hey y'all, this is my first post here. some of y'all might not be aware, but for some time after the Tantacrul video, parts of the site were made accessible only to members, including this section. At one point, it was the entire site. I completely understand why. This post is a criticism of the wider public outside of this forum forcing the mods' hands, not a criticism of the decisions of the mods to make the forum (partially) members-only. I made my request for an account after watching the Tantacrul video having a lot to say about it, but lurking here for a while had me realize that there wasn't anything that I was going to say that had not already been said. Instead, I want to talk about the impact that the site being made private had on me.
As I'm sure we all know, the discussions about suicide here are very taboo for the wider public. This is the only place (that I know of) where people understand that life is not "worth it" by default, that mental health can be terminal, and that not all situations can be helped. This is the only place where many people at their lowest can hear true empathy rather than platitudes and the repeated "it gets better."
I am a musician, and so are many of my peers. I knew of Tantacrul before the video, and so did they. I was never a big fan of his, mostly because of his decision to chastise amateur recordings in his "Hallelujah" video. Obviously, I absolutely hated the video about this forum, and I hated it even more after doing my own digging and realizing how much he had lied and twisted the truth. However, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I headed over to his discord server (of which I was already a member), and asked how, if we know the identities of the founders but not the current moderators, do we know that the social media harassment of parents whose children who have committed suicide are actually the moderators. The most I could read of his response was that it was "public record" before I got banned. The reason for the ban was that they have a rule that anyone who paints this site in a positive light (their wording) will be banned, though in execution it seems as though it's used on anyone who criticizes the video. He also discourages seeking out this site, which I understand, however, he has created an environment where he is effectively saying "believe me, do not try and verify what I am saying, and do not criticize me."
Since many of my peers know him, it has caused me to become anxious and less trusting of them knowing that they might have already seen the video and have taken it at face value (especially those who I know tend to not question things that sound good). Though none of them know of my mental health struggles (which I have been plagued with my entire life, that's a topic for another post), knowing that I now have to worry about hiding my support of this site in case they may have already been skewed by the video. It was very alienating.
Then, I logged on one day to see if my account had been approved yet, only to find out that the site had been entirely made private. Again, I'm not criticizing the mods here, but this was very difficult for me. I felt that I had lost a significant degree of control over my life and that I had lost a place to feel empathized with. I almost ordered SN that night just so that I could regain the comfort that knowing that the decision to continue or end my life was fully in my control. It was made even more difficult for me due to unfortunate timing of readings and presentations in some of my classes about topics adjacent to suicide within the last week.
To the mods: please do not keep the suicide discussion parts of the site private more than needed. For many lurkers, this is the only place where they can feel heard and understood, even if they never make any posts. I understand why it was made private, but I hope that it can be temporary. What you do is incredibly important, and I have the utmost respect for you and what you do for this marginalized community in the face of constant public ire.
As I'm sure we all know, the discussions about suicide here are very taboo for the wider public. This is the only place (that I know of) where people understand that life is not "worth it" by default, that mental health can be terminal, and that not all situations can be helped. This is the only place where many people at their lowest can hear true empathy rather than platitudes and the repeated "it gets better."
I am a musician, and so are many of my peers. I knew of Tantacrul before the video, and so did they. I was never a big fan of his, mostly because of his decision to chastise amateur recordings in his "Hallelujah" video. Obviously, I absolutely hated the video about this forum, and I hated it even more after doing my own digging and realizing how much he had lied and twisted the truth. However, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I headed over to his discord server (of which I was already a member), and asked how, if we know the identities of the founders but not the current moderators, do we know that the social media harassment of parents whose children who have committed suicide are actually the moderators. The most I could read of his response was that it was "public record" before I got banned. The reason for the ban was that they have a rule that anyone who paints this site in a positive light (their wording) will be banned, though in execution it seems as though it's used on anyone who criticizes the video. He also discourages seeking out this site, which I understand, however, he has created an environment where he is effectively saying "believe me, do not try and verify what I am saying, and do not criticize me."
Since many of my peers know him, it has caused me to become anxious and less trusting of them knowing that they might have already seen the video and have taken it at face value (especially those who I know tend to not question things that sound good). Though none of them know of my mental health struggles (which I have been plagued with my entire life, that's a topic for another post), knowing that I now have to worry about hiding my support of this site in case they may have already been skewed by the video. It was very alienating.
Then, I logged on one day to see if my account had been approved yet, only to find out that the site had been entirely made private. Again, I'm not criticizing the mods here, but this was very difficult for me. I felt that I had lost a significant degree of control over my life and that I had lost a place to feel empathized with. I almost ordered SN that night just so that I could regain the comfort that knowing that the decision to continue or end my life was fully in my control. It was made even more difficult for me due to unfortunate timing of readings and presentations in some of my classes about topics adjacent to suicide within the last week.
To the mods: please do not keep the suicide discussion parts of the site private more than needed. For many lurkers, this is the only place where they can feel heard and understood, even if they never make any posts. I understand why it was made private, but I hope that it can be temporary. What you do is incredibly important, and I have the utmost respect for you and what you do for this marginalized community in the face of constant public ire.
