Stealing the game boy to play at night... That was life. I didn't know it could get this bad.
Thanks for the suggestion mate, in my late depression years only competitive games were what keep a little interest but now that's gone too. I just cant enjoy anything. It's very deep. Thanks though.

 

[OmgDudeWhatNoWay]

Some people asked me to share my music, so here's an example. It's written on a music software program called Guitar Pro. The sound is in MIDI file format that emulates the instruments, but you should still be able to decipher what it should generally sound like. The video only shows the written lead guitar parts, but in the background is also a rhythm guitar playing, and sometimes a third guitar, so that they're all playing in harmony. Hope you enjoy it. It takes me a ton of effort to compose music because I really care what it sounds like.