My death may kill my father…

[deepinlimbo]

I look at my dad now and it's like he's aged 20 years. He's lost weight and he's so stressed. I've always looked up to him and no father is perfect but he has always done his best for me and never let me down. I feel so ashamed to be his son. I wish I could be a better son. Am I evil for wanting to leave this world because I can't handle these thoughts and being such a failure?

he says to me if I was well again he would feel better, that I make him happy, he's not guilt tripping me, he genuinely loves me and would lay his life down for me. I feel so terrible. It's just one of my reasons I can't stand to live anymore

 

[BlankUser]

No, you're not evil for wanting to escape your pain. Life is very complicated. Someone is always bound to suffer, because there's no justice in this life. It's obvious that you care about your father a lot, but your pain prevents you to enjoy your life. Many people are torn apart in these types of situations. Have you tried to talk to him, heart to heart? Have you tried to get any help?

 

[deepinlimbo]

No, you're not evil for wanting to escape your pain. Life is very complicated. Someone is always bound to suffer, because there's no justice in this life. It's obvious that you care about your father a lot, but your pain prevents you to enjoy your life. Many people are torn apart in these types of situations. Have you tried to talk to him, heart to heart? Have you tried to get any help?

He wants me to seek more help, I didn't want counselling though because I said it can't resolve my physical symptoms and I said I may try doctors again but I worry about what they will say. It's like I don't need confirmation of what I already feel I know. We talk but it's the worst relationship we've ever had and we have always been close. I love him a lot and I feel so bad. I've only made him the way he is. It's my fault really, he wouldn't accept that though.

thanks :)

 

[BlankUser]

He wants me to seek more help, I didn't want counselling though because I said it can't resolve my physical symptoms and I said I may try doctors again but I worry about what they will say. It's like I don't need confirmation of what I already feel I know. We talk but it's the worst relationship we've ever had and we have always been close. I love him a lot and I feel so bad. I've only made him the way he is. It's my fault really, he wouldn't accept that though.

thanks :)

If you think there's anything that could help you to improve your life quality, then you should try it. Maybe getting the opinion from the doctors one more time could reassure you that you really try your best.
And don't blame yourself for stressing your dad and worsening your relationship with him. It's not your fault. You didn't choose your situation. Life is unfair and some things are out of control. You're not a bad son, you were just dealt bad cards in life.
It's always a really tough situation when a loved one is involved. It's a really tough dilemma.

 

[deepinlimbo]

If you think there's anything that could help you to improve your life quality, then you should try it. Maybe getting the opinion from the doctors one more time could reassure you that you really try your best.
And don't blame yourself for stressing your dad and worsening your relationship with him. It's not your fault. You didn't choose your situation. Life is unfair and some things are out of control. You're not a bad son, you were just dealt bad cards in life.
It's always a really tough situation when a loved one is involved. It's a really tough dilemma.

Thankyou for your kind words. I don't have a bad family so it makes my whole situation worse

 

[grungeCat]

I just wanted to say that I don't feel good about my father's health as well. Recent death of my mother (so his wife) made his mental state much worse so my CTB can be too much for him. I don't him to suffer but I don't to want suffer myself either. I know he's going to grieve after my death... I know he's gonna be in pain. I don't know how to feel about that

 

[Free_me]

Honestly why I'm just waiting at this point. I'm in my 30s now and figure I can struggle along for another 20 years before calling it. Give time for parents to pass peacefully at old age and time for my nieces and nephews to get into adulthood so they understand better. Already have succeeded at putting distance between myself and my family so those surviving will have a lessened toll.

Sorry I don't have anything else to offer, but I understand your position, for what it's worth.

 

[deepinlimbo]

I just wanted to say that I don't feel good about my father's health as well. Recent death of my mother (so his wife) made his mental state much worse so my CTB can be too much for him. I don't him to suffer but I don't to want suffer myself either. I know he's going to grieve after my death... I know he's gonna be in pain. I don't know how to feel about that

One of the reasons Why I feel so trapped

Honestly why I'm just waiting at this point. I'm in my 30s now and figure I can struggle along for another 20 years before calling it. Give time for parents to pass peacefully at old age and time for my nieces and nephews to get into adulthood so they understand better. Already have succeeded at putting distance between myself and my family so those surviving will have a lessened toll.

Sorry I don't have anything else to offer, but I understand your position, for what it's worth.

I wish I could wait, I admire your courage and determination to keep going. I just hate having to keep putting distance between me and my father and family as a whole. We have always been tight knit and loving, so to act like this breaks us apart, my home right now is like this depressing silence.

No it's helpful. I appreciate your input and Thankyou. :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, it is certainly a difficult situation to be in. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end ours it passes it on to someone else, and that is the sad part about it. Life is painful. You are not evil or a failure, all you want is to be free from whatever pain this life has given you. Personally, in my case I would never suffer for the sake of others, I would put myself first. Sometimes there is only so much we can take. I know how hard it is though.

 

[deepinlimbo]

Yeah, it is certainly a difficult situation to be in. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end ours it passes it on to someone else, and that is the sad part about it. Life is painful. You are not evil or a failure, all you want is to be free from whatever pain this life has given you. Personally, in my case I would never suffer for the sake of others, I would put myself first. Sometimes there is only so much we can take. I know how hard it is though.

Thanks, I do agree we have to think of our own suffering but it is a cycle. Hard to know when to let it end and how to let it end. Why I just wish something Natural or man made and quick could take me out.

 

[ElizabethsFault]

I look at my dad now and it's like he's aged 20 years. He's lost weight and he's so stressed. I've always looked up to him and no father is perfect but he has always done his best for me and never let me down. I feel so ashamed to be his son. I wish I could be a better son. Am I evil for wanting to leave this world because I can't handle these thoughts and being such a failure?

he says to me if I was well again he would feel better, that I make him happy, he's not guilt tripping me, he genuinely loves me and would lay his life down for me. I feel so terrible. It's just one of my reasons I can't stand to live anymore