My Dad has passed away and I just want to die, once and for all.

[Una]

I am so very sorry for your loss ... so sorry.

The pain we feel when we lose those we love is as deep as was/is our love for them.

There is an old proverb that says that a person never really dies until there is someone to say their name.

I say the names of those I have lost. Which is all of them. My family that is. In the depth of night. On a solitary walk. Just gently.

To tell them that I love them. Always.

I cannot know if any of this will be of any help to you. Just hope that it might.

 

[Biggie]

I am so, so sorry. Jesus christ, I can't imagine the pain you're in because thinking about it hurts too much. My dad is probably the closest member in my family and even though we're really close now, I still cry about the fact he wasn't there for me when I was a little girl and needed him the most. I'm not ready to lose my dad and I'm sure I'd 100% be in your position if I lost him. It doesn't feel right to say pro-suicide but knowing how much it hurts, I can't help but believe the afterlife is so much better than this.

If my family never loved me, it would be 100x easier to ctb. Then, I would truly have no worries. Literally nothing to worry about. However, my family loves me very much and I know I'll have to face my guilt head-on when I pass. I'm sure it'll hurt a lot but I think I can forgive myself and move on.

It sounds like we have similar relationships with our loved ones, me and my Dad are best friends and inseparable when we were together. Please, and this applies to everybody in this thread, right now go tell your Dad/loved ones you love them. I'd give anything to be able to say that to him one more time, but whilst it's too late for me now, I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain, guilt and regret I do right now.

Be strong my friend, thank you for sharing your story

It really does get easier. It never goes away but it does get easier over time.

I decided to measure my grief physically. My Mum was cremated and we scattered her ashes in the same location as my Dad's, up on the moors that they loved. When I was made redundant after Mum died, and moved back into the family home, I went to visit the site. But something felt off.
I was gardening at the time and the garden was full of stones. I dug them all up and had a huge pile. So every day, I walked out to the site where we'd scattered my Mum and Dad's ashes and took a single stone with me and laid it down there.
After a week, there was a small pile. After a month, there was a cairn. After a couple of months there was a large cairn. As time progressed, I didn't go every day. As more time progressed, I didn't take stones with me anymore, I just laid one off the path if I happened to be passing. Now I don't visit at all due to illness.
My sister started to do it too when she visited, but she'd take several stones. I'd smile and say 'it's not about the size of the cairn, is it, just take one.'

In that way, I measured my grief and it was very cathartic, also giving my Mum and Dad a memorial.

Obviously, your situation is different, but is their some way you can physically manage and track your feelings in a similar way? It might not be appropriate for you and I apologise if not, but it did really help me.

That is a lovely story Underscore, I'm really glad you found something to help you cope and manage your grief. As you might imagine, everything is very up in the air as far as memorial and funeral arrangements are concerned as the hospitals have a large backlog and the virus has taken over so fast that there are no tried and tested contingency plans to cope with it. Today I had a conversation with my step-mom about the funeral arrangements and where to scatter his ashes, we are both keen to have a physical place that we can visit him like you did with your parents.

It's been less than two weeks so I'm still trying to process what's happened but hopefully in the coming months we will have identified our special place for him and I can visit it whenever I want.

Thanks for sharing Underscore, sending peace and love

I am so very sorry for your loss ... so sorry.

The pain we feel when we lose those we love is as deep as was/is our love for them.

There is an old proverb that says that a person never really dies until there is someone to say their name.

I say the names of those I have lost. Which is all of them. My family that is. In the depth of night. On a solitary walk. Just gently.

To tell them that I love them. Always.

I cannot know if any of this will be of any help to you. Just hope that it might.

Thank you for the message Una.

I definitely feel my Dad in my heart and on my shoulder, and I hope he can feel and hear me talking to him. A day won't go by where I don't think about him.

Very to hear about your losses too, they are watching over us I just know it

 

[InterstateFlowers]

Ahhh, I dunno how to do this quote system so I hope this works and doesn't look messy..

I just want to let you know your words are really helping me out with school and stress and this stupid, virus. Thank you for making me feel better and giving me some strength in these times. I hope I can say I did the same for you because I really do care despite how little I can do to relieve your situation. I'm so sorry and I know you don't feel brave and strong right now but you're really motivating me to stay strong. Thank you so much and I wish you the best!

 

[FailingAtLife]

I wouldn't want to put anyone through that pain I'm going through after losing my Dad less than two weeks ago and I'd feel very selfish, but what kind of a reason is that to keep me alive?
...
...
...
I wish I could get it to in place of someone else who wants to live. I'd do anything to swap places with my Dad.

I completely get your sentiment Biggie, but would you honestly have wished the pain you're in now on your dad, instead?

Given how you're currently feeling, don't you think he'd have felt 10 times worse knowing that he'd outlived his own son, which is not the natural order of things...?

I'm not saying your pain isn't valid or shouldn't be expressed - of course it is & should be; and your desire to have been able to switch places with him is the perfect expression of this.

But when your grief has abated a little, you'll come to see that your dad would have suffered *<INFINITELY>* more had the situation been as you wish...

 

[faraway_beach]

I came to this site because my father died in December of last year and I wanted to die too. I also have cancer that will probably kill me. Last year, one of my cancer doctors told me that my only job was to outlive my father. My dad knew my diagnosis and at least I didn't make him suffer the death of a child. Whatever else in life I've failed at, at least I succeeded in that.

@Biggie, all my long-distance hugs from this internet stranger.

 

[FailingAtLife]

I came to this site because my father died in December of last year and I wanted to die too. I also have cancer that will probably kill me. Last year, one of my cancer doctors told me that my only job was to outlive my father. My dad knew my diagnosis and at least I didn't make him suffer the death of a child. Whatever else in life I've failed at, at least I succeeded in that.

@Biggie, all my long-distance hugs from this internet stranger.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss @faraway_beach - and to hear you've also now got 'The C-word' :'o/ - my dear, but you have illustrated my point perfectly... :o)

 

[lueffy]

hi biggie !
i'm so sorry for your loss. my boyfriend passed away 3 weeks ago and i feel the exact same way you do. i've been the same. dealing with depression and suicidal ideation for as long as i can remember. but until his passing i've never actually truly wanted to go through with it. now it's like i don't know how to move forward or keep fighting the feelings. i hope you find some kind of comfort in dealing with this, it's tough

 

[KleinerWolf]

Biggie, sorry for your loss.

I appreciate you being so straightforward
when you told us your families will ctb if you were to ctb first.

People that care for us,
they commit suicide if we suicide.
That says enough how much they love us.

Sure, hearing that they will also commit suicide frustrates us and make us sad,
though they may not be in a position to to alleviate our pain,
hearing things like that really help me reflect whether or not I can afford to have my loved ones suffer to that extent.
Honestly, I can't.


Thank you for your post. It gives me a lot to think and helps me be more grateful for what I previously took for granted.


*Sending hugs your way*

 

[LMLN]

Over the last few weeks, my life has just completely crashed around me once and for all. Completely unexpectedly to everyone, my Dad has just passed away after contracting this evil virus. It has absolutely broken me. He is my hero and best friend. Within 7 days he went from being full of happiness, health, love, and life to gone. He was 62 and had so much more left in him. None of this feels real and all I want to do is to finally be at peace and free from the constant pain. When I heard the news, I was on my own and took an overdose. I knew that it would be nowhere near enough to kill me and is not my preferred method (for reference, SN is), but I was just so desperate for the pain to stop.

I turn 21 at the end of this month and the thought of doing so without him makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been fighting with depression and the urge kill myself for years now, even before this incident but now I feel as though this is it. I just want to die, this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't put into words how painful it is losing a parent, especially in such an unexpected, fast, isolated, and horrific way. The one thing that this has shown me is the impact my suicide would have on loved ones. It would be extremely hard on them and I would never want them to go through that pain, but I am so desperate. Relatives have told me if I was to CTB, their lives would be over and they would too (which makes me feel even more depressed and suicidal).

Just wanted to share and hear everybody's thoughts. This past six months I've been the lowest I've been in my life and I've had enough. Its as though as soon as I feel my life is getting back on track and I get over something awful that's happened to me, something twice as bad is thrown my way and the cycle repeats. There is no escape and I am exhausted. I feel as though this is my time. I've felt so strongly about ending my life over the past several years, I don't think I will (or want to) make it past 25. I just want to be with my Dad - this isn't a world I want to live in.

Biggie

I'm so so sorry. My dad just passed away too, although not from the virus. It is devastating, and I am so sorry for you. Nothing else to say but I am sorry and wish I could hug you. I understand your despair, I really do. :( It makes me want to go now. :(

 

[RileyTanaka]

Saying sorry for your loss feels so hollow - I am sure losing your father is so devastating. It sounds like he was a wonderful person by the way you've described him. I lost one of my parents when I was in high school, but we weren't close so I'm sure the experience is different here... but as ridiculous as it may sound right now, time can help a lot with grief, especially if you've other supportive, loving people in your life.

I won't lie. It will be hard. Memories will flood you, regrets might crop up, and the wound of loss will ache deeply in ways other people can't imagine. But you sound like a well spoken, self aware person - and I think with time, you may find other reasons to live, if you want to. This virus has been devastating to so many, and too many people with so much to offer get prematurely taken - it's chaotic and unfair. No one deserves this.... But you can heal. Please keep letting us know how you're doing, we are here to support you no matter what you choose to do.

 

[Biggie]

Thank you for the messages everyone, sorry I have been M.I.A. I hope you are all doing as well as you can be

Bigs

Ahhh, I dunno how to do this quote system so I hope this works and doesn't look messy..

I just want to let you know your words are really helping me out with school and stress and this stupid, virus. Thank you for making me feel better and giving me some strength in these times. I hope I can say I did the same for you because I really do care despite how little I can do to relieve your situation. I'm so sorry and I know you don't feel brave and strong right now but you're really motivating me to stay strong. Thank you so much and I wish you the best!

I completely get your sentiment Biggie, but would you honestly have wished the pain you're in now on your dad, instead?

Given how you're currently feeling, don't you think he'd have felt 10 times worse knowing that he'd outlived his own son, which is not the natural order of things...?

I'm not saying your pain isn't valid or shouldn't be expressed - of course it is & should be; and your desire to have been able to switch places with him is the perfect expression of this.

But when your grief has abated a little, you'll come to see that your dad would have suffered *<INFINITELY>* more had the situation been as you wish...

I came to this site because my father died in December of last year and I wanted to die too. I also have cancer that will probably kill me. Last year, one of my cancer doctors told me that my only job was to outlive my father. My dad knew my diagnosis and at least I didn't make him suffer the death of a child. Whatever else in life I've failed at, at least I succeeded in that.

@Biggie, all my long-distance hugs from this internet stranger.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss @faraway_beach - and to hear you've also now got 'The C-word' :'o/ - my dear, but you have illustrated my point perfectly... :o)

hi biggie !
i'm so sorry for your loss. my boyfriend passed away 3 weeks ago and i feel the exact same way you do. i've been the same. dealing with depression and suicidal ideation for as long as i can remember. but until his passing i've never actually truly wanted to go through with it. now it's like i don't know how to move forward or keep fighting the feelings. i hope you find some kind of comfort in dealing with this, it's tough

Biggie, sorry for your loss.

I appreciate you being so straightforward
when you told us your families will ctb if you were to ctb first.

People that care for us,
they commit suicide if we suicide.
That says enough how much they love us.

Sure, hearing that they will also commit suicide frustrates us and make us sad,
though they may not be in a position to to alleviate our pain,
hearing things like that really help me reflect whether or not I can afford to have my loved ones suffer to that extent.
Honestly, I can't.


Thank you for your post. It gives me a lot to think and helps me be more grateful for what I previously took for granted.


*Sending hugs your way*

I'm so so sorry. My dad just passed away too, although not from the virus. It is devastating, and I am so sorry for you. Nothing else to say but I am sorry and wish I could hug you. I understand your despair, I really do. :( It makes me want to go now. :(

Saying sorry for your loss feels so hollow - I am sure losing your father is so devastating. It sounds like he was a wonderful person by the way you've described him. I lost one of my parents when I was in high school, but we weren't close so I'm sure the experience is different here... but as ridiculous as it may sound right now, time can help a lot with grief, especially if you've other supportive, loving people in your life.

I won't lie. It will be hard. Memories will flood you, regrets might crop up, and the wound of loss will ache deeply in ways other people can't imagine. But you sound like a well spoken, self aware person - and I think with time, you may find other reasons to live, if you want to. This virus has been devastating to so many, and too many people with so much to offer get prematurely taken - it's chaotic and unfair. No one deserves this.... But you can heal. Please keep letting us know how you're doing, we are here to support you no matter what you choose to do.