Story My dad's drinking

[guinea-pig]

My dad has been a functioning alcoholic my whole life. He would be able to go to work and everything but he wasn't there that much because of his drinking. He was never terrible when drinking, he wouldn't abuse us or anything, he would just act like he wasn't there when he would drink which fucked me up because he was there but absent at the same time. There's only one thing I remember that he would do with me and my brother when we were younger, we had a show we watched together and he'd drink but he'd talk to us about the show and sometimes order a pizza late at night just to have fun. The rest of my memories are just him sitting on the couch watching tv or wandering around the house for the most part. He never showed up when it mattered and would just blame work. He did start trying more when I got older but the damage was done.

He will never stop either. There are two big situations in his life that just I can name that should have made him fucking change but he was the same and still continues to drink. The first one is that my brother admitted the reason he talked to older guys (and got kidnapped because of it) was because he was missing that love in his life and was just searching for it anywhere, that wasn't a wake up call. The second was the worst, he had sex with/raped (I don't know to be honest) my mom while she was drunk too in front of my little brother in a hotel room. They were black out. He said he would stop drinking for that but he didn't.

The smaller things add up too, he pisses and shits on the toilet seat when he is drunk and won't clean it up. I actually talked to my mom about that because I had to clean a puddle of piss from the floor one day. He also blames his nastiness on me. He had bloody piss for a while (I know he had gout, probably caused by drinking) and my little brother talked to him about it and he said that it was me. My brother knew it wasn't but that is so embarrassing.

There is so much that has effected me because of his drinking but I can't go into it all. I just wish he would have realized how badly it messed me up before it was too late. I can see he wants to try to have a relationship now but it is too late I have too much resentment. I can't get over things. I just hate it because when I kill myself I'm going to die not really being close to my dad. It hurts. I just always wanted the normal family where we are close, have family dinners, hug, say I love you, etc.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Personally, I think you need to talk about it with others who can not just sympathize with you, but, more importantly empathize with you. If I were in your shoes, I would find a local chapter of Al-Anon and start going to the meetings. Those groups are here in the US. I don't know if they are located in other countries, but I'm sure something similar is available for most. Al-Anon is an anonymous group whereby those affected by a loved ones drinking, or even drug use, can get together and talk about their feelings and get advice from others going through the same type of situations. Maybe it would help you reach a better perspective on things before you kill yourself, and, at least, reach some kind of peace in this regard so you don't have to carry this anguish to the grave.