Spades
he/him
- Jul 7, 2023
- 45
/// this is kind of all over the place sorry, it's very painful for me to write about past hospitalizations so this might be a bit incoherent and jump from topic to topic, and back again to a previous topic!
/// it also takes a bit for me to get into my first actual hospitalization, sorry for that too! I just need to vent abt psych wards rn and how horrible police treat you on the way over there bc I was almost hospitalized today and I needed to get this all off my chest at some point
I've only ever been to children and teen psych wards, so I'm honestly unsure if adult wards are any better due to the fact that it's a lot more difficult to get away with abusing an adult in comparison to a child who in the US-
-are seen more as property than as actual human beings and have less rights than adults do even in such an environment where you'll be dehumanized either way.
Regardless, here's my experiences with psych wards. I'll preface this by stating outright that they've done nothing but cause me harm and the abuse I saw and went through during my many stays have forever scarred me both mentally and physically.
To be blunt, I don't know if I'd be browsing this forum right now if it weren't for the trauma these places burned into me. I likely would still be here at some point due to the nature of my brain and the unfortunate ineffectiveness of medications in my specific case. (I know they work wonders for many, I just happen to be comically unlucky in that department)
But I think I'd still be here typing this, just at 26 instead of 18 as I'm doing right now. Hospitalization just forced me to the edge sooner than I would have been otherwise.
Right, sorry, I know I got off topic but I felt that bit of explanation necessary in the context of my hospitalizations over the years.
I was 9 years old when I was hospitalized for the first time, but I was 7 years old when I was grabbed, restrained, and covered in bruises by paramedics after my teacher called in to get me hospitalized due to self harm.
(The self harm in question was stabbing the side of my neck repeatedly until I bled with a pencil as I screamed and cried about how I wished I were a miscarriage)
I had just learned what a miscarriage was a day prior to that when my mother mistakenly called me her "miracle baby." I don't remember what she said before that or even what we were talking about, I just remember that and shouting about it the next day.
Anyway, being like 7 years old, I thought these people were trying to kidnap me bc no one thought to explain what was going on to this already scared and suicidal child. So I obviously fought and kicked, hence the bruises.
While this was a horrifically traumatizing experience, the one good thing I could gleam about this horrible experience was being temporarily spared from the full, and true horrors of child psych wards due to the hospital not having any beds available for me.
There could have been another reason I wasn't admitted, but I honestly don't remember much and the mere act of trying to recall those memories is very painful so I'd rather not remember more than what's needed to type this.
Moving back to my first actual hospitalization at 9, I did the pencil thing again but I didn't draw blood this time around.
It was basically the same thing as last time, but instead of getting assaulted by paramedics, I got my shit wrecked by cops.
This is also where I learned that the people in my life will always choose to side with authority and will gleefully take any opportunity to justify systematic abuse if it means they don't have to think about how fleeting their status is as "one of the good ones."
"You should have complied, they wouldn't have had to do that to you if you did."
As if that justifies them slamming me into the ground twice when they could have done so once, or better yet, not at all! I was a lanky 9 year old girl at the time, that kind of force could have killed me if they did so with more spite.
Sure, I was told that the cop got in trouble for brutalizing me, but he only got a slap on the wrist! He's still hired to this day and probably still beating the shit out of the mentally ill almost a decade later!
I bring this all up because police brutality is just another key aspect when discussing psych wards and their lack of benefits even though this abuse takes place prior to the other fucked up shit.
And if there's one thing you take from this, it's that cops will beat the everloving shit out of anyone, and I mean ANYONE including small children (ESPECIALLY if they're brown or non-white) at the first sign of resistance.
You so much as make a sudden movement and they will perceive it as a threat, so please be cautious when dealing with them if someone has called the cops on you!
But just know if you are beaten by them, it was not your fault and please don't let anyone convince you otherwise,, sometimes a cop is in a bad mood and no amount of caution could have saved you from the relentless force of their cruelty.
Now onto my actual stay at the psych ward;
So I get there and I'm absolutely terrified, bleeding from scrapes I got from being slammed onto uneven concrete repeatedly, covered in bruises from head to toe, and bawling my eyes out because I was in excruciating pain.
Here's a rundown of things that happened while I was there (TW for CSA)
I spent most of my time there drawing, talking with my other inmates, being talked down to and made fun of by nurses for things I don't remember, being hit and spit on by those same nurses for more things that I also don't remember clearly,
and witnessing a psychiatrist r*pe my roommate and later being held down and drugged after I ran down the hall screaming for help, repeating over and over again that he's hurting her, she's bleeding, etc.
I still want to cry thinking about it. I tried telling anyone I could including my mom after the fact, but no one "important" believed me.
My mom reported it, but I guess nothing ever came of it.. Her word as well as my own meant nothing to an institution so rich it could own us all.
It hurts so fucking much to think about bc I went through that kind of abuse too, but by a family member at a much younger age. I never told anyone about what happened to me at the time, which I guess factored into no one believing me here.
I don't know, but I know it's partially my fault for being so useless.
I couldn't speak a coherent sentence if my life depended on it and I was likely screaming in what sounded like gibberish bc I was so scared of someone else having to go through what I had just years prior.
My own sa was still fresh in my mind and yet it's like they expected me to keep my composure and calmly tell someone what was going on at fucking 9 years old?!?
And no one cared, because I was hysterical, unreliable, a child, and above all else, mentally ill.
And my personhood as a mentally ill individual has and will always be, mere suggestion, never will it be a right set in stone as it should.
So long as psych wards and the many systems and institutions that enable/perpetuate that kind of abuse exist, we will never be considered people under the "law" and our words will be twisted and used against us for as long as we are alive.
I don't think I can explain all my hospitalizations in detail, I feel too sick to do so and quite frankly, I'm tired and I'd probably vomit if I did.
I'm open to the idea that I was simply unlucky with where I ended up staying,,
But don't you find it at least a liiittle strange that nearly all the wards I've been placed in had numerous lawsuits, and sometimes even ongoing investigations against them for abuse, and yet were STILL allowed to take in more patients??
I guess that's the power of insurance money ahahaha!!! There are no consequences for the rich!! LMAO! Haha! Works as intended :,]]]]
EAT THE RICH
I'll end this off by saying this,
Psych wards are glorified prisons and they serve the same purpose of profit over rehabilitation much like the prison industrial complex.
They aren't meant to help you, they're meant to be so painful and isolating so you never want to come back again. Ask any nurse this and they will confirm this to be the case, hell, sometimes they'll state this outright even without being prompted.
This line of thinking is flawed because deterrence does not work in the case of both crime and mental illness because it fails to address the underlying causes of said issues!!
And if the underlying cause still remains, no amount of anything short of luck will keep that person out of a psych ward or a prison!! It's such a childish way to view the world..
How nurses, police officers, and even the average person fail to comprehend something so simple and easy that I, someone who has only been an adult for a half a year, speaks volumes to the failure of the American education system and this is all coming from a highschool dropout of all things!
(Which you likely surmised due to how blatantly horrible my punctuation is, the sheer volume of run on sentences written here, and just generally by the way I speak/word things, it's obvious lol)
I'm not even smart, I'm really fucking stupid! I just happen to have a cool lil device in my ass pocket that grants me access to numerous studies,
and detailed critiques of our systems that when combined, help me better understand the world around me and form my own conclusions separate from the things I've read/studied.
That's all you need to avoid being a grossly ignorant thing that blindly justifies systematic oppression and abuse really!
Or you know, use your fucking eyes for once yeah? Istg I hate the people in my life for making me feel like the abuse I saw and experienced in psych wards was my fault for being there in the first place… it makes me fucking sick!!
Psych wards make me fucking sick.. everything about it just makes me feel so helpless,,
Like it's an inescapable void that sucks us dry and leaves us all to rot as empty husks that are too frail to ever truly thrive.
We're forced into living on the very cusp of life and death because killing us outright would deprive it of its core sustenance.
And you know what?
It would be nice to not be dehumanized for once, but I learned the hard way that's apparently too much to ask!
I've been told that if something happens enough times, you'll eventually get used to it, but I don't think I can and that's why I'm here right now, on this forum typing this all out.
/// it also takes a bit for me to get into my first actual hospitalization, sorry for that too! I just need to vent abt psych wards rn and how horrible police treat you on the way over there bc I was almost hospitalized today and I needed to get this all off my chest at some point
I've only ever been to children and teen psych wards, so I'm honestly unsure if adult wards are any better due to the fact that it's a lot more difficult to get away with abusing an adult in comparison to a child who in the US-
-are seen more as property than as actual human beings and have less rights than adults do even in such an environment where you'll be dehumanized either way.
Regardless, here's my experiences with psych wards. I'll preface this by stating outright that they've done nothing but cause me harm and the abuse I saw and went through during my many stays have forever scarred me both mentally and physically.
To be blunt, I don't know if I'd be browsing this forum right now if it weren't for the trauma these places burned into me. I likely would still be here at some point due to the nature of my brain and the unfortunate ineffectiveness of medications in my specific case. (I know they work wonders for many, I just happen to be comically unlucky in that department)
But I think I'd still be here typing this, just at 26 instead of 18 as I'm doing right now. Hospitalization just forced me to the edge sooner than I would have been otherwise.
Right, sorry, I know I got off topic but I felt that bit of explanation necessary in the context of my hospitalizations over the years.
I was 9 years old when I was hospitalized for the first time, but I was 7 years old when I was grabbed, restrained, and covered in bruises by paramedics after my teacher called in to get me hospitalized due to self harm.
(The self harm in question was stabbing the side of my neck repeatedly until I bled with a pencil as I screamed and cried about how I wished I were a miscarriage)
I had just learned what a miscarriage was a day prior to that when my mother mistakenly called me her "miracle baby." I don't remember what she said before that or even what we were talking about, I just remember that and shouting about it the next day.
Anyway, being like 7 years old, I thought these people were trying to kidnap me bc no one thought to explain what was going on to this already scared and suicidal child. So I obviously fought and kicked, hence the bruises.
While this was a horrifically traumatizing experience, the one good thing I could gleam about this horrible experience was being temporarily spared from the full, and true horrors of child psych wards due to the hospital not having any beds available for me.
There could have been another reason I wasn't admitted, but I honestly don't remember much and the mere act of trying to recall those memories is very painful so I'd rather not remember more than what's needed to type this.
Moving back to my first actual hospitalization at 9, I did the pencil thing again but I didn't draw blood this time around.
It was basically the same thing as last time, but instead of getting assaulted by paramedics, I got my shit wrecked by cops.
This is also where I learned that the people in my life will always choose to side with authority and will gleefully take any opportunity to justify systematic abuse if it means they don't have to think about how fleeting their status is as "one of the good ones."
"You should have complied, they wouldn't have had to do that to you if you did."
As if that justifies them slamming me into the ground twice when they could have done so once, or better yet, not at all! I was a lanky 9 year old girl at the time, that kind of force could have killed me if they did so with more spite.
Sure, I was told that the cop got in trouble for brutalizing me, but he only got a slap on the wrist! He's still hired to this day and probably still beating the shit out of the mentally ill almost a decade later!
I bring this all up because police brutality is just another key aspect when discussing psych wards and their lack of benefits even though this abuse takes place prior to the other fucked up shit.
And if there's one thing you take from this, it's that cops will beat the everloving shit out of anyone, and I mean ANYONE including small children (ESPECIALLY if they're brown or non-white) at the first sign of resistance.
You so much as make a sudden movement and they will perceive it as a threat, so please be cautious when dealing with them if someone has called the cops on you!
But just know if you are beaten by them, it was not your fault and please don't let anyone convince you otherwise,, sometimes a cop is in a bad mood and no amount of caution could have saved you from the relentless force of their cruelty.
Now onto my actual stay at the psych ward;
So I get there and I'm absolutely terrified, bleeding from scrapes I got from being slammed onto uneven concrete repeatedly, covered in bruises from head to toe, and bawling my eyes out because I was in excruciating pain.
Here's a rundown of things that happened while I was there (TW for CSA)
I spent most of my time there drawing, talking with my other inmates, being talked down to and made fun of by nurses for things I don't remember, being hit and spit on by those same nurses for more things that I also don't remember clearly,
and witnessing a psychiatrist r*pe my roommate and later being held down and drugged after I ran down the hall screaming for help, repeating over and over again that he's hurting her, she's bleeding, etc.
I still want to cry thinking about it. I tried telling anyone I could including my mom after the fact, but no one "important" believed me.
My mom reported it, but I guess nothing ever came of it.. Her word as well as my own meant nothing to an institution so rich it could own us all.
It hurts so fucking much to think about bc I went through that kind of abuse too, but by a family member at a much younger age. I never told anyone about what happened to me at the time, which I guess factored into no one believing me here.
I don't know, but I know it's partially my fault for being so useless.
I couldn't speak a coherent sentence if my life depended on it and I was likely screaming in what sounded like gibberish bc I was so scared of someone else having to go through what I had just years prior.
My own sa was still fresh in my mind and yet it's like they expected me to keep my composure and calmly tell someone what was going on at fucking 9 years old?!?
And no one cared, because I was hysterical, unreliable, a child, and above all else, mentally ill.
And my personhood as a mentally ill individual has and will always be, mere suggestion, never will it be a right set in stone as it should.
So long as psych wards and the many systems and institutions that enable/perpetuate that kind of abuse exist, we will never be considered people under the "law" and our words will be twisted and used against us for as long as we are alive.
I don't think I can explain all my hospitalizations in detail, I feel too sick to do so and quite frankly, I'm tired and I'd probably vomit if I did.
I'm open to the idea that I was simply unlucky with where I ended up staying,,
But don't you find it at least a liiittle strange that nearly all the wards I've been placed in had numerous lawsuits, and sometimes even ongoing investigations against them for abuse, and yet were STILL allowed to take in more patients??
I guess that's the power of insurance money ahahaha!!! There are no consequences for the rich!! LMAO! Haha! Works as intended :,]]]]
EAT THE RICH
I'll end this off by saying this,
Psych wards are glorified prisons and they serve the same purpose of profit over rehabilitation much like the prison industrial complex.
They aren't meant to help you, they're meant to be so painful and isolating so you never want to come back again. Ask any nurse this and they will confirm this to be the case, hell, sometimes they'll state this outright even without being prompted.
This line of thinking is flawed because deterrence does not work in the case of both crime and mental illness because it fails to address the underlying causes of said issues!!
And if the underlying cause still remains, no amount of anything short of luck will keep that person out of a psych ward or a prison!! It's such a childish way to view the world..
How nurses, police officers, and even the average person fail to comprehend something so simple and easy that I, someone who has only been an adult for a half a year, speaks volumes to the failure of the American education system and this is all coming from a highschool dropout of all things!
(Which you likely surmised due to how blatantly horrible my punctuation is, the sheer volume of run on sentences written here, and just generally by the way I speak/word things, it's obvious lol)
I'm not even smart, I'm really fucking stupid! I just happen to have a cool lil device in my ass pocket that grants me access to numerous studies,
and detailed critiques of our systems that when combined, help me better understand the world around me and form my own conclusions separate from the things I've read/studied.
That's all you need to avoid being a grossly ignorant thing that blindly justifies systematic oppression and abuse really!
Or you know, use your fucking eyes for once yeah? Istg I hate the people in my life for making me feel like the abuse I saw and experienced in psych wards was my fault for being there in the first place… it makes me fucking sick!!
Psych wards make me fucking sick.. everything about it just makes me feel so helpless,,
Like it's an inescapable void that sucks us dry and leaves us all to rot as empty husks that are too frail to ever truly thrive.
We're forced into living on the very cusp of life and death because killing us outright would deprive it of its core sustenance.
And you know what?
It would be nice to not be dehumanized for once, but I learned the hard way that's apparently too much to ask!
I've been told that if something happens enough times, you'll eventually get used to it, but I don't think I can and that's why I'm here right now, on this forum typing this all out.
