PrettyKitty
Angel
- Mar 27, 2023
- 180
I'm Nikita and This is my suicide letter.
Before I start I know my family will see this and I want to say I did it to be free it's not your fault. Don't cry because know I was suffering and that I will be in a better place now
You might think what I did was bad or selfish but I did it for you all too I know you think of me as a burden and that's why you don't help me when I cry anymore or when I break down I'm useless.
I just went on a walk yesterday and all this realization has come to me now that people truly don't care about others in this world. I know the world is cruel and evil and I've always knew this but I just didn't want to face the truth. I became so lost with false truths and wanting to find peace and love and happiness in life that I didn't realize how much sugar coating one can do. I feel so stupid that I don't even know the reason of why I'm still alive because what am I really living for? Friends, Family, Happiness, Love? Even if you have these things they don't last long.
I was born with a good life that turned into a abusive, drug, sa, death, loss and mental illness hell of living and I always said that If I was rich or happy or had a husband or kids or something to live for I would never want to kill myself all my mental illness would go away. I realized that's not true it doesn't matter what you have or don't you will never be able to get rid of the feeling of seeking death as your only way out of this mental hell of a mind.
Life is completely meaningless till given meaning but what if you have a reason to live, you have a family you have love and your life is great. Why do people really kill themselves than? Why do rappers die young? Why do the rich and famous commit suicide if they really do have it all? Because even if there happy or not even if they have a great life or not. Nobody can stop the creeping's of depression or feeling numb or the feeling of losing something. Some people just snap.
I also realized that death can be very peaceful for a lot of people something I thought was abnormal to think till I found this website where others told me I'm not alone. When your going to die or actually dying you feel peace you feel like finally you can be free from this world. When your mentally ill and everyday is hell and everyday is so unbearably painful to live, that peace of when the world finally goes silent and there's no more thinking no more noise in your head. No more voices no more feelings just nothingness the feeling of peace with yourself but also with dying.
I wish I didn't have mental illness I wish I didn't have BPD or anxiety or trauma even If I didn't have these things I don't really know if I would have been happy or had a better life anyways. It's a scary thought though to think when I'm dead that nobody will care and if they do they will forget. All just be a dead body in a coffin a piece of history that will be forgotten somebody nobody will care about.
To friends or loved ones if they see this.
I loved every single one of you with all my heart, never once did I ever judge you I always try to forgive and I always thought you were all so amazing. I don't regret the friends I made the family I have or the people I dated or was in love with. I'm sorry if I hurt any of you I just make a lot of mistakes that I'm not proud of but I'm making sure I never make them again. It's better I'm not here I don't want people to be hurt by me. I love you j and I love you b and I love you sister and I love you mom and I love you dad. I thought the love I shared for people would save me and I was wrong no matter If I have your love or not it could never save me from my fate. It was set in stone I was supposed to die young. Just please all I ask is don't forget me I don't wanna be forgotten It's my only fear and please remember me for all the good things I did.
Before I start I know my family will see this and I want to say I did it to be free it's not your fault. Don't cry because know I was suffering and that I will be in a better place now
You might think what I did was bad or selfish but I did it for you all too I know you think of me as a burden and that's why you don't help me when I cry anymore or when I break down I'm useless.
I just went on a walk yesterday and all this realization has come to me now that people truly don't care about others in this world. I know the world is cruel and evil and I've always knew this but I just didn't want to face the truth. I became so lost with false truths and wanting to find peace and love and happiness in life that I didn't realize how much sugar coating one can do. I feel so stupid that I don't even know the reason of why I'm still alive because what am I really living for? Friends, Family, Happiness, Love? Even if you have these things they don't last long.
I was born with a good life that turned into a abusive, drug, sa, death, loss and mental illness hell of living and I always said that If I was rich or happy or had a husband or kids or something to live for I would never want to kill myself all my mental illness would go away. I realized that's not true it doesn't matter what you have or don't you will never be able to get rid of the feeling of seeking death as your only way out of this mental hell of a mind.
Life is completely meaningless till given meaning but what if you have a reason to live, you have a family you have love and your life is great. Why do people really kill themselves than? Why do rappers die young? Why do the rich and famous commit suicide if they really do have it all? Because even if there happy or not even if they have a great life or not. Nobody can stop the creeping's of depression or feeling numb or the feeling of losing something. Some people just snap.
I also realized that death can be very peaceful for a lot of people something I thought was abnormal to think till I found this website where others told me I'm not alone. When your going to die or actually dying you feel peace you feel like finally you can be free from this world. When your mentally ill and everyday is hell and everyday is so unbearably painful to live, that peace of when the world finally goes silent and there's no more thinking no more noise in your head. No more voices no more feelings just nothingness the feeling of peace with yourself but also with dying.
I wish I didn't have mental illness I wish I didn't have BPD or anxiety or trauma even If I didn't have these things I don't really know if I would have been happy or had a better life anyways. It's a scary thought though to think when I'm dead that nobody will care and if they do they will forget. All just be a dead body in a coffin a piece of history that will be forgotten somebody nobody will care about.
To friends or loved ones if they see this.
I loved every single one of you with all my heart, never once did I ever judge you I always try to forgive and I always thought you were all so amazing. I don't regret the friends I made the family I have or the people I dated or was in love with. I'm sorry if I hurt any of you I just make a lot of mistakes that I'm not proud of but I'm making sure I never make them again. It's better I'm not here I don't want people to be hurt by me. I love you j and I love you b and I love you sister and I love you mom and I love you dad. I thought the love I shared for people would save me and I was wrong no matter If I have your love or not it could never save me from my fate. It was set in stone I was supposed to die young. Just please all I ask is don't forget me I don't wanna be forgotten It's my only fear and please remember me for all the good things I did.
