Venting My depression made me hate my dad.

[Didn't do NUFFIN]

So my parents were separate when i was born but both of them were in my life, i would spend half of my time with my mother and my other half with my dad. My mother was a piece of shit and constantly abused me both psychically and mentally, i also had a older sister who bullied me, but anyway my dad was great, he was always so kind to me, ever since i was a kid i loved him more than anyone else, we weren't just father and son, we were best friends, he was the only person who seemed to care about me. But when i was around 16 (im 18 now) i started to get depression, i spent more time alone in my room and lost interest in all of my hobbies, i began to get into more fight's with him, while we were becoming more distant, i still loved him. But fast forward to now and i don't just have depression but constant suicidal thoughts, it has made my life a living hell, it seems like every day i end up having a mental breakdown in my room crying before i go to bed, praying i don't wake up tomorrow. And my father doesn't do anything to help me, the most he did was contact circle's of care so they could give me some shitty medication that doesn't do shit. It seems like he is just trying to ignore everything im going through, which hurts me so fucking bad because i already feel so alone. I was planning to CTB a few months ago but the day before i was about to CTB he noticed scars on my leg from self harm, i told him about my suicidal thoughts and told him how ignoring me and not making an effort to help has really hurt me badly, he started crying and told me that he's so sorry and he would try his best to help me. HE DIDN'T DO SHIT, he went right back to ignoring me and getting mad and judging me whenever i don't feel like doing anything, he always try's to force me to go to public places but i get very uncomfortable when I'm around people i don't know, it makes me so fucking uncomfortable to be around a large group of people, but he always gets mad at me whenever i tell him that and he just tells me to get over it. He knows im so close to CTB yet he doesn't make any effort to help me, do you have any idea what that has done to my already little self esteem? I don't really want to live anymore but I'm not sure when I'm going to CTB, but i do know that my dad has only increased my desire to do it, because i want to hurt him so badly and make him regret how little he has done to help me. I FUCKING HATE HIM. But i want to know, does this make me a bad person?

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

No, you probably attached to him when you were younger bc he was comparatively better than your mother but now you're seeing his true colors. It's very common in children bc it's hard to live with NO ONE so the child makes up that the less abusive parent (even by negligence and allowing your other family to abuse you) loves them. It's too painful to not be loved.