I don't fear this body's death, only the circumstances with my relations don't allow me to cause it. God murdering someone else would be so much easier for my disgraceful personality it still feels like even when i have now learnt i ain't a complete psychopath. So sick though, my brain used to try to psych itself into being a serial killer but i can't kill myself despite myself being the most meaningful target of any hatred within me in my life.
Group dbt was offered before all this corona virus situation went down. Bpd is hell, my autistic brain is hell. Its a double hell, anyway i really don't know what to do with myself, my parents would love for me to "open up" more nowadays cause they think it will help but really nothing but avoiding any mention of mental related things works and then i just become apathetic and feel like floating away from life until i find another worthwhile distraction chain for the day. They know in detaikl from my past opening up and nothing changes, it never does. Circumstances in my life could get better but like they basically have but it has no bearing on me, my brain doesn;t care about outside factors and i am starting to not even care what i think and just jump in front of a train and end it.
I promised my parents that i would no longer try to kill myself after failing for the 3rd time this time (4th hospital admission). Really though its gonna be a stuggle keeping that promise for even this year. My last attempt i coulda been done with life dammit, all i had to do was drop off... Why is killing this horrid death embacing brain's excuse for a body so hard.
great 10 days 6 months or so to go til my 23rd birthday, maybe i can motivate myself into learning chinese to read those novels i love that i am running out of english translations of... Sometimes i think i seriously wish i had a severe mental illness maybe then i could be happy in my head maybe leaarning skills for a new life if i ever transmigrate or reincarnate but nah instead here i am wishing i accidentaly get killed randomly like every other actively suicidal person because for once i cannot sleep before my own brain had to trigger its let's obssess about suide so that my host cannot sleep despite them wanting to sigh...
Group dbt was offered before all this corona virus situation went down. Bpd is hell, my autistic brain is hell. Its a double hell, anyway i really don't know what to do with myself, my parents would love for me to "open up" more nowadays cause they think it will help but really nothing but avoiding any mention of mental related things works and then i just become apathetic and feel like floating away from life until i find another worthwhile distraction chain for the day. They know in detaikl from my past opening up and nothing changes, it never does. Circumstances in my life could get better but like they basically have but it has no bearing on me, my brain doesn;t care about outside factors and i am starting to not even care what i think and just jump in front of a train and end it.
I promised my parents that i would no longer try to kill myself after failing for the 3rd time this time (4th hospital admission). Really though its gonna be a stuggle keeping that promise for even this year. My last attempt i coulda been done with life dammit, all i had to do was drop off... Why is killing this horrid death embacing brain's excuse for a body so hard.
great 10 days 6 months or so to go til my 23rd birthday, maybe i can motivate myself into learning chinese to read those novels i love that i am running out of english translations of... Sometimes i think i seriously wish i had a severe mental illness maybe then i could be happy in my head maybe leaarning skills for a new life if i ever transmigrate or reincarnate but nah instead here i am wishing i accidentaly get killed randomly like every other actively suicidal person because for once i cannot sleep before my own brain had to trigger its let's obssess about suide so that my host cannot sleep despite them wanting to sigh...
