My first post here (depression, solitude, suicide)

[Lauriso]

Greetings everyone. I'm new here and this is my first time posting.
I was relieved to finally stumble upon a site with legitimate information and sincere discussion.

I hope someone will reply to this. I am not entirely sure how this post will end up, but I will just pour my heart out. It might end up long and I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to read it.

I'm currently on the verge of ordering N from B. I have enough funds to do it but haven't sent the first email yet. How did I end up here?

I'm a 37 year old male from Europe. For the most part I've had a good life. I've travelled the world, loved girls, connected with people and had passion. From my early 20s I started getting interested in philosophical and spiritual questions, that has been one of the main topics in my life, and through the years has also caused a great deal of existential anxiety, but for the most part it was manageable.

But then about 2 years ago something broke. It started out of the blue as a new wave of anxiety which slowly morphed into depression. It's never been this bad, I wake up every morning wanting to die. I've been hospitalized, tried 3 different antidepressants, reconnecting with friends, travel, exercise, therapy, meditation, drugs, whatnot, yet nothing has helped. I feel utterly alone and hopeless. I can't find an emotional or an intellectual reason to continue living. I've always wanted to believe there is some from of afterlife but now I'm not so sure. Either way - if it's oblivion, it won't matter, if there's more, I'll find out.

There are still 3 things on my list to try - volunteering at a seaside music festival, volunteering at an animal shelter, and Ayahuasca ceremonies (not my first time). If none of those help me find purpose, joy, or a new perspective, I'll be one stop closer to ending it all.

Maybe to some of you who have suffered deep traumas my problems might seem trivial. But anyone who's experienced depression will know they're not. It's an all-consuming emptiness. I desperately want to find a way out but I'm losing faith with every failed attempt.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Hello. I don't have much to say in terms of assisting you with your plight, but just that I understand a lot of what you've said about the emptiness and the apathy, and here you will find people that at least get it.

Sounds like you've tried really hard to overcome, and I'm sorry it's not worked for you. I hope here you at least find a little space to be able to be honest, heard and seen, without minimisation.

Also just a little note… depression isn't selective about who it hits, and having "privilege" doesn't negate your experience or struggle. So don't worry about that here.

At the end of the day whatever our reasons we all walk that path alone and have to feel it, or not feel it, in the way we're wired to. So though it's not much, I hope you find peace however that can be attained.

 

[Yumeko.dreams]

And THIS is why you don't go to Europe.
In seriousness though, that sounds awful. I sacrificed my relative sanity to avoid depression, so I can't relate well; but truly I hope you get out of the fog. Through whichever means you decide.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I can relate to how you're feeling… I've had bouts of depression throughout my life and it really just ruins everything… I've had amazing opportunities come my way but I've sabotaged all of them seeing the world through a prism of hopelessness and helplessness… You seem to have a pretty good attitude however… And you still have things you're interested in and want to do… Perhaps they will be a way for you to find meaning and purpose… I hope so and wish you best of luck…

 

[Lauriso]

Hello. I don't have much to say in terms of assisting you with your plight, but just that I understand a lot of what you've said about the emptiness and the apathy, and here you will find people that at least get it.

Sounds like you've tried really hard to overcome, and I'm sorry it's not worked for you. I hope here you at least find a little space to be able to be honest, heard and seen, without minimisation.

Also just a little note… depression isn't selective about who it hits, and having "privilege" doesn't negate your experience or struggle. So don't worry about that here.

At the end of the day whatever our reasons we all walk that path alone and have to feel it, or not feel it, in the way we're wired to. So though it's not much, I hope you find peace however that can be attained.

Thank you for your kind words! You are right about depression not being selective, thanks for pointing that out. I will find peace, one way or another.

And THIS is why you don't go to Europe.
In seriousness though, that sounds awful. I sacrificed my relative sanity to avoid depression, so I can't relate well; but truly I hope you get out of the fog. Through whichever means you decide.

Thanks. It's so good not to be judged here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand the feeling of desperately wanting to leave and I'm sorry that you have had to go through failed attempts. Dying should certainly be easier. I see existence itself as being incredibly depressing, I could never want to live no matter what. To me, there really is no point to living, all that humans do is just distract themselves from the fact that they will die, life is just endless misery all for the sake of it. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[again_noidea]

It's an all-consuming emptiness.

do you know when that started, or how it began before it was all consuming? did it occur after taking some psychedelics? maybe it is a phase in your spiritual development

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

And antidepressants might be able to help you gain a little traction… I know they did for me… other problems with antidepressants but Could help you jumpstart feeling connected to the world and your life again… If you have not tried them… or found the right version

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Asking philosophical and spiritual questions is a very dangerous endeavor, so I can see why it broke you!

I was definitely joking, but the answers to those kinds of questions are rarely ever satisfying, unless you happen to be intellectually lazy and prefer to accept easy answers (which you definitely are not). When you're fully aware of the worst suffering that happens in the world on a regular basis, it does make you want to know if we're here for a reason or if there's a god that loves us and cares about us. It would be nice to know that all of this is worth it.

The problem is, most religious texts fail to live up to expectations when you analyze them honestly, without trying to force them to make sense when they don't, just because you want to believe in something so badly. Our own past abuse and trauma (or lack thereof) aside, it's a really crushing feeling when you try to make sense of everything and you end up with an even bigger pile of unanswered questions on top of the ones you failed to answer before.

Eventually the weight of all that comes crashing down on top of you like a house of cards and you end up buried (hence the depression). Perhaps the existential anxiety you felt before then, was simply the fear that the house of cards you tried to build wasn't as sturdy as it looked, but you might not have been aware of it (I'm speculating here, hope that's okay).

Hopefully the volunteer work you want to do helps you find hope, but even if it doesn't, at least you can feel good knowing that you tried to do good in the world before checking out. Wishing you the best whether you recover or choose suicide. If you do end up getting your N, just remember that you don't have to use it right away if you don't feel ready. Sometimes just having a peaceful method stashed away can be comforting.

 

[Lauriso]

I understand the feeling of desperately wanting to leave and I'm sorry that you have had to go through failed attempts. Dying should certainly be easier. I see existence itself as being incredibly depressing, I could never want to live no matter what. To me, there really is no point to living, all that humans do is just distract themselves from the fact that they will die, life is just endless misery all for the sake of it. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

I think existence has both sides of the suffering-happiness duality inherent in it. As I said, for the most part I've been happy. Happy about beauty in art and nature, happy about physical pleasures, happy about relationships with others, happy about the creative unpredictability of the future. And come to think of it, there are people who live their whole lives without experiencing depression, so although your feelings are valid and respectable, they are not the only objective viewpoint. What I'm trying to say is that I still have some lingering hope that I will rediscover that happiness. But I also won't judge myself if I don't and decide to quit.

do you know when that started, or how it began before it was all consuming? did it occur after taking some psychedelics? maybe it is a phase in your spiritual development

No, it didn't coincide with any psychedelic use. I've considered the spiritual development phase idea, but honestly it feels more like a spiritual dead-end.

Asking philosophical and spiritual questions is a very dangerous endeavor, so I can see why it broke you!

I was definitely joking, but the answers to those kinds of questions are rarely ever satisfying, unless you happen to be intellectually lazy and prefer to accept easy answers (which you definitely are not). When you're fully aware of the worst suffering that happens in the world on a regular basis, it does make you want to know if we're here for a reason or if there's a god that loves us and cares about us. It would be nice to know that all of this is worth it.

The problem is, most religious texts fail to live up to expectations when you analyze them honestly, without trying to force them to make sense when they don't, just because you want to believe in something so badly. Our own past abuse and trauma (or lack thereof) aside, it's a really crushing feeling when you try to make sense of everything and you end up with an even bigger pile of unanswered questions on top of the ones you failed to answer before.

Eventually the weight of all that comes crashing down on top of you like a house of cards and you end up buried (hence the depression). Perhaps the existential anxiety you felt before then, was simply the fear that the house of cards you tried to build wasn't as sturdy as it looked, but you might not have been aware of it (I'm speculating here, hope that's okay).

Hopefully the volunteer work you want to do helps you find hope, but even if it doesn't, at least you can feel good knowing that you tried to do good in the world before checking out. Wishing you the best whether you recover of choose suicide. If you do end up getting your N, just remember that you don't have to use it right away if you don't feel ready. Sometimes just having a peaceful method stashed away can be comforting.

I actually seriously think those questions can be dangerous. You know that saying about the abyss staring back at you. When you hit the limits of what your reason can comprehend and feel freaked to the roots of your being, wishing those thoughts had never come into your mind.

I have prayed and prayed to any god who might listen over the years but found zero evidence of any such entity existing :(.

Your speculation sounds probable. I've always wanted to believe all of this, including suffering, is not in vein. Now I'm slowly losing that hope. The last therapist I saw said depression can be a defense mechanism against anxiety. You just shut down in order not to feel the unbearable.

Yes indeed, thank you for the last paragraph. This is the first time in my life I don't feel judged for my suicidal ideation. It's quite a relief, I feel respected and legitimized.

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

Yes, yes I know your pain dear brother of the Void. In addition to many other things, I have had existential despair for some years now, went into the deep end of philosophy, and logically concluded that promortalism/efilism is the most rational choice that I can see for any and all sentient organisms to make at any given time. Life is a tragedy, a carnival of gore at worst, and a zero-sum game at best where no one gets out alive. There is no logical reason I can see to remain alive. Which is telling of why so many people are idiots because idiot genes are more conducive to self-replication than intelligent/empath genes. We live in a world run by mindless pro-lifer dogmatic zombies, with our kind scattered few and far between in places such as this forum. Suicide is a philosophical and spiritual journey most certainly. I have mostly made my peace with the inevitable end that will befall shortly, and I hope that you will also be able to find peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[koweday]

Greetings everyone. I'm new here and this is my first time posting.
I was relieved to finally stumble upon a site with legitimate information and sincere discussion.

I hope someone will reply to this. I am not entirely sure how this post will end up, but I will just pour my heart out. It might end up long and I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to read it.

I'm currently on the verge of ordering N from B. I have enough funds to do it but haven't sent the first email yet. How did I end up here?

I'm a 37 year old male from Europe. For the most part I've had a good life. I've travelled the world, loved girls, connected with people and had passion. From my early 20s I started getting interested in philosophical and spiritual questions, that has been one of the main topics in my life, and through the years has also caused a great deal of existential anxiety, but for the most part it was manageable.

But then about 2 years ago something broke. It started out of the blue as a new wave of anxiety which slowly morphed into depression. It's never been this bad, I wake up every morning wanting to die. I've been hospitalized, tried 3 different antidepressants, reconnecting with friends, travel, exercise, therapy, meditation, drugs, whatnot, yet nothing has helped. I feel utterly alone and hopeless. I can't find an emotional or an intellectual reason to continue living. I've always wanted to believe there is some from of afterlife but now I'm not so sure. Either way - if it's oblivion, it won't matter, if there's more, I'll find out.

There are still 3 things on my list to try - volunteering at a seaside music festival, volunteering at an animal shelter, and Ayahuasca ceremonies (not my first time). If none of those help me find purpose, joy, or a new perspective, I'll be one stop closer to ending it all.

Maybe to some of you who have suffered deep traumas my problems might seem trivial. But anyone who's experienced depression will know they're not. It's an all-consuming emptiness. I desperately want to find a way out but I'm losing faith with every failed attempt.

Hello new friend, thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad to hear you want to try volunteer work before making a decision. I did the same thing and volunteer work has now turned into the only thing that keeps me around. Volunteering led me to wonderful pets that give me a sense of purpose, and I also volunteer with veterans and senior citizens through the VA and Meals on Wheels. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, and still think I will ctb one day, but I know I wouldn't have made it this far without these outlets. I hope volunteering has a positive effect for you as well; please keep us up to date

 

[Hope:-)]

I can't relate to that kind of depression. My depression has always been situational. Are you sure there was no kind of situation that precipitated it? Perhaps if you could figure out if there was a reason behind it, it would be easier to handle. Either way I'm really sorry you feel like this.x

 

[Lauriso]

Hello new friend, thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad to hear you want to try volunteer work before making a decision. I did the same thing and volunteer work has now turned into the only thing that keeps me around. Volunteering led me to wonderful pets that give me a sense of purpose, and I also volunteer with veterans and senior citizens through the VA and Meals on Wheels. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, and still think I will ctb one day, but I know I wouldn't have made it this far without these outlets. I hope volunteering has a positive effect for you as well; please keep us up to date

Thanks for your response! Made me smile :). I'm glad we can be honest about still wanting to CTB one day even while doing our best while still here.

I can't relate to that kind of depression. My depression has always been situational. Are you sure there was no kind of situation that precipitated it? Perhaps if you could figure out if there was a reason behind it, it would be easier to handle. Either way I'm really sorry you feel like this.x

Thanks for your sympathy. No, there really was nothing situational. I'm quite an introspective person so I believe I would have noticed if that was the case. Although, now that I ponder this, the progressive isolation might have played a role. For a reason I can't discern I just grew more and more lonely along with depression worsening. Was I getting depressed because of loneliness, or was I losing connection and desire to connect because of depression? I don't know.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Welcome! Though sorry to see you have found yourself here. I've spent a lot of time on spiritual questions too-tbh it's been a waste of time. Just sat pondering life and never doing much...although sounds like you have done quite a bit with life so that's good. Had a couple of psychedelic experiences and didn't really like them. I've been having a bit of an existential crisis this year, it's horrible. I wish I didn't think so much about these things-other people don't they just get on with life and it never troubles them.

It's good you still want to try things and you have goals, I hope you can find fulfilment in them.

 

[Lauriso]

Today I got banned from both depression and suicide watch subreddits for making one comment that I'll respect whatever decision the person makes. God bless this website for existing.

I also realized I feel so happy in dreams. And that makes awakening to immediate despair more painful. Mostly I dream of connection and girls (nothing sexual, just subtle affection and romance), but in the last episode this morning just before waking I was just sorting shampoo bottles and feeling happy. Then I awoke and was like "noooo give me back my shampoo bottles!"