Venting my dad is suicidal

[leaftomb]

i've had suicidal friends, but i never thought i'd see my dad in this situation. he is getting old and he's lonely, he has lived in our town for 20 years yet he doesn't know anyone here. i know he's been struggling with mental health for a while, but it has never been quite this bad. today, his psychiatrist decided he wasn't fit to work for now. he has to drive most of the time for his job, and he admitted that "dark thoughts" often take over. he's out of it all the time, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat. it pains me to see him like that. i found a bloody tissue in the trash too and i'm worried he hurts himself, which i think he might've been doing in the past too. this feels like a stupid thing to post but there is really no one i can talk to about this. it feels weird saying that while actively planning to CTB, but i wish my dad could see how much he matters and i wish it was enough to help him get better.
i guess as long as i'm here i'll just be wishing for better days