Larnahh
Kitten
- Apr 17, 2024
- 4
Like the title said, my existence is pointless - I thought about my life a lot.
Ever since I was 11, I've been sure that one day I'll ctb. So many years have passed, I'm an adult now, I've finished school, and I don't know what to do with myself. My thoughts keep jumping from the idea that maybe I'll manage to get by after all, to the realization that I don't see a future for myself.
My parents were pretty neglecful, sure, I had food to eat and a warm house, but I felt like I was going through emotional hell. Not only did they never taught me any basic knowledge, and then make me feel guilty about it, but they also did all sorts of messed-up things, and I still feel guilty for seeing it as wrong, because I'm not sure if what happened to me can even be considered emotional abuse. Anyway, they had a huge impact on who I became. They ignored my cries for help when I was younger, even when my doctor or school counselor told them I should see a psychiatrist. They told me I was making it up. The first time I was honest with them, they said I wanted to be like my cousin (who was struggling with problems at the time). Then they just ignored everything, saying my fear of school was pointless and no big deal, even after they'd seen me sh because of it more than once. I think the fact that they knew about many of my problems but did nothing about them makes me feel like there's no future for me, and of course it has made my social anxiety and a few other problems worse.
I'm at a point now where I'm afraid to do anything, afraid of being perceived, and I can't go to work because of it, even though I'd really like to. To stop being afraid and to regain my will to live, I need treatment, and that requires money. I'm in a dead-end situation, and even though I have a boyfriend who says he'll support me as soon as he finds a job, I feel guilty that he has to be with me.
I don't know, maybe everything I've written comes down to the fact that I feel guilty for being alive, that I don't deserve it. I just feel useless, to avoid asking for help anymore, I've convinced myself that it's all just laziness and that I'm actually fine, even though all of this is affecting my life. I keep repeating this to myself over and over, and I think that's why I feel even worse.
I really hope I'll be ready soon. I can't go on living in this mental state, which feels like I'm on the edge, one moment I'm telling myself everything's fine, and the next I'm completely devastated.
I've been bottling all this up for years, but I finally had to get it off my chest, even if it came out a little chaotic. Even if no one reads this, it's made me feel a little calmer. If somone will read it, thank you.
Ever since I was 11, I've been sure that one day I'll ctb. So many years have passed, I'm an adult now, I've finished school, and I don't know what to do with myself. My thoughts keep jumping from the idea that maybe I'll manage to get by after all, to the realization that I don't see a future for myself.
My parents were pretty neglecful, sure, I had food to eat and a warm house, but I felt like I was going through emotional hell. Not only did they never taught me any basic knowledge, and then make me feel guilty about it, but they also did all sorts of messed-up things, and I still feel guilty for seeing it as wrong, because I'm not sure if what happened to me can even be considered emotional abuse. Anyway, they had a huge impact on who I became. They ignored my cries for help when I was younger, even when my doctor or school counselor told them I should see a psychiatrist. They told me I was making it up. The first time I was honest with them, they said I wanted to be like my cousin (who was struggling with problems at the time). Then they just ignored everything, saying my fear of school was pointless and no big deal, even after they'd seen me sh because of it more than once. I think the fact that they knew about many of my problems but did nothing about them makes me feel like there's no future for me, and of course it has made my social anxiety and a few other problems worse.
I'm at a point now where I'm afraid to do anything, afraid of being perceived, and I can't go to work because of it, even though I'd really like to. To stop being afraid and to regain my will to live, I need treatment, and that requires money. I'm in a dead-end situation, and even though I have a boyfriend who says he'll support me as soon as he finds a job, I feel guilty that he has to be with me.
I don't know, maybe everything I've written comes down to the fact that I feel guilty for being alive, that I don't deserve it. I just feel useless, to avoid asking for help anymore, I've convinced myself that it's all just laziness and that I'm actually fine, even though all of this is affecting my life. I keep repeating this to myself over and over, and I think that's why I feel even worse.
I really hope I'll be ready soon. I can't go on living in this mental state, which feels like I'm on the edge, one moment I'm telling myself everything's fine, and the next I'm completely devastated.
I've been bottling all this up for years, but I finally had to get it off my chest, even if it came out a little chaotic. Even if no one reads this, it's made me feel a little calmer. If somone will read it, thank you.
I'm trying my best not to give up yet :-)
