My Dad has passed away and I just want to die, once and for all.

[Biggie]

Over the last few weeks, my life has just completely crashed around me once and for all. Completely unexpectedly to everyone, my Dad has just passed away after contracting this evil virus. It has absolutely broken me. He is my hero and best friend. Within 7 days he went from being full of happiness, health, love, and life to gone. He was 62 and had so much more left in him. None of this feels real and all I want to do is to finally be at peace and free from the constant pain. When I heard the news, I was on my own and took an overdose. I knew that it would be nowhere near enough to kill me and is not my preferred method (for reference, SN is), but I was just so desperate for the pain to stop.

I turn 21 at the end of this month and the thought of doing so without him makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been fighting with depression and the urge kill myself for years now, even before this incident but now I feel as though this is it. I just want to die, this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't put into words how painful it is losing a parent, especially in such an unexpected, fast, isolated, and horrific way. The one thing that this has shown me is the impact my suicide would have on loved ones. It would be extremely hard on them and I would never want them to go through that pain, but I am so desperate. Relatives have told me if I was to CTB, their lives would be over and they would too (which makes me feel even more depressed and suicidal).

Just wanted to share and hear everybody's thoughts. This past six months I've been the lowest I've been in my life and I've had enough. Its as though as soon as I feel my life is getting back on track and I get over something awful that's happened to me, something twice as bad is thrown my way and the cycle repeats. There is no escape and I am exhausted. I feel as though this is my time. I've felt so strongly about ending my life over the past several years, I don't think I will (or want to) make it past 25. I just want to be with my Dad - this isn't a world I want to live in.

Biggie

 

[Cancún]

terrible , i have a incurable illnes , and i want to die before my dad pass away , i almost a cripple and i dont have feeling so its gonna be terrible

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear that, it sucks losing a parent I know the feeling very well

peace/hugs

 

[K-O]

Over the last few weeks, my life has just completely crashed around me once and for all. Completely unexpectedly to everyone, my Dad has just passed away after contracting this evil virus. It has absolutely broken me. He is my hero and best friend. Within 7 days he went from being full of happiness, health, love, and life to gone. He was 62 and had so much more left in him. None of this feels real and all I want to do is to finally be at peace and free from the constant pain. When I heard the news, I was on my own and took an overdose. I knew that it would be nowhere near enough to kill me and is not my preferred method (for reference, SN is), but I was just so desperate for the pain to stop.

I turn 21 at the end of this month and the thought of doing so without him makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been fighting with depression and the urge kill myself for years now, even before this incident but now I feel as though this is it. I just want to die, this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't put into words how painful it is losing a parent, especially in such an unexpected, fast, isolated, and horrific way. The one thing that this has shown me is the impact my suicide would have on loved ones. It would be extremely hard on them and I would never want them to go through that pain, but I am so desperate. Relatives have told me if I was to CTB, their lives would be over and they would too (which makes me feel even more depressed and suicidal).

Just wanted to share and hear everybody's thoughts. This past six months I've been the lowest I've been in my life and I've had enough. Its as though as soon as I feel my life is getting back on track and I get over something awful that's happened to me, something twice as bad is thrown my way and the cycle repeats. There is no escape and I am exhausted. I feel as though this is my time. I've felt so strongly about ending my life over the past several years, I don't think I will (or want to) make it past 25. I just want to be with my Dad - this isn't a world I want to live in.

Biggie

I FEEL U BIGGIE I WANNA GIVE U A BIGGIE HUG.. MAY DAD REST IN PEACE WITH BIGGIE SENIOR X

 

[ManWithNoName]

Over the last few weeks, my life has just completely crashed around me once and for all. Completely unexpectedly to everyone, my Dad has just passed away after contracting this evil virus. It has absolutely broken me. He is my hero and best friend. Within 7 days he went from being full of happiness, health, love, and life to gone. He was 62 and had so much more left in him. None of this feels real and all I want to do is to finally be at peace and free from the constant pain. When I heard the news, I was on my own and took an overdose. I knew that it would be nowhere near enough to kill me and is not my preferred method (for reference, SN is), but I was just so desperate for the pain to stop.

I turn 21 at the end of this month and the thought of doing so without him makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been fighting with depression and the urge kill myself for years now, even before this incident but now I feel as though this is it. I just want to die, this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't put into words how painful it is losing a parent, especially in such an unexpected, fast, isolated, and horrific way. The one thing that this has shown me is the impact my suicide would have on loved ones. It would be extremely hard on them and I would never want them to go through that pain, but I am so desperate. Relatives have told me if I was to CTB, their lives would be over and they would too (which makes me feel even more depressed and suicidal).

Just wanted to share and hear everybody's thoughts. This past six months I've been the lowest I've been in my life and I've had enough. Its as though as soon as I feel my life is getting back on track and I get over something awful that's happened to me, something twice as bad is thrown my way and the cycle repeats. There is no escape and I am exhausted. I feel as though this is my time. I've felt so strongly about ending my life over the past several years, I don't think I will (or want to) make it past 25. I just want to be with my Dad - this isn't a world I want to live in.

Biggie

I'm sorry to hear this—hang in there. It's easier said than done, but hang in there.

 

[frostedreef]

Sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like there's a lot of people who love you and be devastated if you CTB. Is there a chance any of them can help you with your issues? You're very young. I'd give anything to do a do over and be as young as you again.

 

[bpdandme]

I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[Squiddy]

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for your loss. If I ever lost one of my parents, I'd want to ctb even more

 

[Biggie]

Thank you for your messages all
This is the best community going, sending peace and love to you all.

 

[Donk]

sorry for your loss biggie. fuck covid19!

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of ur beloved father to this horrible virus ..I also lost my dear dad a few yrs ago n can understand n empathize with the pain n void that losing a loving parent creates..

I have no words that can make u feel betta about such a great loss, but just know that I am here for u..Sending u love and strength♡♡♡

 

[terry_a_davis]

Sending you virtual hugs OP

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Over the last few weeks, my life has just completely crashed around me once and for all. Completely unexpectedly to everyone, my Dad has just passed away after contracting this evil virus. It has absolutely broken me. He is my hero and best friend. Within 7 days he went from being full of happiness, health, love, and life to gone. He was 62 and had so much more left in him. None of this feels real and all I want to do is to finally be at peace and free from the constant pain. When I heard the news, I was on my own and took an overdose. I knew that it would be nowhere near enough to kill me and is not my preferred method (for reference, SN is), but I was just so desperate for the pain to stop.

I turn 21 at the end of this month and the thought of doing so without him makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been fighting with depression and the urge kill myself for years now, even before this incident but now I feel as though this is it. I just want to die, this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't put into words how painful it is losing a parent, especially in such an unexpected, fast, isolated, and horrific way. The one thing that this has shown me is the impact my suicide would have on loved ones. It would be extremely hard on them and I would never want them to go through that pain, but I am so desperate. Relatives have told me if I was to CTB, their lives would be over and they would too (which makes me feel even more depressed and suicidal).

Just wanted to share and hear everybody's thoughts. This past six months I've been the lowest I've been in my life and I've had enough. Its as though as soon as I feel my life is getting back on track and I get over something awful that's happened to me, something twice as bad is thrown my way and the cycle repeats. There is no escape and I am exhausted. I feel as though this is my time. I've felt so strongly about ending my life over the past several years, I don't think I will (or want to) make it past 25. I just want to be with my Dad - this isn't a world I want to live in.

Biggie

I'm so very sorry. I lost my dad and my mum. It's horrendous. But now you face this out of the blue on top of everything else.
If you go too you are right it will crush your loved ones. But I know, the pain is immense and beyond a certain point it's as if nothing matters.
I hope you can find the courage to stay at least for a while and grieve with your loved ones. You all need each other right now.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

62 is too young to go.. I'm sorry for your loss. Does your dad have any other health conditions?

 

[AMorteVivente]

You are living my worst nightmare. I would definitely ctb if that happened to me, I can't believe life can be so cruel (when you thought you had seen everything...). I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Biggie]

Sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like there's a lot of people who love you and be devastated if you CTB. Is there a chance any of them can help you with your issues? You're very young. I'd give anything to do a do over and be as young as you again.

Thank you. Honestly mate this is what makes it so difficult. I'm very fortunate to have people that say they love me around me, and I love them too, but it doesn't feel enough in comparison to the hurt and pain. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that pain I'm going through after losing my Dad less than two weeks ago and I'd feel very selfish, but what kind of a reason is that to keep me alive? Solely to not make others upset Many have tried to help, but most don't understand it at all, hence why I'm here - a safe place where I can be completely open and honest about my feelings without anybody getting freaked out.

My therapist tells me I'm very young too (to be considering suicide), but I feel so old and exhausted. I've fought with this since an even younger age and I just don't want to see any more of what life has to offer.

sorry for your loss biggie. fuck covid19!

Thank you idonk. Absolutely horrible virus. It's making so many people widows and orphans. It's ruthless, it seems to be targeting the good people, not the evil ones that walk amongst this earth :(

I wish I could get it to in place of someone else who wants to live. I'd do anything to swap places with my Dad.

I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of ur beloved father to this horrible virus ..I also lost my dear dad a few yrs ago n can understand n empathize with the pain n void that losing a loving parent creates..

I have no words that can make u feel betta about such a great loss, but just know that I am here for u..Sending u love and strength♡♡♡

Thank you my friend, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss too.
People keep telling me it gets easier, but I don't believe it and don't want it to either way, I just wish I could go too.

I'm so very sorry. I lost my dad and my mum. It's horrendous. But now you face this out of the blue on top of everything else.
If you go too you are right it will crush your loved ones. But I know, the pain is immense and beyond a certain point it's as if nothing matters.
I hope you can find the courage to stay at least for a while and grieve with your loved ones. You all need each other right now.

Very sorry to hear about your losses friend, I can't even imagine losing both parents.

I don't think I will be going anytime soon as I need to properly prepare and ensure I have all of my affairs in order first, but the longer I'm here the harder living gets. I'm sure within the next few years I will have found peace. Talking on here certainly makes the whole experience much easier.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Thank you my friend, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss too.
People keep telling me it gets easier, but I don't believe it and don't want it to either way, I just wish I could go too.

I don't wanna say it gets "easier." It gets more bearable..♡

 

[Biggie]

62 is too young to go.. I'm sorry for your loss. Does your dad have any other health conditions?

Thank you mate. My Dad was diabetic and I found out after he first tested positive and was put into a coma that he had heart arrhythmia treatment operations last year (didn't tell me or my sibling as he didn't want to worry us) but other than that, he was a very strong and healthy man.

What is heartbreaking is that he worked extremely hard all of his career and was so close to retirement. He and my step-mother dreamt about fleeing to their beloved home in France that they have spent years renovating to live an easy life in the countryside once they had retired. But now all of that was in vain and it puts everything into perspective.

 

[Brackenshire]

My heart goes out to you biggie

 

[Anon2662]

I am so sorry for your loss Thinking of you!

 

[frostedreef]

Thank you. Honestly mate this is what makes it so difficult. I'm very fortunate to have people that say they love me around me, and I love them too, but it doesn't feel enough in comparison to the hurt and pain. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that pain I'm going through after losing my Dad less than two weeks ago and I'd feel very selfish, but what kind of a reason is that to keep me alive? Solely to not make others upset Many have tried to help, but most don't understand it at all, hence why I'm here - a safe place where I can be completely open and honest about my feelings without anybody getting freaked out.

My therapist tells me I'm very young too (to be considering suicide), but I feel so old and exhausted. I've fought with this since an even younger age and I just don't want to see any more of what life has to offer.

@Biggie I read your intro. I'm 60 and was also going through mood swings and depression at your age. But there were neither SS nor internet back then so I never thought about CTB. It must hurt losing a dad at your age. I lost mine at 9 yrs old and found out my mom had him killed when she died 25 years ago. But at the end of the day, none of these events is my reason for CTB.

I'm glad you have us and a therapist to talk to. And hopefully talking is all you need to feel better. You're young, sound intelligent and compassionate. You still have a full life ahead of you. Just imagine what you can accomplish and the people you can help.

 

[Biggie]

@Biggie I read your intro. I'm 60 and was also going through mood swings and depression at your age. But there were neither SS nor internet back then so I never thought about CTB. It must hurt losing a dad at your age. I lost mine at 9 yrs old and found out my mom had him killed when she died 25 years ago. But at the end of the day, none of these events is my reason for CTB.

I'm glad you have us and a therapist to talk to. And hopefully talking is all you need to feel better. You're young, sound intelligent and compassionate. You still have a full life ahead of you. Just imagine what you can accomplish and the people you can help.

Thank you frostedreef, people like you are what keep people like me going. I'm very sorry to hear about your story and I'm glad you're still with us despite all the trauma. I can't even imagine how hard going through this at the age of 20 forty years ago would have been, when mental health was even more of a taboo subject and unaccepted.

How did you survive your darkest times in the past?

 

[frostedreef]

Thank you frostedreef, people like you are what keep people like me going. I'm very sorry to hear about your story and I'm glad you're still with us despite all the trauma. I can't even imagine how hard going through this at the age of 20 forty years ago would have been, when mental health was even more of a taboo subject and unaccepted.

How did you survive your darkest times in the past?

Knowing I somehow helped someone today just made my day.

I was too young at 9 to know what was going on when my dad passed. And I had to take care of my aunt who dedicated her life helping my mom raise us. But I did put my 45 cal against my head for a couple of seconds.

Thank you frostedreef, people like you are what keep people like me going. I'm very sorry to hear about your story and I'm glad you're still with us despite all the trauma. I can't even imagine how hard going through this at the age of 20 forty years ago would have been, when mental health was even more of a taboo subject and unaccepted.

How did you survive your darkest times in the past?

On how I managed coping in my 20's 40 years ago...

Its not that CTB was taboo. Suicide at that age back then was unheard off. Times have definitely changed is all I can say.
I guess I survived through self medicating (ie drugs )

 

[Biggie]

Knowing I somehow helped someone today just made my day.

I was too young at 9 to know what was going on when my dad passed. And I had to take care of my aunt who dedicated her life helping my mom raise us. But I did put my 45 cal against my head for a couple of seconds.

You're helping more people than you know friend, thank you

 

[BlackPoppet]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. May he rest in peace. I lost my mum almost 2 years ago to Bronchial pneumonia. Completely out of the blue. Passed in her sleep. She was 63. Once again my condolences. Big hug to you.

 

[Biggie]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. May he rest in peace. I lost my mum almost 2 years ago to Bronchial pneumonia. Completely out of the blue. Passed in her sleep. She was 63. Once again my condolences. Big hug to you.

Thank you BlackPoppet, I'm very sorry to hear about your Mom too, it's heartbreaking. At least they are both in a better place now and can't suffer anymore. Sending love and hugs right back at you.

 

[Jumper Geo]

So sorry to hear your father has died from this evil virus, try to stay strong and make him proud, I know it's easier said than done but try your hardest, your still young and hopefully you can work out your problems, it's surreal every day you wake up and the figures appear in front of you 400, 700 and 1000 people dying overnight, it's so sad.

I hope you find peace.

Best wishes

Geo

 

[BlackPoppet]

Thank you BlackPoppet, I'm very sorry to hear about your Mom too, it's heartbreaking. At least they are both in a better place now and can't suffer anymore. Sending love and hugs right back at you.

Thank you very much Biggie! Thank you for the love and hugs. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

I am so, so sorry. Jesus christ, I can't imagine the pain you're in because thinking about it hurts too much. My dad is probably the closest member in my family and even though we're really close now, I still cry about the fact he wasn't there for me when I was a little girl and needed him the most. I'm not ready to lose my dad and I'm sure I'd 100% be in your position if I lost him. It doesn't feel right to say pro-suicide but knowing how much it hurts, I can't help but believe the afterlife is so much better than this.

If my family never loved me, it would be 100x easier to ctb. Then, I would truly have no worries. Literally nothing to worry about. However, my family loves me very much and I know I'll have to face my guilt head-on when I pass. I'm sure it'll hurt a lot but I think I can forgive myself and move on.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It really does get easier. It never goes away but it does get easier over time.

I decided to measure my grief physically. My Mum was cremated and we scattered her ashes in the same location as my Dad's, up on the moors that they loved. When I was made redundant after Mum died, and moved back into the family home, I went to visit the site. But something felt off.
I was gardening at the time and the garden was full of stones. I dug them all up and had a huge pile. So every day, I walked out to the site where we'd scattered my Mum and Dad's ashes and took a single stone with me and laid it down there.
After a week, there was a small pile. After a month, there was a cairn. After a couple of months there was a large cairn. As time progressed, I didn't go every day. As more time progressed, I didn't take stones with me anymore, I just laid one off the path if I happened to be passing. Now I don't visit at all due to illness.
My sister started to do it too when she visited, but she'd take several stones. I'd smile and say 'it's not about the size of the cairn, is it, just take one.'

In that way, I measured my grief and it was very cathartic, also giving my Mum and Dad a memorial.

Obviously, your situation is different, but is their some way you can physically manage and track your feelings in a similar way? It might not be appropriate for you and I apologise if not, but it did really help me.