zombiegirl
the living dead
- Aug 17, 2023
- 186
for reference: i am normally a 107 lbs 5'4 female
so in the past couple months i've put on a considerable amount of weight. i've no idea the exact number since my mom's taken the scale (as a condition for the hospital to release me). i'm gonna guess around 115 lbs. my stomach is pudgy, my face is chubby.
post-hospitalization, i ate like a pig i won't lie. that's the thing with ED recovery tho; once you let yourself eat, you will not be able to stop yourself--it's literally your body's way of trying to not starve again.
in the past few weeks or so, i've started eating less (not too much less) and choosing healthier options (as healthy as you can get in USA i guess). Now every time i eat something unhealthy, or eat too much, i feel an insane amount of guilt. i'm compulsively exercising again, i'm restricting again, i'm fasting again.
and i'm so terrified i'm gonna fall to the depths of where i was last year: just less than 80 lbs, always sleeping, no energy, severe gatsrointestinal issues... and having my mom cry as she hugged me, scared i was going to die. i don't want that again, god i'm still just processing the trauma of everything (USA psych wards are NOT fun)
i dont know what to do to calm this fear. my reality is torn--i'm trying to recover from mental illness in general, and my brain say "eat good exercise and get sun to feel better" but my anorexia says "ONLY eat small amounts of healthy food, exercise till you pass out, and spend most time outside freezing in the cold so you burn calories"
i just dunno where to draw the line there. it's blurred
like this thread if you really like terraria or if you have an extreme eating disorder
so in the past couple months i've put on a considerable amount of weight. i've no idea the exact number since my mom's taken the scale (as a condition for the hospital to release me). i'm gonna guess around 115 lbs. my stomach is pudgy, my face is chubby.
post-hospitalization, i ate like a pig i won't lie. that's the thing with ED recovery tho; once you let yourself eat, you will not be able to stop yourself--it's literally your body's way of trying to not starve again.
in the past few weeks or so, i've started eating less (not too much less) and choosing healthier options (as healthy as you can get in USA i guess). Now every time i eat something unhealthy, or eat too much, i feel an insane amount of guilt. i'm compulsively exercising again, i'm restricting again, i'm fasting again.
and i'm so terrified i'm gonna fall to the depths of where i was last year: just less than 80 lbs, always sleeping, no energy, severe gatsrointestinal issues... and having my mom cry as she hugged me, scared i was going to die. i don't want that again, god i'm still just processing the trauma of everything (USA psych wards are NOT fun)
i dont know what to do to calm this fear. my reality is torn--i'm trying to recover from mental illness in general, and my brain say "eat good exercise and get sun to feel better" but my anorexia says "ONLY eat small amounts of healthy food, exercise till you pass out, and spend most time outside freezing in the cold so you burn calories"
i just dunno where to draw the line there. it's blurred
like this thread if you really like terraria or if you have an extreme eating disorder
