Venting My father died and ruined my plans.

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

My father and I never had a good relationship. Even in my childhood we had a bittersweet relation. When I entered adolescence, our relationship got much worse, and he even sexually harassed me. After suffering a lot, my mother decided to divorce and it was then that I decided to cut ties with my father. I was 15 years old at the time. At that point, I had failed in a suicide and was facing physical and mental problems.
At the age of 23, I received the news that my father had died - a suspicious death, some think it was an accident, others suicide. The fact is that my father died on the same day that I was going to commit suicide, just a few hours before.
Rereading the text I just wrote, I feel lost. I don't remember what the purpose of it was. My father died two days ago. I feel lost, confused, and I don't even know why. Suicide was my way out of a miserable and unhappy life, but now I don't know what to do, but dying now would be so premature, so close to my father's death.
I can't take it anymore, I hate my job, I can't study due to my mental mess, I don't have friends, energy, or motivation to change anything. I feel like a spectator of my own life, a life I'm not proud of.
Maybe I'm thinking too much or putting obstacles in the way, because deep down I'm afraid of the unknown, the fact is that at the moment I don't know what to do. I just wish I could go back in time and decide to commit suicide a day earlier, maybe I would have died in his place, and he could have suffered a little more.

I do not know what to do. Should I wait 2 or 3 months? Die now? What would change?
I think I'm just a coward person.

 

[hopeless08]

My father and I never had a good relationship. Even in my childhood we had a bittersweet relation. When I entered adolescence, our relationship got much worse, and he even sexually harassed me. After suffering a lot, my mother decided to divorce and it was then that I decided to cut ties with my father. I was 15 years old at the time. At that point, I had failed in a suicide and was facing physical and mental problems.
At the age of 23, I received the news that my father had died - a suspicious death, some think it was an accident, others suicide. The fact is that my father died on the same day that I was going to commit suicide, just a few hours before.
Rereading the text I just wrote, I feel lost. I don't remember what the purpose of it was. My father died two days ago. I feel lost, confused, and I don't even know why. Suicide was my way out of a miserable and unhappy life, but now I don't know what to do, but dying now would be so premature, so close to my father's death.
I can't take it anymore, I hate my job, I can't study due to my mental mess, I don't have friends, energy, or motivation to change anything. I feel like a spectator of my own life, a life I'm not proud of.
Maybe I'm thinking too much or putting obstacles in the way, because deep down I'm afraid of the unknown, the fact is that at the moment I don't know what to do. I just wish I could go back in time and decide to commit suicide a day earlier, maybe I would have died in his place, and he could have suffered a little more.

I do not know what to do. Should I wait 2 or 3 months? Die now? What would change?
I think I'm just a coward person.

I'm sorry for your pain and what your father put you through. You seem to be confused and hesitant not only about your mixed emotions but as to whether you want to end your life or not. I'm not trying to impose my ideas on you but maybe you should take some time to reflect and you might end up realizing that you want to give life one more chance.
It seems as though a major reason for you wanting to ctb was so your father felt the suffering you went through you most likely might be feeling confused and frustrated for this very reason.
I just hope you can find a way to ease your pain and find a solution that will give you solace.
I hope you don't take offense to anything I said I'm just suggesting that you make a decision with a clear mind.

 

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

Thank you for the words. I will not hurry, I will try to think calmly and find some solution that brings me peace.

I'm sorry for your pain and what your father put you through. You seem to be confused and hesitant not only about your mixed emotions but as to whether you want to end your life or not. I'm not trying to impose my ideas on you but maybe you should take some time to reflect and you might end up realizing that you want to give life one more chance.
It seems as though a major reason for you wanting to ctb was so your father felt the suffering you went through you most likely might be feeling confused and frustrated for this very reason.
I just hope you can find a way to ease your pain and find a solution that will give you solace.
I hope you don't take offense to anything I said I'm just suggesting that you make a decision with a clear mind.

Thank you for answering me.