"If I wanted to I could" then why don't I?

[permanently tired]

A thought came to me and it was this: if I left on my own accord and started over from scratch, would it change anything? I'm living with my family atm and I'm basically a neet. I don't like them and I'll never forgive any of them for the past. There are things I'd like to do, but I don't progress far when I attempt them and then I lose motivation rapidly. I have the opportunity to do as I wish and yet I don't. I can't figure out why.

My family was a problem then, but now they are less of one and don't affect me much. I got the circumstances I wanted so I could pursue my dreams in the past, however I don't know if it's bc I'm not as interested in them anymore or if I'm so beyond repair that I cannot function. Maybe it's some sequence of the two: broken and therefore unable to find interest.

 

[afternoontea]

I've sort of "started from scratch" multiple times in a way. I've moved to multiple places throughout my state and even across the country for different work/school opportunities and they've always ended in failure. Barely anything other than failure since high school. I'm in neet mode rn too and I don't have the self confidence right now to try again and again and again.

Idk, maybe people who are less depressed but just going through a rut will be helped with new friends and a new place to live. But if you're severely depressed it's not gonna help and imo it'll make the problem worse.

It sucks because the more optimistic part of me does want to start over, move out of my parents house and try being an adult again but I don't think I'm built for that. Like there's something fundamental about me that doesn't operate normally like that, and if I try, I end up burning myself out or some unlucky thing out of my control happens