My father expects me to succeed but i feel too broken to go on

[nosoul]

I'm 44, have an MBA in finance, everything started great but I took time off and ruined my career.

I burned my emotional centers in my brain in my attempt to deal with depression using psychedelics vs psych drugs, which I've always hated.

If I ctb, I know I will never be forgiven, but have not worked in 14years collecting ssd, not sure I can even get and hold job as my sleep doesn't allow for it.

The issue is I can't sleep or eat well. Crippled with past thoughts of what could have been.

I was the hope in my family, but now my brother has a special needs kid, I've destroyed myself, dad is in a wheelchair unable to care for himself.

Just talking to him my dad told me he immigrated to this country at my age, but he had my mother and me and my brother. He did alot more than me in our years, I've just fought mental illness.

It saddens me that I can barely function these days, suicidal thoughts are rampant as I'm already declining.

There can't be a good ending, and I fear what lies next if I give up.

But these past 15 years have just sucked as I was psychotically focused on the Trumpet which led to my current injured state. My father doesn't understand this.

even if getting a good job, I don't have the aptitude I once had, need benzos to sleep, no personality, can't eat so been losing weight.

Everything I try to nap I have a panic attack.66⁶

I know I'm asking on a pro ctb forum, but ending myself is not easy.

Do I fight the brave fight? It would be selfish of me to ctb and would ruin my family I fear.

Yet I still feel so trapped and injured, I wish to do it.

This is a rambling post but I'm disgusted with myself had I continued working and made money, my family could have been well off.

If there is an afterlife, I'm not sure I'd be welcome to see my loved ones.

any thoughts? I have a father who loves me, wants me to go on, but who wants to be with a bipolar person who can't eat, sleep or concentrate? Who will hire a person?

It was in good faith albeit delusional that I tried to do music using drugs.

What do I do?

This is depressing to the max, feels like drugs have ruined me both bipolar bit especially the dmt.

Don't know what to do:(

 

[Roseate]

I understand and relate to majority of what you've said except I am young (so you know no excuses.) and this app isn't really pro-ctb. It's more of a pro-choice type of thing. Whatever you decide to do, there will be no judgements and you will get support. It sounds like a lot of pressure. Have you ever considered therapy? It can help you learn to cope better with how you are feeling. And it provides you an option outside of ctb. If you can give it a chance before you decide (or IF you decide). Have you ever tried looking for an online job? Or a night shifts? Maybe try to find a night job (since you can't sleep, and I bet it's nights that the thinking gets worse), get a therapy (to find a way to cope), maybe even see a psychiatrist (for meds perhaps idk if that's an option you want), then work at it for a bit. It doesn't have to all be done at once. Sometimes it's the little progress that matters, and they happen before you notice a major change in yourself. And about your parents, they shouldn't put pressure on you. Don't let their pressure get to you. Your success only affects you! Not them, their focus should be on your happiness. Relationships can wait for rn. Your mental health should be your main focus then everything else will work itself out with time. I really think you can do it. Keep your head up.
And if you want to talk or vent, I'm here. Like I said I understand family pressure especially with immigrant parents.

 

[nosoul]

Yeah thank you. I'm wasting away because each day I can barely sleep and eat. I'm shaking right now because I'm so anxious. Even wanting to ctb I don't have a great option except leaving my dogs and my things in my hotel room and just ending it, sending a delayed email to the hotel asking them to take care of dogs.

But that can't be a good ending.

To be honest I feel myself losing my mind slowly, I had psych appointment today but got rescheduled.

I guess I'd like to work again but how can I if I can't focus and have extreme anxiety.

I feel so trapped and sad for my family, they deserved a better son than me.

 

[Roseate]

Try focusing on your mental health first. I feel like that's the first and most important step right now.

 

[Linda]

You must ignore your father. You have your own life to live, and it sounds as though he is a major obstancle. I'm no physician, but it sounds to me as if you have pushed yourself too hard, or been pushed too hard, or both, and are experiencing some kind of burnout. I wonder whether a year or two at a much slower pace, doing some much less demanding job than you have been used to, might allow you to recharge your batteries, and also give you time to consider where you want to go in life. What you "might have done" is irrelevant now, so stop thinking about it. But what you might achieve in the future is still open.

 

[nosoul]

You must ignore your father. You have your own life to live, and it sounds as though he is a major obstancle. I'm no physician, but it sounds to me as if you have pushed yourself too hard, or been pushed too hard, or both, and are experiencing some kind of burnout. I wonder whether a year or two at a much slower pace, doing some much less demanding job than you have been used to, might allow you to recharge your batteries, and also give you time to consider where you want to go in life. What you "might have done" is irrelevant now, so stop thinking about it. But what you might achieve in the future is still open.

It's my lack of eating and sleeping that concerns me, I've not been able to get quality rest in weeks now, same with food consumption it is lower than normal.

I feel I've irreparably damaged my brain where now I'm always nervous and am confused. But Noone can help me, I sort of just see exiting, but will I regret that if I see all the pain I caused to those I leave behind including my dogs.

Day by day it is a serious struggle for me, and I get extreme panic attacks when I try to rest but can't shut down.

 

[Linda]

Stop "worrying about being worried". That's a bad situation to get into, because it feeds on itself and can really drag you down. (I know. I've been there.) You will eat when you are hungry. Probably you will sleep when you are tired enough. (If not, you may need some assistance from a medical professional, but my guess is that you won't get to that stage.) The things that are bugging you deep down are causing these difficulties, so you must either fix those things (which may not be possible, if they concern past events that can't be changed), or learn to just ignore them, write them off as history, and start again. I doubt that you have damaged your brain as badly as you fear. (You may not have damaged it at all, but as I said in my previous post I'm not a physcician and don't have the experience to really assess that.)

 

[Mirrory Me]

It sounds like the drugs have damaged your psyche- you'd better rest so you don't get psychotic. It's okay to be scared, take it easy and remind yourself that everything is okay.

 

[nosoul]

Stop "worrying about being worried". That's a bad situation to get into, because it feeds on itself and can really drag you down. (I know. I've been there.) You will eat when you are hungry. Probably you will sleep when you are tired enough. (If not, you may need some assistance from a medical professional, but my guess is that you won't get to that stage.) The things that are bugging you deep down are causing these difficulties, so you must either fix those things (which may not be possible, if they concern past events that can't be changed), or learn to just ignore them, write them off as history, and start again. I doubt that you have damaged your brain as badly as you fear. (Youu may not have damaged it at all, but as I said in my previous post I'm not a physcician and don't have the experience to really assess that.)

I've only been able to sleep with klonopin and just for a few hours, yeah nothing in my life is in order now. Yes many issues from the past but it's my current condition that is bad. I'm not just saying I can't sleep or eat, it is a lack of internal feedback from my body, I've lost alot of weight already.

Feels like everything is caving in on me.

Ctb is for relief, but it is also difficult to do. I just don't feel I have it in me to go on,but stuck because of fear of ending it.

I'm trying to take 1 day at a time, eat some food get some sleep, but I really went too hard on strong psychedelics, weed doesn't even effect me anymore.

I'm stuck even though my situation not as bad as others, my mental state is overwhelming me, I'm shaking I'm so nervous:(

It sounds like the drugs have damaged your psyche- you'd better rest so you don't get psychotic. It's okay to be scared, take it easy and remind yourself that everything is okay.

Yes my psyche is ruined, and my dad doesn't want to hear it. I'd like to restore my health but fear it's too far gone already, how long can a person survive on little sleep and food.

Noone wants mentally ill people around, and sadly in my attempt to cure myself, I made myself worse.

Maybe just 1 night I leave and never return, I would prefer that than wasting away.

 

[Linda]

As far as the effects of psych drugs are concerned I don't know anything myself - never used them. You might need some assistance from a professional who is used to seeing these kinds of situations. Or from someone who has used similar drugs themselves. (There may be an internet forum for people in your kind of situation. Might be worth doing some googling.) I have a couple of friends who used them, and one had serious problems for a while as a result, but the problems eventually faded away. On this particular matter, all I can do is wish you luck.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Yes my psyche is ruined, and my dad doesn't want to hear it. I'd like to restore my health but fear it's too far gone already, how long can a person survive on little sleep and food.

Noone wants mentally ill people around, and sadly in my attempt to cure myself, I made myself worse.

Maybe just 1 night I leave and never return, I would prefer that than wasting away.

You are an adult who is free to make your own choices in life. I think he would be more upset if something bad happened to you.

If you feel that you cannot manage the situation on your own, I recommend that you go to the emergency room at the hospital. You will probably be taken into custody and receive antipsychotic medication as needed.

 

[nosoul]

Thank you, yeah I know I over did them, just trying to restore my health, been talking to some other folks and they say to keep healthy and let it pass. I have crippling anxiety have to do laundry and care for dogs but feels so daunting because of my current struggles.

People will say it's all in my head and it is, but the head is not functioning as it should, I simply cannot calm down and eat well. I appreciate your post, yeah I don't know what's going to happen, I feel frightened like a little boy, it's crazy

You are an adult who is free to make your own choices in life. I think he would be more upset if something bad happened to you.

If you feel that you cannot manage the situation on your own, I recommend that you go to the emergency room at the hospital. You will probably be taken into custody and receive antipsychotic medication as needed.

That has happened many times, I do not want to go to the ER at all, because I'm in a hotel and my dogs would go to the pound, and then I'm sure they wouldn't let me back in. I have to be strong but feel so weak and frightened.

Truthfully I need help but noone in my family is willing to take me in. And if they did and I ctb, it would be awful.

Just going to try to get done what I need to, but no food and energy. I'm normally great at sleeping and eating, this is a real mind fuck for me.

You are an adult who is free to make your own choices in life. I think he would be more upset if something bad happened to you.

If you feel that you cannot manage the situation on your own, I recommend that you go to the emergency room at the hospital. You will probably be taken into custody and receive antipsychotic medication as needed.

That has happened many times, I do not want to go to the ER at all, because I'm in a hotel and my dogs would go to the pound, and then I'm sure they wouldn't let me back in. I have to be strong but feel so weak and frightened.

Truthfully I need help but noone in my family is willing to take me in. And if they did and I ctb, it would be awful.

Just going to try to get done what I need to, but no food and energy. I'm normally great at sleeping and eating, this is a real mind fuck for me.

 

[Mirrory Me]

That has happened many times, I do not want to go to the ER at all, because I'm in a hotel and my dogs would go to the pound, and then I'm sure they wouldn't let me back in. I have to be strong but feel so weak and frightened.

Truthfully I need help but noone in my family is willing to take me in. And if they did and I ctb, it would be awful.

Just going to try to get done what I need to, but no food and energy. I'm normally great at sleeping and eating, this is a real mind fuck for me.

I just remember that I experienced the same symptoms when I was in psychosis: insomnia, loss of appetite, restlessness and states of fear. Antipsychotic drugs calm the psyche by reducing the movement between neurons. I believe they will help your psyche to recover, if you are currently overloaded / unable to function normally.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really tiring and awful what you have to endure, life really is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway it's your life and only you can decide what you should do. I wish you the best.

 

[nosoul]

I just remember that I experienced the same symptoms when I was in psychosis: insomnia, loss of appetite, restlessness and states of fear. Antipsychotic drugs calm the psyche by reducing the movement between neurons. I believe they will help your psyche to recover, if you are currently overloaded / unable to function normally.

I have an appointment with psychiatrist next Tuesday, yes he will prob put me on antipsychotics.

Yeah maybe they will help

 

[nosoul]

I just remember that I experienced the same symptoms when I was in psychosis: insomnia, loss of appetite, restlessness and states of fear. Antipsychotic drugs calm the psyche by reducing the movement between neurons. I believe they will help your psyche to recover, if you are currently overloaded / unable to function normally.

I'm not in psychosis now, but with ongoing sleep deprivation I feel I'm slowly losing it.