love_peep
Specialist
- May 26, 2023
- 313
hello there! I would like to thank everyone who reads this because in the next 96 hours I will leave here, but I will write another thread about it. here I want to describe my first ctb experience which was 30 days ago. All my depression naturally did not start from the best childhood, as probably many teenagers who got depression in their 16-25 years. in my case, it all started at the age of 18 a few months ago. during these 19 years that I have been living, a lot of both good things and a lot of shit have happened. but in any case, at the moment I'm drinking antidepressants and they don't help me.
at the moment I have a 100% option to leave here and I will do it, although the option is suitable only for those who want to leave here and now or just desperate people who no longer know how to leave this world. but if someone is interested, then I can describe this method later, but again, it will only suit people who are very strong in spirit and they don't care how they leave here, the main thing is to leave.
in general, here is my first attempt at ctb
As I said, it was 30 days ago. then I felt so bad that I decided to do ctb right tomorrow and I wrote a farewell note for my friends who are there because I have no family and relatives in general, too. In the note I described my whole life all my reasons why I have to leave here and why I can't stay here. after I sent it to my friends, it was one o'clock in the morning and they were not sleeping and were sitting in the discord trying to dissuade me from such shit, but after sending the note they thought that I would do it at home right here and now and called me an ambulance to the house that I was not waiting for.
when the ambulance arrived, I had to explain to them for about 30 minutes that I was not going to do anything with myself and everything was fine with me and I did not need hospitalization. after she left , I went to the discord server with my friends and I had to pretend that everything was fine with me , but in my head I realized that my ctb was less than 24 hours away.after I woke up in the morning, I went for a walk with a friend, we ate at kfc, twisted a Rubik's cube, and at the end of the day, when it was already 7 pm, we parted. I got on the bus and drove in the direction of the commuter train that should run over my head.
when my ctb was less than 3 hours away, I felt not much fear, but the closer the ctb time was, the less I was afraid.
I arrived in the city I needed and bought a train ticket to drive one stop and get off and then walk to the middle between the stations so that the train that was traveling would travel at the maximum speed for me.
when I arrived at the station , I smoked a cigarette, listened to music and realized that there was less than an hour left before my ctb , then I felt like every second just flowed away from me and I felt my departure from this life more and more clearly.
I was getting closer to my destination and the time was already dark , I specially chose dark clothes and dark time of day so that the train would not see me , there was also a forest around me and the forest darkened the entire space , so I thought that the train would not see me.
I arrived at my destination and there were 10 minutes left before my ctb, since the train I needed in the direction of station xxx was already not far from me.
I smoked another cigarette thinking that it was the last one in my life and thought well, everything is only 5 minutes left before my ctb. it's time to leave this world soon. I lay down on the tracks with my head turned on the music to the fullest so as not to hear the train humming, turned away from it and looked at the moon and stars and sang my favorite song. I looked at the moon smiling and rejoicing that liberation was waiting for me soon, just a couple more minutes and I would leave this world .the song was already starting to end and I was starting to get nervous because I was afraid that the train knew about my being on the rails, so it had been gone for more than 2 minutes, although at that moment I should have already been dead. and I thought, damn, where is the train, I saw it in the distance, why is it taking so long.
And I started to worry a little bit that I wouldn't get ctb because the driver would get off the train right now and drag me off the rails.
I was afraid that I would not be able to crank ctb and then I would have to lie in a mental hospital for several months and after lying for another 20 seconds I turned over.
and then I was disappointed because as soon as I turned over, I saw my train and the light on the rails and realized that I had screwed up and she didn't even know about me. she drove past me without even honking and I was only 5 seconds away from ctb. after that, I called a friend and said I couldn't do it and said can I spend the night at your place. and we went to spend the night at his place. I walked all the way smoking and blaming myself that I didn't lie down for some 5 seconds and didn't leave at that moment and I knew that I was lucky that I didn't die then, but I wanted so much to get rid of all these thoughts and become free from this depression.
I was in shock for a few days and didn't know what to do, but just a couple of days later I found this forum and realized that this is my new home until I leave here. So I would like to thank everyone who somehow helps here to share their stories and just somehow participates in the life of the forum. for this month almost, that I'm on the forum, only here I felt some kind of freedom of expression and realized that this is my home. in general, thank you very much to everyone who read this post
at the moment I have a 100% option to leave here and I will do it, although the option is suitable only for those who want to leave here and now or just desperate people who no longer know how to leave this world. but if someone is interested, then I can describe this method later, but again, it will only suit people who are very strong in spirit and they don't care how they leave here, the main thing is to leave.
in general, here is my first attempt at ctb
As I said, it was 30 days ago. then I felt so bad that I decided to do ctb right tomorrow and I wrote a farewell note for my friends who are there because I have no family and relatives in general, too. In the note I described my whole life all my reasons why I have to leave here and why I can't stay here. after I sent it to my friends, it was one o'clock in the morning and they were not sleeping and were sitting in the discord trying to dissuade me from such shit, but after sending the note they thought that I would do it at home right here and now and called me an ambulance to the house that I was not waiting for.
when the ambulance arrived, I had to explain to them for about 30 minutes that I was not going to do anything with myself and everything was fine with me and I did not need hospitalization. after she left , I went to the discord server with my friends and I had to pretend that everything was fine with me , but in my head I realized that my ctb was less than 24 hours away.after I woke up in the morning, I went for a walk with a friend, we ate at kfc, twisted a Rubik's cube, and at the end of the day, when it was already 7 pm, we parted. I got on the bus and drove in the direction of the commuter train that should run over my head.
when my ctb was less than 3 hours away, I felt not much fear, but the closer the ctb time was, the less I was afraid.
I arrived in the city I needed and bought a train ticket to drive one stop and get off and then walk to the middle between the stations so that the train that was traveling would travel at the maximum speed for me.
when I arrived at the station , I smoked a cigarette, listened to music and realized that there was less than an hour left before my ctb , then I felt like every second just flowed away from me and I felt my departure from this life more and more clearly.
I was getting closer to my destination and the time was already dark , I specially chose dark clothes and dark time of day so that the train would not see me , there was also a forest around me and the forest darkened the entire space , so I thought that the train would not see me.
I arrived at my destination and there were 10 minutes left before my ctb, since the train I needed in the direction of station xxx was already not far from me.
I smoked another cigarette thinking that it was the last one in my life and thought well, everything is only 5 minutes left before my ctb. it's time to leave this world soon. I lay down on the tracks with my head turned on the music to the fullest so as not to hear the train humming, turned away from it and looked at the moon and stars and sang my favorite song. I looked at the moon smiling and rejoicing that liberation was waiting for me soon, just a couple more minutes and I would leave this world .the song was already starting to end and I was starting to get nervous because I was afraid that the train knew about my being on the rails, so it had been gone for more than 2 minutes, although at that moment I should have already been dead. and I thought, damn, where is the train, I saw it in the distance, why is it taking so long.
And I started to worry a little bit that I wouldn't get ctb because the driver would get off the train right now and drag me off the rails.
I was afraid that I would not be able to crank ctb and then I would have to lie in a mental hospital for several months and after lying for another 20 seconds I turned over.
and then I was disappointed because as soon as I turned over, I saw my train and the light on the rails and realized that I had screwed up and she didn't even know about me. she drove past me without even honking and I was only 5 seconds away from ctb. after that, I called a friend and said I couldn't do it and said can I spend the night at your place. and we went to spend the night at his place. I walked all the way smoking and blaming myself that I didn't lie down for some 5 seconds and didn't leave at that moment and I knew that I was lucky that I didn't die then, but I wanted so much to get rid of all these thoughts and become free from this depression.
I was in shock for a few days and didn't know what to do, but just a couple of days later I found this forum and realized that this is my new home until I leave here. So I would like to thank everyone who somehow helps here to share their stories and just somehow participates in the life of the forum. for this month almost, that I'm on the forum, only here I felt some kind of freedom of expression and realized that this is my home. in general, thank you very much to everyone who read this post
