Discussion My brother successfully unsubscribed. Any questions?

[bluebus]

I can sort of understand and it may not be at all similar, but I fell into a drug abuse phase and I was a POS mom that severely neglected my son. I really, really believed that I didn't deserve my son and that I was a burden on everyone. I ended up taking a bunch of muscle relaxers and sleeping pills and being inexperienced, had the best sleep in my life lol.

Thank you for understanding how it feels to lose someone you really love to suicide. It's really hard because I don't blame him at all but that just leaves sadness and wishing my phone would ring and his name would be the one on the screen.

A lot of people here can relate to feeling like a burden, and that their friends/families/ the world would be better off without them. I hope you've moved on from that thought because it isn't true in the slightest. Your son loves you/ needs you no matter what. I'm glad that your attempt wasn't t successful. A good sleep always feels good lol.

I know the impact that suicide has, first hand. I really feel for you. Losing someone as important as a brother is just heartbreaking. I've never lost family, but I've lost friends that were essentially the closest thing I had to family. I wish that there was a way to do this without hurting the people in my life, but there isn't and it really really sucks. I'm glad you don't blame him or feel angry. A lot of people do and while it's understandable, it doesn't bring the person back or help in anyway. I get what you mean about hoping to see his name when you get a call. I still have that happen to me, even years later. Sometimes I'll forget too and go to call them/text them and then it hits me again. It's a long, difficult process, and I wish you the best of luck with it. Don't ever feel like you're alone, talking about how you feel can really help.

i am here with you. its insane, would have never expected to be this desperate for an off-switch

I'm sorry that you can relate. It's seriously crazy how unpredictable (and unfair) life can be. Never would have excepted to feel this way either.

 

[MissingYou]

I was confused by the unsubscribed part until i realized what it meant. I'm sorry about everything the loss has brought upon your life.

Sorry! Before I read about what ctb means, unsubscribing was the most gentle way I can think about suicide.

You need more posts to dm. It's about showing you are sincere and not a pro lifer intent on causing destruction.

I feel very strongly that people might tell you their reason, but ultimately we were not in your brothers mind.

To all the commentors, please be aware that we are being crippled at the moment in the media abd attacks on our site. Exercise discretion. OP has access to research her brothers post.

You all have every right to feel cautious. What can I say, you don't know me lol. From me, I just want to add, I wouldn't ever try to take this site away from anyone that needs it. Also, everyone here has been overwhelmingly kind so thank you all.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Sorry! Before I read about what ctb means, unsubscribing was the most gentle way I can think about suicide.

Oh no problem, posts like this do remind me of what people who are left behind lose in the event of a suicide, I've thought about it myself plenty of times but I've slowly numbed myself to it over time.

Thank for being so kind here and understanding this website despite all the constant negative backlash it gets on social media but it isn't a surprise anyway.

 

[just_so_done]

It's not selfish to wish you had a note or something. I didn't know your brother so I can't offer insight on why he specifically didn't write a note, but some common reasons I've heard (and to an extent experienced) are lack of energy, not knowing what to write and being too lost in apathy (not that he didn't care about you, but that he didn't have the capacity to think a letter mattered). Just know that it's most likely the case that the lack of note was due to an inability on his end somewhere, not due to you. I'm sorry for your loss and I really appreciate how you're approaching your brother's memory and the people here.

On the question of what desperation like this is like and why death. Personally there isn't some acute moment of change. I first wanted to die when I was 10 and by the time I was 11 or 12 it became constant. I don't really know how to describe it because I have no idea what it's like to not want to die at this point. I would often beg for anything to kill me. I guess I still do, but I'd like to think it's less dramatic now (I never did so where anyone would hear if I did it out loud at all). It's dread every time you wake up. It's every extra bad thing you do or that's done to you being confirmation that it would just be better to be done. It's wanting the world to be better off without you because then you're justified and you're allowed to just finally stop. It's days of overwhelming intense feelings and days of complete apathy that make it so moving to scratch an itch on your nose is too much effort. It's trying over and over again only to end up in a worse place. It's feeling guilty for not responding to people, but just not having the energy until you just haven't talked to a bunch of your friends for months. It's being terrified of having your autonomy taken away if anyone finds out. I don't know. I could reference a bunch more little snapshots, but in the end it's pain. Constant and always there and the only guaranteed way to make it stop is dying.

I can really relate to how you described the feeling of desperation and for me it also started really young. everything you said i feel and couldn't have described it better. sorry you're going through this because i know the pain your feeling, all of it.

 

[Jan1193]

Hi guys. I do not share the same tendencies toward suicide but being involved in someone I loved very much committing suicide does give me a perspective on not only what works but also how it effects those close to you. If you choose to go through with it, maybe considering that there may be some people that love you and minimizing your impact on them would help. You have to do what's right for you.

I also have some questions about what was going through my brother's head before he decided to ctb. Maybe you can offer me some insight.

Before I start to leave an explanation, I really want to thank you all of members that haven wrote here. Most of your words really touched me, and even when I cried, it felt different in any way. You're so human and gentle, and I can't explain why people like you must have so many suffering. Is unffair.

I send you a very kind hugh, and I'm really sorry for your loss. As a sister with desires of CBT, I don't know how to said my feels without the fear of cause more pain, for my older brother, my people, and maybe you. My mother past away the last year in november, we lived together in our grand-parents house (they rest in peace). I'm alone since she was gone, and every day, every week and every month feels like an agony. Some of my family told me that I would be with them, but in the deepest, I know they have their lifes. I don't feel like a person anymore, I have become a problem, not a remain of my mother as her daughter. I don't believe that I fit in a place with them or with my friends. As a human, I feel the degradation and I know well how will it ends. I prefer not to being here meanwhile I still have a heart, and not just an apatic, miserable and irritating phantom of myself.

In the beggining, I didn't throught of leaving letters for them, exactly for the weakness and nihilism that one has described. NEVER is a personal cause, an intention to hurt or inspiring by resentfull, specially when we love so much at our people, is just because we cannot think in many things between the personal hell or we considerate «is not so important, they will forgot so fast, or maybe don't understand aniways». I have the feeling that I don't saying nothing really important -Im sorry

But i really believe this: your brother loved you so much, and he IS gratefull with all your kind words, your actions, your help and your constantly love for him. The soul never forget who was there even when we don't want to be with ourselves. Even the most tiny moment, he take that with him, and is with you too. I send you my best wishes, and soon you can find realm and relief. Take your time, we are here to read you and support you, as you supported your brother.

Hi guys. I do not share the same tendencies toward suicide but being involved in someone I loved very much committing suicide does give me a perspective on not only what works but also how it effects those close to you. If you choose to go through with it, maybe considering that there may be some people that love you and minimizing your impact on them would help. You have to do what's right for you.

I also have some questions about what was going through my brother's head before he decided to ctb. Maybe you can offer me some insight.

Before I start to leave an explanation, I really want to thank you all of members that haven wrote here. Most of your words really touched me, and even when I cried, it felt different in any way. You're so human and gentle, and I can't explain why people like you must have so many suffering. Is unffair.

I send you a very kind hugh, and I'm really sorry for your loss. As a sister with desires of CBT, I don't know how to said my feels without the fear of cause more pain, for my older brother, my people, and maybe you. My mother past away the last year in november, we lived together in our grand-parents house (they rest in peace). I'm alone since she was gone, and every day, every week and every month feels like an agony. Some of my family told me that I would be with them, but in the deepest, I know they have their lifes. I don't feel like a person anymore, I have become a problem, not a remain of my mother as her daughter. I don't believe that I fit in a place with them or with my friends. As a human, I feel the degradation and I know well how will it ends. I prefer not to being here meanwhile I still have a heart, and not just an apatic, miserable and irritating phantom of myself.

In the beggining, I didn't throught of leaving letters for them, exactly for the weakness and nihilism that one has described. NEVER is a personal cause, an intention to hurt or inspiring by resentfull, specially when we love so much at our people, is just because we cannot think in many things between the personal hell or we considerate «is not so important, they will forgot so fast, or maybe don't understand aniways». I have the feeling that I don't saying nothing really important -Im sorry

But i really believe this: your brother loved you so much, and he IS gratefull with all your kind words, your actions, your help and your constantly love for him. The soul never forget who was there even when we don't want to be with ourselves. Even the most tiny moment, he take that with him, and is with you too. I send you my best wishes, and soon you can find peace of mind and relief. Take your time, we are here to read you and support you, as you supported your brother

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Hi guys. I do not share the same tendencies toward suicide but being involved in someone I loved very much committing suicide does give me a perspective on not only what works but also how it effects those close to you. If you choose to go through with it, maybe considering that there may be some people that love you and minimizing your impact on them would help. You have to do what's right for you.

I also have some questions about what was going through my brother's head before he decided to ctb. Maybe you can offer me some insight.

Sorry for your loss op.

None of us here can know exactly how your brother was thinking/feeling.

But plenty of people can understand the feeling of guilt that washes over you when you think about how your ctb will effect your loved ones.

But it can be very difficult to put anything ahead of ending your own pain, when you're in such a desperate place. And I think your brother was entitled to put his own needs first if he was in such a bad place and obviously suffering so much.

Grieving is tricky process. But hopefully in time you can come to accept your brother's choice and be happy that he is no longer suffering.

At this point, perhaps you will view his choice as an act of self care rather than one of selfishness. As, from his perspective, it may have been the only option left on the table with which to take back control of his situation. (As is the case for many of us on this site)

 

[KillMeh]

He had numerous pictures of his apartment but they were all random things (A picture of his bathroom mirror showing his towels hanging on the wall, a picture of his drawer with miscellaneous papers). I can't imagine why he thought they'd be relevant but I also wasn't in his headspace.

I have random pics of stuff to give away online...

I know it's also selfish and it may be that he thought I wouldn't care, but there was no goodbye, no note, and I can see if he really thought no one would care but jeez, now I feel like he didn't care.

I don't think this is selfish, but maybe your brother wasn't in headspace to provide you with good bye times. Which is unfortunate. Even though I've read your posts, still can't bring myself to write a note. Not because I'm lazy (I think?), have about 50+ scraps in the bin. In a way I'm unable to care because of my own pain and it definitely shows in what I say so...won't say a thing. Destroy a bit of old good memories with fresh trash? I think not. They have every right to feel angry, my heart is closed and I hope they're happy without me.
Hope good times are ahead of you as well.

 

[Need Peace]

Thank you for coming here and talking to us. You are so compassionate. The world needs more people like you.

I'm sorry for your loss, I wish I could give you a big hug. Your insight is valuable to me. As I contemplate my escape, I can't help but think about my sister and parents and how it will affect them. I don't want to hurt them so it gives me pause.

May I ask how old your brother was?

 

[MeltingBrain]

I am sorry for your loss , May he rest in peace .
You are also very brave for taking in questions.
I have few of my own-
Are you European ?
Why did he CTB?
Could you give a breadown of how your family reacted? what method did he use ?

It's totally understandable if you don't wish to answer these questions . Once again , I am very sorry for your loss and may the departed rest in peace and sending you lots of strength .