DarkWolf
Worthless Loser
- Mar 29, 2021
- 201
This is 3rd attempt. Please don't let me fail.
There is no hope for me
My whole life has been bad and it's not because Im depressed. It's bad life that made me depressed not the other way round. If anyone lived my life they would be depressed. My depression is not a chemical imbalance it's a symptom of my tormented soul.
It's not the worse life ever but it's not good. I have no quality of life. No one understands me. I can't explain it. I'm not very good at explaining things or how I feel. My mind just goes blank and I struggle to speak.
I only know sadness, anger and anxiety. Guilt and shame.
I've never been happy, peaceful, safe or comfortable.
No believes me.
I had forgotten my past like an amnesia but now I can remember.
I wanted to die at 8 years old. Not because I 'think' no one cares about me. But because they didn't care about me. I existed as nothing more than a human punching bag and puppet. I was emotionally neglected and abused. Mentally abused. Sometimes physically hit but not too much. Its nobody's fault everyone has their own tramua but I should have never existed. I should not have beven brought here and that makes me mad.
I have and have never had proper friends and I couldn't connect to anyone. I was always different like an alien from another world.
I fell through the cracks of a broken system. Thank you social services and CAMHS for nothing.
At 12 years old I wanted to die and I never stopped. For Thousands of days on end I wanted to die. I beared this all alone for there was no one to tell. I lived on for my dog for I would not abandon her. No matter how hard it got. For I know what it feels like to be abandoned. At 14 years old with a blade to my wrist I promised her.
I will not leave you.
I was bullied and mocked at school. It was torture. I started self mutilating, dissociating and when things got bad. I stopped going. No even noticed I was skipping school. Ignored. Good job I'm not important!
I hate myself so very much. So so much. I hate my body. All I ever think about is how fat I am, its everywhere. I want cosmetic and gender reassignment surgery. I can't see myself ever getting or affording either. My physical appearance digusts me. I hate being human. I don't even like eating or drinking. I hate being flesh and blood. I would have liked to have a been robot.
I've made so many mistakes I can not forgive myself. I'm literally human trash. I hate myself more than words can describe. I hate me!
My legs are covered in cuts and little scars.
I have no Identity. It's so unstable. I don't exist. I don't see myself as human. When I think myself, I think of a pack of wolves. Just us 4.
I have misophonia and noise anxiety. I'm literally being tortured by sound sometimes I wish I was deaf. I have tinnitus, it's mild but unfixable. I used to love sitting in slience. Now I can't.
I am socially incapable. I can't attach to anyone. I feel like everyone else speaks in a foreign language. I just want to be on my own but you can't live like that in this society.
I have never been dianosed with anything. I wonder if I have aspergers or a personality disorder. Maybe borderline or avoidant. But really it doesn't fucking matter to me. I don't want to be here. I hate it. I don't want to fight. I certainly don't want to fight my own mind.
Life is suffering
Existence is pain
I believe in my right to die.
The world is fucked. Pandemics, war 3, climate change, natural disasters, famine, water wars and environmental collapse are all round the corner. Yeah no thanks I'll pass!
I hate my job and there is no job that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I hate where I live. I want to live alone. I just want to be on my own not even interested in a relationship. I don't Belong Here on this world.
Im tired of being anxious
I'm tired of being depressed
I'm tired of dissociation
I'm tired of being angry
I'm tired of having emotions
I'm tired of being so sensitive
I'm tired of being weird and odd
I'm tired of wage slavery
I'm tired of questioning this pointless existence
I am tired of even trying to think of everything I'm tired of.
I'm tired of suffering, my own and others. I feel too much but I cannot express it in person, your pain is my pain and I cannot bare pain any longer.
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of being tired
And most of all I'm tired of being me.
My past is pain and I have no future and as for present well that is no joy. Everything is boring to me and even as a child I was weird.
Mental pain
Emotional pain
Existential pain
Social pain
And it's only a matter of time til I run out of money and I end up physically crippled.
Lastly I would like to re illturate I am not killing myself because my dog died. She was my reason to live not my reason to die.
There's no way I've covered everything. My head goes so fast. I just want someone to know how much I suffered. How painful life has been. I wish it had not ended like this. But please don't let me fail.
I swear I tried I really did I know people think I didn't but I did. I TRIED REALLY FUCKING HARD.
I hope my request to be laid to rest with my dog is honoured.
I did not want to die unseen, unheard and unknown. Thank you for reading.
Goodbye SS. I hope this works. Please please.
There is no hope for me
My whole life has been bad and it's not because Im depressed. It's bad life that made me depressed not the other way round. If anyone lived my life they would be depressed. My depression is not a chemical imbalance it's a symptom of my tormented soul.
It's not the worse life ever but it's not good. I have no quality of life. No one understands me. I can't explain it. I'm not very good at explaining things or how I feel. My mind just goes blank and I struggle to speak.
I only know sadness, anger and anxiety. Guilt and shame.
I've never been happy, peaceful, safe or comfortable.
No believes me.
I had forgotten my past like an amnesia but now I can remember.
I wanted to die at 8 years old. Not because I 'think' no one cares about me. But because they didn't care about me. I existed as nothing more than a human punching bag and puppet. I was emotionally neglected and abused. Mentally abused. Sometimes physically hit but not too much. Its nobody's fault everyone has their own tramua but I should have never existed. I should not have beven brought here and that makes me mad.
I have and have never had proper friends and I couldn't connect to anyone. I was always different like an alien from another world.
I fell through the cracks of a broken system. Thank you social services and CAMHS for nothing.
At 12 years old I wanted to die and I never stopped. For Thousands of days on end I wanted to die. I beared this all alone for there was no one to tell. I lived on for my dog for I would not abandon her. No matter how hard it got. For I know what it feels like to be abandoned. At 14 years old with a blade to my wrist I promised her.
I will not leave you.
I was bullied and mocked at school. It was torture. I started self mutilating, dissociating and when things got bad. I stopped going. No even noticed I was skipping school. Ignored. Good job I'm not important!
I hate myself so very much. So so much. I hate my body. All I ever think about is how fat I am, its everywhere. I want cosmetic and gender reassignment surgery. I can't see myself ever getting or affording either. My physical appearance digusts me. I hate being human. I don't even like eating or drinking. I hate being flesh and blood. I would have liked to have a been robot.
I've made so many mistakes I can not forgive myself. I'm literally human trash. I hate myself more than words can describe. I hate me!
My legs are covered in cuts and little scars.
I have no Identity. It's so unstable. I don't exist. I don't see myself as human. When I think myself, I think of a pack of wolves. Just us 4.
I have misophonia and noise anxiety. I'm literally being tortured by sound sometimes I wish I was deaf. I have tinnitus, it's mild but unfixable. I used to love sitting in slience. Now I can't.
I am socially incapable. I can't attach to anyone. I feel like everyone else speaks in a foreign language. I just want to be on my own but you can't live like that in this society.
I have never been dianosed with anything. I wonder if I have aspergers or a personality disorder. Maybe borderline or avoidant. But really it doesn't fucking matter to me. I don't want to be here. I hate it. I don't want to fight. I certainly don't want to fight my own mind.
Life is suffering
Existence is pain
I believe in my right to die.
The world is fucked. Pandemics, war 3, climate change, natural disasters, famine, water wars and environmental collapse are all round the corner. Yeah no thanks I'll pass!
I hate my job and there is no job that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I hate where I live. I want to live alone. I just want to be on my own not even interested in a relationship. I don't Belong Here on this world.
Im tired of being anxious
I'm tired of being depressed
I'm tired of dissociation
I'm tired of being angry
I'm tired of having emotions
I'm tired of being so sensitive
I'm tired of being weird and odd
I'm tired of wage slavery
I'm tired of questioning this pointless existence
I am tired of even trying to think of everything I'm tired of.
I'm tired of suffering, my own and others. I feel too much but I cannot express it in person, your pain is my pain and I cannot bare pain any longer.
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of being tired
And most of all I'm tired of being me.
My past is pain and I have no future and as for present well that is no joy. Everything is boring to me and even as a child I was weird.
Mental pain
Emotional pain
Existential pain
Social pain
And it's only a matter of time til I run out of money and I end up physically crippled.
Lastly I would like to re illturate I am not killing myself because my dog died. She was my reason to live not my reason to die.
There's no way I've covered everything. My head goes so fast. I just want someone to know how much I suffered. How painful life has been. I wish it had not ended like this. But please don't let me fail.
I swear I tried I really did I know people think I didn't but I did. I TRIED REALLY FUCKING HARD.
I hope my request to be laid to rest with my dog is honoured.
I did not want to die unseen, unheard and unknown. Thank you for reading.
Goodbye SS. I hope this works. Please please.
