TW: discussing SA, gangstalking, mobbing
I'm 32 years old now. I feel like I'm at the end. I did a name change recently, which was my last hope at permanently erasing the harrassment I've gone through, but I'm not happy with it and now it's permanent. I've been through so much, and I think it's really time to leave. I don't think I'm fit for survival. I've done the therapy, the medication, the self help books, none of them have worked enough for me to want to live. It's really just time for me to end it. I have no hope anymore.
So, everything started I guess when I was born. I was pulling my hair out as early as 4 years old, and I had really bad ADHD that wasn't getting treated that caused a lot of social issues for me. I wasn't able to make friends easily at all, and I just felt so lonely. The social issues never got better, and my household became increasingly chaotic and dark. My parents had a close friend I spent a lot of time with around that time, he would go onto rape me and molest me so badly it destroyed my pelvic floor and I would piss and shit myself so much I had to wear diapers sometimes.
Then I had a really bad fall in the shower that gave me a ton of brain damage and the behavioral issues got even worse. My parents never sought treatment for this, I was basically on my own. The entire school avoided me and I'd be sitting alone at lunch at a gigantic table, I'd go home and just cry. I'd make sexual jokes and draw pictures of naked people all the time, probably due to trauma. My family laughed about it and I still didn't get help for anything I was dealing with.
Then I get to middle school, had another really bad fall and got a concussion which worsened the social issues and my school performance really suffered. I was having more and more behavioral issues which weren't getting treated.
Then I end up engaging in COCSA when I was 10 which got filmed by a neighbor. Not only was it shared, but our house started getting vandalized and they spraypainted our garage with "a pedophile lives here" which we had to repaint. They threw rat poison in our backyard to kill our dog. I think it was around this time my computer got hacked into. So they were eavesdropping, logging all of my keystrokes, everything.
Then I get to high school and the mobbing started getting really severe. People basically did whatever they wanted to me. I was laughed at by entire classes howling at me for being ugly, a kid that sat behind me would kick my chair calling me retarded so badly I came home with a bruise on my lower back once. They were all taking candid photos of me and compiling an entire burn book about me. All while watching my internet activity and webcam, of which I was totally unaware of. I was struggling with trichotillomania really badly at that time and I'd get home and just pull my hair out and I had a habit of eating the bulb (common in the disorder). They all saw that. There might have been a 24/7 livestream of me that they would all tune into.
Apparently my internet usage was being tracked by someone who was well-connected to the people at school. They saw me when I was at my absolute lowest. They tracked whatever porn I watched and put it into a folder to make me look like a pervert and a pedophile. They recorded me masturbating. I think once I blacked out and had underwear on my face and I also was asphyxiating myself. I guess I was doing a ton of fucked up things to myself, I didn't remember any of that, but I ended up having to see it along with all of my most private thoughts. I guess they wanted to see if I was downloading CP so they could report me for being in possession of something. They never found anything like that though, so nothing happened, but all of my traffic was getting misconstrued whenever possible. I was on 4chan a lot so they saw that, I watched Toddlers and Tiaras once after having a discussion with someone at school about Honeybooboo, and that ended up getting twisted. I didn't really have friends so I turned to the internet for anything that I was thinking, I lived on the internet, and it was all captured.
I developed a really bad eating disorder at the time to cope with it, hit a 15 BMI, went totally nuts. I would get so cold I could feel it in my bones. I was very controlling about my diet and would only eat about 5 different foods.
The video they took got uploaded to pornhub with my full name and address, along with a fraudulent GoFundMe profiting off of it. Someone who was supposed to be a friend tried breaking up a very close friendship, the only good friendship I had left, I had with someone by showing her a list of the porn I'd watched, along with the photos and videos. She didn't talk to me for a few months after that. That friend ended up forcing her into a kiss which I think gave away that she was trying to create vulnerabilities in order to manipulate her.
After I found out I started a really bad fight where she ended up telling me a lot of information I wasn't privy to. The entire argument was livestreamed and everyone was laughing at me. I should have been removed from my school a long time ago but I never was, my parents never intervened despite seeing so many signs I needed desperate help.
Then I end up meeting a guy online that I fell really deeply in love with, and he ended up being very abusive. We both wrote poetry and had similar backgrounds, I loved him more than I loved anything. He abused me to the point I had a really bad psychotic break. That relationship lasted for about two years. To this day I'd never had feelings like that for someone.
My first job ended up being a trainwreck. I was too traumatized to function. Then I try going to college, I drop out, and didn't really leave my house for a while. I tried to just lay as low as possible and just reach a state where I don't feel so much in danger.
Years pass, I get into another relationship that I wasn't really happy in, then I move back. I try to rebuild my life to make it livable, but my entire past feels like a weight that I can never shake.
I'm barely functional, I kept on going just because I don't want anyone to win this battle except for me, but I've grown so tired of it. I started out as a really high-functioning person, hit most of my milestones early, did well in school from feel like all of the trauma and head injuries has just all totally destroyed me. My last hope was getting a name change to finally do away with all of it for good, I didn't change my first name which was a huge mistake. I thought I could be brave and just own it, but I'm realizing I can't, as soon as someone hears my birth name said out loud and they know someone who knew me when I was at my lowest, it will all start again. My judgement has gotten so poor I did something this permanent that I can't undo. I still have no idea if that hacker still has the file and has held onto it. Although I haven't heard a single thing about it, no one told me anything while it was happening, so I'm aware something major could be going on behind my back without my knowledge.
I've spent so much money on therapy and medication out of my own pocket on my own because I wanted to be and do better. I got baptized, on my own of my own accord. I stopped watching porn, healed the trichotillomania, did a total renovation of my life. I really wanted to lead a better life but that hacker will never see it and it could start all over again.
I've got a boyfriend now but because I've been in such a rut he's going to be breaking up with me in two weeks if I don't get it together. I don't have friends, without him I don't have anyone except my family. I've shared a lot of this with him, and I'm afraid if I'm not connected to him he's going to go digging and try asking around for my burn book and then start hating me too and smearing me again.
The name change going badly and this is just the final straw. I cant do this anymore. It's just been too much for me. I'm in college right now trying it again but I havent been able to focus on my work because I'm still trying to figure out my foundations. I'll probably end up dropping out again
I'm buying a gun and I'm not sure when I'll be using it, but I don't see a way forward. I spent so much of my life being a freak show and a spectacle for people, getting abused myself and passing that on, not having the support and treatment I needed, I feel like my ability to be happy with reality has been torn apart. I don't have any strength left. I don't relate to anything anymore and nothing makes me happy. I've seen and know too much. I'm so beyond isolated socially. It was never supposed to be this way. It's just all wrong.
Posting this to reach anyone who's been through anything similar. Feel free to reach out, I'm always here to support anyone who's been through even a fraction of this.
I'm 32 years old now. I feel like I'm at the end. I did a name change recently, which was my last hope at permanently erasing the harrassment I've gone through, but I'm not happy with it and now it's permanent. I've been through so much, and I think it's really time to leave. I don't think I'm fit for survival. I've done the therapy, the medication, the self help books, none of them have worked enough for me to want to live. It's really just time for me to end it. I have no hope anymore.
So, everything started I guess when I was born. I was pulling my hair out as early as 4 years old, and I had really bad ADHD that wasn't getting treated that caused a lot of social issues for me. I wasn't able to make friends easily at all, and I just felt so lonely. The social issues never got better, and my household became increasingly chaotic and dark. My parents had a close friend I spent a lot of time with around that time, he would go onto rape me and molest me so badly it destroyed my pelvic floor and I would piss and shit myself so much I had to wear diapers sometimes.
Then I had a really bad fall in the shower that gave me a ton of brain damage and the behavioral issues got even worse. My parents never sought treatment for this, I was basically on my own. The entire school avoided me and I'd be sitting alone at lunch at a gigantic table, I'd go home and just cry. I'd make sexual jokes and draw pictures of naked people all the time, probably due to trauma. My family laughed about it and I still didn't get help for anything I was dealing with.
Then I get to middle school, had another really bad fall and got a concussion which worsened the social issues and my school performance really suffered. I was having more and more behavioral issues which weren't getting treated.
Then I end up engaging in COCSA when I was 10 which got filmed by a neighbor. Not only was it shared, but our house started getting vandalized and they spraypainted our garage with "a pedophile lives here" which we had to repaint. They threw rat poison in our backyard to kill our dog. I think it was around this time my computer got hacked into. So they were eavesdropping, logging all of my keystrokes, everything.
Then I get to high school and the mobbing started getting really severe. People basically did whatever they wanted to me. I was laughed at by entire classes howling at me for being ugly, a kid that sat behind me would kick my chair calling me retarded so badly I came home with a bruise on my lower back once. They were all taking candid photos of me and compiling an entire burn book about me. All while watching my internet activity and webcam, of which I was totally unaware of. I was struggling with trichotillomania really badly at that time and I'd get home and just pull my hair out and I had a habit of eating the bulb (common in the disorder). They all saw that. There might have been a 24/7 livestream of me that they would all tune into.
Apparently my internet usage was being tracked by someone who was well-connected to the people at school. They saw me when I was at my absolute lowest. They tracked whatever porn I watched and put it into a folder to make me look like a pervert and a pedophile. They recorded me masturbating. I think once I blacked out and had underwear on my face and I also was asphyxiating myself. I guess I was doing a ton of fucked up things to myself, I didn't remember any of that, but I ended up having to see it along with all of my most private thoughts. I guess they wanted to see if I was downloading CP so they could report me for being in possession of something. They never found anything like that though, so nothing happened, but all of my traffic was getting misconstrued whenever possible. I was on 4chan a lot so they saw that, I watched Toddlers and Tiaras once after having a discussion with someone at school about Honeybooboo, and that ended up getting twisted. I didn't really have friends so I turned to the internet for anything that I was thinking, I lived on the internet, and it was all captured.
I developed a really bad eating disorder at the time to cope with it, hit a 15 BMI, went totally nuts. I would get so cold I could feel it in my bones. I was very controlling about my diet and would only eat about 5 different foods.
The video they took got uploaded to pornhub with my full name and address, along with a fraudulent GoFundMe profiting off of it. Someone who was supposed to be a friend tried breaking up a very close friendship, the only good friendship I had left, I had with someone by showing her a list of the porn I'd watched, along with the photos and videos. She didn't talk to me for a few months after that. That friend ended up forcing her into a kiss which I think gave away that she was trying to create vulnerabilities in order to manipulate her.
After I found out I started a really bad fight where she ended up telling me a lot of information I wasn't privy to. The entire argument was livestreamed and everyone was laughing at me. I should have been removed from my school a long time ago but I never was, my parents never intervened despite seeing so many signs I needed desperate help.
Then I end up meeting a guy online that I fell really deeply in love with, and he ended up being very abusive. We both wrote poetry and had similar backgrounds, I loved him more than I loved anything. He abused me to the point I had a really bad psychotic break. That relationship lasted for about two years. To this day I'd never had feelings like that for someone.
My first job ended up being a trainwreck. I was too traumatized to function. Then I try going to college, I drop out, and didn't really leave my house for a while. I tried to just lay as low as possible and just reach a state where I don't feel so much in danger.
Years pass, I get into another relationship that I wasn't really happy in, then I move back. I try to rebuild my life to make it livable, but my entire past feels like a weight that I can never shake.
I'm barely functional, I kept on going just because I don't want anyone to win this battle except for me, but I've grown so tired of it. I started out as a really high-functioning person, hit most of my milestones early, did well in school from feel like all of the trauma and head injuries has just all totally destroyed me. My last hope was getting a name change to finally do away with all of it for good, I didn't change my first name which was a huge mistake. I thought I could be brave and just own it, but I'm realizing I can't, as soon as someone hears my birth name said out loud and they know someone who knew me when I was at my lowest, it will all start again. My judgement has gotten so poor I did something this permanent that I can't undo. I still have no idea if that hacker still has the file and has held onto it. Although I haven't heard a single thing about it, no one told me anything while it was happening, so I'm aware something major could be going on behind my back without my knowledge.
I've spent so much money on therapy and medication out of my own pocket on my own because I wanted to be and do better. I got baptized, on my own of my own accord. I stopped watching porn, healed the trichotillomania, did a total renovation of my life. I really wanted to lead a better life but that hacker will never see it and it could start all over again.
I've got a boyfriend now but because I've been in such a rut he's going to be breaking up with me in two weeks if I don't get it together. I don't have friends, without him I don't have anyone except my family. I've shared a lot of this with him, and I'm afraid if I'm not connected to him he's going to go digging and try asking around for my burn book and then start hating me too and smearing me again.
The name change going badly and this is just the final straw. I cant do this anymore. It's just been too much for me. I'm in college right now trying it again but I havent been able to focus on my work because I'm still trying to figure out my foundations. I'll probably end up dropping out again
I'm buying a gun and I'm not sure when I'll be using it, but I don't see a way forward. I spent so much of my life being a freak show and a spectacle for people, getting abused myself and passing that on, not having the support and treatment I needed, I feel like my ability to be happy with reality has been torn apart. I don't have any strength left. I don't relate to anything anymore and nothing makes me happy. I've seen and know too much. I'm so beyond isolated socially. It was never supposed to be this way. It's just all wrong.
Posting this to reach anyone who's been through anything similar. Feel free to reach out, I'm always here to support anyone who's been through even a fraction of this.
