My dad is actively dying and im too mentally ill to see him

[dust-in-the-wind]

I suffer major depression and been practically bedridden for 2 years. My dad just turned 79 and fell and broke his hip on Xmas, plus he has dementia.(getting old is horrific) He is on hospice and will pass this week. He lives in another state. My sister is flying out to see him tomorrow. My father and I have been estranged for 20 years but I would go see him, if I wasn't so ill. Or would I, I don't know. Kind of being a hypocrite to show up at the last minute anyway. Let's hope I have no regrets. I SO wish I was dying instead. Thanks for letting me vent where I won't be judged for not going to see him.

 

[hearball]

sad . can't imagine to see my parents like that so i will pull the trig instead .

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I hope it all works out, and trust me... It's so hard dealing with relationships, and if he was a great influence in some parts of your life, see him, especially as he is losing memory. It's okay you delt with stuff... You have every right by choice if to vent or to share your feelings on here, especially on a sensitive subject. Hope all goes well ((:

 

[needthebus]

I suffer major depression and been practically bedridden for 2 years. My dad just turned 79 and fell and broke his hip on Xmas, plus he has dementia.(getting old is horrific) He is on hospice and will pass this week. He lives in another state. My sister is flying out to see him tomorrow. My father and I have been estranged for 20 years but I would go see him, if I wasn't so ill. Or would I, I don't know. Kind of being a hypocrite to show up at the last minute anyway. Let's hope I have no regrets. I SO wish I was dying instead. Thanks for letting me vent where I won't be judged for not going to see him.

Would you feel better if you called and talked on speakerphone or did a video call?

From all your posts here, and I've read a lot of them, you are an extremely level-headed person who just has severe depression. If you haven't spoken with him in a while, there's probably been a very underable reason, this is just my guess. You seem very sensible. I am guessing he did some uncool stuff, to put it mildly.

I don't think it would be a hypocrite to talk to him. Figuring out how to deal with parents that were at times terrible is not an easy task. It's a bit of a damned if you do damned if you don't situation, at least for me. I often feel like if I let them in, it usually leads to more bullshit, and if I don't, I feel guilty or envy those with stronger family bonds.

I just do the best I can, making choices realizing all of them aren't great options. Clearly it isn't great since I'm on here. lol.

I think a question to ask iswhat's going to bother you more in 6 months, saying a last goodbye by phone and patching things up (with the risk of him being inappropriate or being angry or rude) or not saying anything and possibly feeling like you could have said more. It's not easy either way and this would be a difficult choice for anyone.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I'm so sorry for your situation, and I'm also worried about my similar situation. In any case, you don't have to feel guilty, because at the point we've reached, coherence is the right thing to do. We grew up conditioned to do what others wanted, but now there's no longer any reason to worry about other people's judgment. Be strong.

 

[Worndown]

You need to do what is best for you.
Dementia takes away the person you were estranged from. Much like a cicada molting and leaving an empty shell behind. It is unlikely you will get a Hallmark movie reconciliation.
Talk to your sister once she sees him. Then you will know what is best.