Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
(Posting in recovery bc I am not sure wtf I am doing anymore tbh)
Sooo got some $$$ and finally took an uber to get some incense!! And I got my friend a cool crystal bracelet. I want to send it to her plus some like pictures of her cats that I took and some pictures of hoar frost/snowy trees bc she likes those kinda things... as a like second part to her bday gift. All I've given her so far was a poem I wrote about her. Im big on gifts and love giving and with the kinda person and friend she is she deserves this. Im not rich so im tryna give what I can ya kno?
I realized I am either gonna end up using the nitrogen method or attempting hanging but nitrogen would be preferred butttt I have to wait till the end of the month for the money to even buy it
so im stickin around for awhile...
Or I'm going to just take a dramatic & selfish break and come back from this trying to live... I'm not sure anymore and that's ok with me.
I got incense, some snacks and I have some cannabis products coming soon. Then gonna order dinner. So I'm doin good tbh given all things considered.
Actually ya kno what im not doing good..I'm just feelin ok right now. I'm not gonna gloss over my pain anymore.
Came back and showered with incense. Feeling very relaxed & comfortable. Best I've felt in awhile. Aromatherapy def has some merit.
Im gonna keep watching youtube videos and wait for my cannabis order bc I don't really have an appetite rn. Its been 12 hrs since I ate but I am not ready to eat yet and def need the cannabis to help with appetite.
I feel guilty but not as much as usual. I do deserve comfort, nice things, relaxation and to feel good even when Im suicidal.
My family may have taught me otherwise but I am changing/working on changing that narrative.
Plus with this calm it will help keep my brain in a place to properly plan or decide to live again.
Plus I did the dishes finally.
Lots of wins today and feelin very ok with it all/kinda excited...
Maybe I can live again but I think this break is about more than that. Its about allowing myself to float in the inbetween and being ok with it. Its about not deciding right now and being ok with that as well. Its just about... me? Myself? I dunno gathering the pieces of me? I dunno.
But yee that's my day.
Sooo got some $$$ and finally took an uber to get some incense!! And I got my friend a cool crystal bracelet. I want to send it to her plus some like pictures of her cats that I took and some pictures of hoar frost/snowy trees bc she likes those kinda things... as a like second part to her bday gift. All I've given her so far was a poem I wrote about her. Im big on gifts and love giving and with the kinda person and friend she is she deserves this. Im not rich so im tryna give what I can ya kno?
I realized I am either gonna end up using the nitrogen method or attempting hanging but nitrogen would be preferred butttt I have to wait till the end of the month for the money to even buy it
so im stickin around for awhile...Or I'm going to just take a dramatic & selfish break and come back from this trying to live... I'm not sure anymore and that's ok with me.
I got incense, some snacks and I have some cannabis products coming soon. Then gonna order dinner. So I'm doin good tbh given all things considered.
Actually ya kno what im not doing good..I'm just feelin ok right now. I'm not gonna gloss over my pain anymore.
Came back and showered with incense. Feeling very relaxed & comfortable. Best I've felt in awhile. Aromatherapy def has some merit.
Im gonna keep watching youtube videos and wait for my cannabis order bc I don't really have an appetite rn. Its been 12 hrs since I ate but I am not ready to eat yet and def need the cannabis to help with appetite.
I feel guilty but not as much as usual. I do deserve comfort, nice things, relaxation and to feel good even when Im suicidal.
My family may have taught me otherwise but I am changing/working on changing that narrative.
Plus with this calm it will help keep my brain in a place to properly plan or decide to live again.
Plus I did the dishes finally.
Lots of wins today and feelin very ok with it all/kinda excited...
Maybe I can live again but I think this break is about more than that. Its about allowing myself to float in the inbetween and being ok with it. Its about not deciding right now and being ok with that as well. Its just about... me? Myself? I dunno gathering the pieces of me? I dunno.
But yee that's my day.
