My diary thread

[golgappa]

7 march 2025
(2:43 Am)

I know tomorrow is gonna be a bad and stressful day, so should I even bother to care? Cause of my laziness, I will lose the deadline again, a disappointment like I always am. I can't even be good at something I'm supposed to be a master in.

15th March is my last day at work. I need to find something else really fast. I don't regret resigning, but now I have to suffer the consequences of it. But I don't understand—if I wanna kill myself, then why do I wanna try? In my mind, I was working to earn some money for the travel just to kill myself, then why? I hate living, I cry every day, I love no one, but still, I wanna try? Every year I start with goals. This year, I even wrote my only goal is to kill myself.

 

[foggyskies_]

I'm really sorry about all the hell you're going through. I'd say there's some worth in trying, even for a little while. That desire is a part of you saying it still wants to experience things, regardless of what you decide. I don't think you're lazy either. Intense pain, hating life as much as you do... Nobody can get work done in a state like that. Even if they're a master, your hands and brain don't align when you're sick.

Work, deadlines, success are all man-made creations. We were made to enjoy life, not to be parts of a machine. Simply existing is success from an evolutionary standpoint. Maybe after you leave your job, it'll give some much needed time to rest and reflect?

I hope you find peace wherever you end up. ♡

 

[golgappa]

Same day

(5:58 PM)

Not much happened at work, but I just lost a friend—or at least, I thought he was a friend. He blatantly told me he was surprised he hadn't blocked me yet. Naturally, anyone would be curious if someone they considered a friend said something like that, so I asked why he was saying those things. We had been joking around, so I wanted to clarify. He responded, "If this topic ever came up before, I would have said the same thing."

And I don't know—something just flipped in my head. I removed him from everything—my life, Instagram, WhatsApp. My list of friends keeps getting smaller, and I don't know why. I always get the wrong idea, thinking we're close friends, but the other person never seems to think so.