Venting My existence = trials of humiliation. Life is a gift -_-

[Scribble Fan]

Some old childhood family friends are coming over in a couple weeks, I haven't seen them in years. My parents invited them round... what the fuck am I supposed to do? How am I going to explain??? * ahem *

"Hello everyone! Your friends, my beloved parents, abused me until I got severe anxiety and depression, that's why I'm a broken NEET wasting away at their place. No, I don't have a job because I'd rather be dead right now, especially now. Yes, I'm grateful they took everything from me and are now offering support. I'm trying so hard but failing as usual. What a suprise!!!!"

I'm going to pretend to be sick that day, lock myself in my room, lie in bed and "sleep", maybe feel a deep, burning embarrassment, and try not to wonder what my parents will say when asked how their son is doing. They're better at lying than me, hopefully they can make a story. Cherry on the cake is all four of their families' children will have jobs now or be in college. Look at me. I don't want to face them, they're going see right through it.

Humiliation. It's like a home to me. Most familiar and truly hated. I'm nauseous and exhausted from these falling feelings, I may just go night-night soon. The roof repair people are coming tomorrow and should be here all week. Could give me some noise to mask the sounds of my suicide.

 

[Rex2019]

i can totally relate. I sometimes wonder if parents invite people like this because they are backed into a corner and cannot say no or something. Coz otherwise it makes no sense. I mean it is humiliating for them as it is for us. In my case, I have to contend with the fact that all my other siblings are overachievers as well.

 

[Scribble Fan]

i can totally relate. I sometimes wonder if parents invite people like this because they are backed into a corner and cannot say no or something. Coz otherwise it makes no sense. I mean it is humiliating for them as it is for us. In my case, I have to contend with the fact that all my other siblings are overachievers as well.

My parents just didn't think before inviting them around, they've never care about my humiliation. Their selfishness is what caused me to shatter in the first place, they don't take any personal responsibility for it though so the embarrassment is deflected and it's "my fault". I am grateful they're offering me a place to stay and everything else but I wish they hadn't broken me to begin with (mainly mental / emotional abuse with some hitting mixed in when younger).

And god, sorry you only have overachieving siblings. My brother is pretty normal (but very hard working) when it comes to accomplishments and it's shameful enough comparing myself to him. I mean, it's not entirely fair comparing us (or anyone in general really) because he hasn't lived my life but still.

 

[not_a_robot]

Your parents probably think the shame of being compared to them will motivate you or fix you.
Toxic people think that way. Always conniving and scheming ways to "trick" you into behaving how they want, with strategic compliments and insults.
It's totally condescending and when you see through it, they act like you're the asshole for being annoyed by it.

 

[lululoo]

I'm sorry. This struck a chord with me although my situation is a bit different.

I'm older (in my 30s) and have generally not outwardly shamed my parents in terms of my education/career, just in terms of not finding a husband or having a good social life. However now I am chronically ill with a condition that people don't believe, and I can't work anymore, and I'm more alone than ever, so I'm now officially shameful in all realms. Now they are nice to me and try to boost me up (in sharp contrast to the emotional abuse and constant criticism I got up to about age 30).

Sometimes it feels good to see my them and my brothers because otherwise I'm so isolated...but at the same time, I still hugely resent them for ruining my life and never admitting it, and I resent my brothers for not admitting what was done to me. And enjoying their great success.

It's complicated and shitty. I have nothing to live for and am just trying to decide when to go out.

I don't blame you for hiding. Last time a relative came in town I didn't come to dinner with her. Didn't give a fuck that people thought I was rude. It's one thing to have dinner with my immediate family, who knows my situation and doesn't make me talk about it and is finally after 30+ years acting like I have some value. But I can't deal with giving "life updates" to aunts and family friends, etc. It's torture. And it triggers my anger at my brothers for having better lives than me in contrast.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Your parents probably think the shame of being compared to them will motivate you or fix you.
Toxic people think that way. Always conniving and scheming ways to "trick" you into behaving how they want, with strategic compliments and insults.
It's totally condescending and when you see through it, they act like you're the asshole for being annoyed by it.

Sounds eerily familiar when thinking back to my "mother". She sure was toxic, I keep my distance now. Got sick of that nonsense.

I'm sorry. This struck a chord with me although my situation is a bit different.

I'm older (in my 30s) and have generally not outwardly shamed my parents in terms of my education/career, just in terms of not finding a husband or having a good social life. However now I am chronically ill with a condition that people don't believe, and I can't work anymore, and I'm more alone than ever, so I'm now officially shameful in all realms. Now they are nice to me and try to boost me up (in sharp contrast to the emotional abuse and constant criticism I got up to about age 30).

Sometimes it feels good to see my them and my brothers because otherwise I'm so isolated...but at the same time, I still hugely resent them for ruining my life and never admitting it, and I resent my brothers for not admitting what was done to me. And enjoying their great success.

It's complicated and shitty. I have nothing to live for and am just trying to decide when to go out.

I don't blame you for hiding. Last time a relative came in town I didn't come to dinner with her. Didn't give a fuck that people thought I was rude. It's one thing to have dinner with my immediate family, who knows my situation and doesn't make me talk about it and is finally after 30+ years acting like I have some value. But I can't deal with giving "life updates" to aunts and family friends, etc. It's torture. And it triggers my anger at my brothers for having better lives than me in contrast.

Slight variations but I still feel you. A lot.

Thanks for sharing I know they say you're never truly the only one but it definitely feels that way sometimes.

 

[lululoo]

Slight variations but I still feel you. A lot.

Thanks for sharing I know they say you're never truly the only one but it definitely feels that way sometimes.

Thank you for giving me the opening to share! I think I needed to get that off my chest.

Yes, situations like this make you feel so alone. It's nice to know you're not (though I wish you weren't in your situation).

 

[Ldog9]

Everything in your post sounds familiar. My siblings were the opposite though, more dramatic fuck ups, that I was able to fade in the background. But now enough time has passed that they've gotten their shit together and I'm still here. I dunno how old you are, but I'm in my early 30s and tried pulling myself out earlier this year. It wasn't exactly a resounding success to say the least. If I was younger I think I'd feel much better about a possible future. I believe it may be too late for me though. Take it from someone who spent years living what you described, even a few years earlier may have been enough.

 

[deltahead]

i'm also a NEET. i suppose i'm lucky in the sense that i'm an only child and my parents are both the black sheep of their respective families so we receive a lot of condescending "support" from my aunts and uncles. i've also been technically going through elementary school, in the form of these little catch-up tests that i always google the answers to. people my age are already leaving college and getting jobs, people who have actually gone through serious shit in their lives that wasn't just "i didn't want to go to school so my parents took me out of school so now i'm here 10 years later!". i feel like i could do so much more and have no real excuse to be the way i am.

 

[purplemoon]

Hope everyone on here is at peace with her they CTP or not. I'll do respect there. Also, promises people that say life is a gift, my insurance sent.

If this life is a 'gift', can I please return it and just get a refund?!