unrulydeerly
stuck in the haze that is my reality
- Jun 29, 2026
- 10
I've stayed off this website for a while due to multiple reason but I guess I'm back. Not my brightest idea but talking to my therapist about some of these things is going to get me admitted and I have things I need to do like paying bills.
There is a part of me that's desperate to continue on, to create, to learn but it's all drowned out when I have to face reality. I'm currently on a leave and not working but I don't know if I can keep working. It drains me emotionally and physically so much that I just can't deal with it anymore. I have things I want to do and things I care about, but I feel like I've already experienced enough, that it isn't worth the effort anymore.
I've had attempts in the past that were prevented or led to hospitalization but they were basically all impulsive acts. It's been over a decade from my first thoughts and attempt but I'm only 21, it's so tiring. Now my thoughts have become much more serious and planned out. I've put together a plan and while I need to work some of the details out it's pretty solid. I've been testing hanging and choking myself to try to make sure I'll have it down when the time comes. I have multiple methods I'm able to choose the day of but it'll most likely be jumping or hanging. I don't really want to do it but I think I'm a lot more ready.
I have so many mental and physical issues on top of being neurodivergent, trans, and queer. I was just fucked from the beginning. I've tried to keep going for so long but it doesn't feel worth it at this point. I've lost connection with basically everyone I care about, partly due to social isolation and also just because I started to not tolerate shitty behavior from those around me. I don't have many responsibilities besides my pets but I have someone who's going to be able to take care of them and bring them wherever they need to go. The only issue is getting my money to my roommate so he's able to pay for my cats and rent so he doesn't have to deal with all the problems of ending a lease early.
During all of this I keep crying for help by going to the hospital and therapy programs but most of issues are so ingrained into society that it feels impossible to deal with them. I just want to live a good life but I don't think that's going to be possible and I don't want to suffer
There is a part of me that's desperate to continue on, to create, to learn but it's all drowned out when I have to face reality. I'm currently on a leave and not working but I don't know if I can keep working. It drains me emotionally and physically so much that I just can't deal with it anymore. I have things I want to do and things I care about, but I feel like I've already experienced enough, that it isn't worth the effort anymore.
I've had attempts in the past that were prevented or led to hospitalization but they were basically all impulsive acts. It's been over a decade from my first thoughts and attempt but I'm only 21, it's so tiring. Now my thoughts have become much more serious and planned out. I've put together a plan and while I need to work some of the details out it's pretty solid. I've been testing hanging and choking myself to try to make sure I'll have it down when the time comes. I have multiple methods I'm able to choose the day of but it'll most likely be jumping or hanging. I don't really want to do it but I think I'm a lot more ready.
I have so many mental and physical issues on top of being neurodivergent, trans, and queer. I was just fucked from the beginning. I've tried to keep going for so long but it doesn't feel worth it at this point. I've lost connection with basically everyone I care about, partly due to social isolation and also just because I started to not tolerate shitty behavior from those around me. I don't have many responsibilities besides my pets but I have someone who's going to be able to take care of them and bring them wherever they need to go. The only issue is getting my money to my roommate so he's able to pay for my cats and rent so he doesn't have to deal with all the problems of ending a lease early.
During all of this I keep crying for help by going to the hospital and therapy programs but most of issues are so ingrained into society that it feels impossible to deal with them. I just want to live a good life but I don't think that's going to be possible and I don't want to suffer
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