My biggest problem is my ex

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm still struggling with my ex. For some reason I still miss her and I've missed her a lot recently. Maybe it's the stress from all the college stuff culminating in this, or maybe it's not necessarily her, but the comfort she provided me in times like this.

I still miss her, she probably doesn't miss me, so I don't know why I can't. We're still friends so that's probably why but I would really rather not lose this friendship, also, I've used her a bit for help applying to college. I wouldn't have been able to find my transcript without her, it was on such an odd area of my school website.

I think once I'm in college, and I'm meeting new people, maybe it'll get easier for me. Maybe I could even find someone to date. Who knows, honestly. Hopefully this becomes more tolerable and we can remain friends.

This was originally posted in recovery, but it felt too negative to be there in retrospect, so I reposted here. I hope that's not against any rules, if it is, i apologize.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I feel you on this, it feels like a piece of your soul was taken and lost forever. I hope things get easier for you.

 

[Holu]

Every relationship is unique, and I can't tell you for certain, I can say as someone who is in a similar position that I don't think staying friends is a good idea.

I have been "away" from my ex for nearly 4 years now. She goes to a different college so she's rather infrequent. I have tried on numerous occasions to separate, largely through ghosting but she will send texts and if I don't respond she will call my parents. I cant even get them to tell her no since my parents adore her.

She has enforced constant connections. If I ever interact too much with another female she will become flirty and attached until I split. She has told me I'm never allowed to love anyone else. That being said she has had multiple boyfriends since our split and has made sure to message me every time she has an issue. If I ghost she finds a way to reconnect.

I joined today because it's her birthday, and she keeps posting pictures with her and her bf. I think she's intentionally doing it on insta and snap stories only to make sure I'm looking but maybe that's my brain overthinking. I made the mistake of wishing happy birthday, and she has literally messaged me asking if I'm okay and stuff. As typically, I'm ghosting but I can't stop checking her snapmap location, or for her activity.

Between this and my BP2, I feel and believe I am completely stuck in this loop of simping. Idk how I'm gonna get out as I've tried for two years only to come crawling back. I love her, I miss her, and I want her.

For the love of everything if you can cut ties id advise you to heavily consider, since being trapped as a backup or whatever tf I am is just gonna be worse on your overall mentality.

Hope that everything works out regardless.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel you on this, it feels like a piece of your soul was taken and lost forever. I hope things get easier for you.

I feel they will with time, I'm much better off than I was in the first month following the breakup.

Every relationship is unique, and I can't tell you for certain, I can say as someone who is in a similar position that I don't think staying friends is a good idea.

I have been "away" from my ex for nearly 4 years now. She goes to a different college so she's rather infrequent. I have tried on numerous occasions to separate, largely through ghosting but she will send texts and if I don't respond she will call my parents. I cant even get them to tell her no since my parents adore her.

She has enforced constant connections. If I ever interact too much with another female she will become flirty and attached until I split. She has told me I'm never allowed to love anyone else. That being said she has had multiple boyfriends since our split and has made sure to message me every time she has an issue. If I ghost she finds a way to reconnect.

I joined today because it's her birthday, and she keeps posting pictures with her and her bf. I think she's intentionally doing it on insta and snap stories only to make sure I'm looking but maybe that's my brain overthinking. I made the mistake of wishing happy birthday, and she has literally messaged me asking if I'm okay and stuff. As typically, I'm ghosting but I can't stop checking her snapmap location, or for her activity.

Between this and my BP2, I feel and believe I am completely stuck in this loop of simping. Idk how I'm gonna get out as I've tried for two years only to come crawling back. I love her, I miss her, and I want her.

For the love of everything if you can cut ties id advise you to heavily consider, since being trapped as a backup or whatever tf I am is just gonna be worse on your overall mentality.

Hope that everything works out regardless.

Our situation does seem vastly different. She hasn't enforced any connection, I'm normally the one messaging first, she will if I haven't reached out just to check in (she knows I'm suicidal so I know it's coming from a place of care).

She's unadded me on snap, blocked me on instagram and tiktok, largely so I don't have to see that stuff. I probably would've unadded her if she didn't do so to me first. Hell, she's talking to me currently behind her boyfriends back, he got majorly pissed when he found out she consoled me once when I was heartbroken. As far as he knows, I'm blocked on everything.

Obviously I do my best to respect boundaries and draw lines, as does she and we respect those. If she asks for space, I give it, and if I need space, she's given it. It's quite a respectful friendship considering we're ex-partners. I may eventually cut contact but probably not soon.

No judgment at all here, but your ex sounds really toxic, especially the "you can't love anyone else part". Hell, just to point out the difference, my ex told me if I get with someone else, or want to, not to let her hold me back.

Idk, our situation seems very different but maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. But I do wish you the best in your endeavors and I do thank you for the advice, and I will consider it, honestly. I appreciate you, and your reply to my post :)

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I feel they will with time, I'm much better off than I was in the first month following the breakup.

That's great to hear hope it goes well for you

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

That's great to hear hope it goes well for you

Thanks, I really do appreciate that. I try to have hope that it will

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm still struggling with my ex. For some reason I still miss her and I've missed her a lot recently. Maybe it's the stress from all the college stuff culminating in this, or maybe it's not necessarily her, but the comfort she provided me in times like this.

I still miss her, she probably doesn't miss me, so I don't know why I can't. We're still friends so that's probably why but I would really rather not lose this friendship, also, I've used her a bit for help applying to college. I wouldn't have been able to find my transcript without her, it was on such an odd area of my school website.

I think once I'm in college, and I'm meeting new people, maybe it'll get easier for me. Maybe I could even find someone to date. Who knows, honestly. Hopefully this becomes more tolerable and we can remain friends.

This was originally posted in recovery, but it felt too negative to be there in retrospect, so I reposted here. I hope that's not against any rules, if it is, i apologize.

Everything about that to me is relatable, even if I don't desire to be in a romantic/sexual relationship at this time. At this time, I would be fine with just being friends with her until I inevitably CTB. However, that is just not realistic.

I am just saying that I understand that letting go of that one is extremely difficult, and I hope you can get through it.

 

[HadItAll]

You're in good shape if a breakup (something 99% of people experience) is your biggest problem.

Do not ctb because of this.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Everything about that to me is relatable, even if I don't desire to be in a romantic/sexual relationship at this time. At this time, I would be fine with just being friends with her until I inevitably CTB. However, that is just not realistic.

I am just saying that I understand that letting go of that one is extremely difficult, and I hope you can get through it.

Thanks dude, I hope you do as well. I have no plans to CTB any time soon, as I do still see a future. I feel like when I don't see a future, I might consider it but I feel hopeful currently.

It's nice to know that someone understands that letting go is very hard, and I really hope you get through this as well.

You're in good shape if a breakup (something 99% of people experience) is your biggest problem.

Do not ctb because of this.

I don't plan on CTB but it does make me pretty sad, and as I said before, I am hopeful for a future currently. I mainly use this site for support and people to talk to.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thanks dude, I hope you do as well. I have no plans to CTB any time soon, as I do still see a future. I feel like when I don't see a future, I might consider it but I feel hopeful currently.

It's nice to know that someone understands that letting go is very hard, and I really hope you get through this as well.

I don't plan on CTB but it does make me pretty sad, and as I said before, I am hopeful for a future currently. I mainly use this site for support and people to talk to.

Well, I have every intent to CTB for unrelated reasons as my break up with her isn't why I am here. If I could be friends with her again, that may have put off my CTB a few months depending, but it just is not realistic.

I hope you can chase recovery :)

 

[jamie_]

You're in good shape if a breakup (something 99% of people experience) is your biggest problem.

An intimate partner problem was 27% of precipitating circumstances causing suicides in 2017, United States¹. This isn't the depression olympics, take that chip off your shoulder.

¹ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7713989/

 

[HadItAll]

An intimate partner problem was 27% of precipitating circumstances causing suicides in 2017, United States¹. This isn't the depression olympics, take that chip off your shoulder.

¹ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7713989/

Being widespread doesn't mean it's a good reason to ctb. Like - you broke up, move on, you still have yourself.

Depends on age and the duration of the relationship, but OP is obviously college age.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Being widespread doesn't mean it's a good reason to ctb. Like - you broke up, move on, you still have yourself.

Depends on age and the duration of the relationship, but OP is obviously college age.

You don't have the authority to tell someone their reason for CTBing is good or not. You wouldn't like it if someone did that to you.

 

[HadItAll]

You don't have the authority to tell someone their reason for CTBing is good or not. You wouldn't like it if someone did that to you.

Nah buddy, I wouldn't care, if someone told me I shouldn't ctb they'd be lying.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Nah buddy, I wouldn't care, if someone told me I shouldn't ctb they'd be lying.

Well, don't do it to other people anyways. That's against the rules here.

 

[HadItAll]

Well, don't do it to other people anyways. That's against the rules here.

I didn't break the rules, OP already told he doesn't want to ctb. And doesn't mention wanting to ctb anywhere in this thread. I'm assuring that he is right not wanting to ctb in his situation.

 

[jamie_]

Being widespread doesn't mean it's a good reason to ctb

CTB isn't a good thing, it's just something that happens. I don't care for morals.

But why are so many people drawn to it if as you say "they are in good shape"? I don't get it, are we all just stupid? Love and depression is a tale as old as time from ancient rome to Romeo and Juliet. Just because you wouldn't be in that scenario doesn't mean everyone must be in "good shape". It quite literally impacts your physical health – as do most mental traumas.

 

[HadItAll]

But why are so many people drawn to it if as you say "they are in good shape"? I don't get it, are we all just stupid? Love and depression is a tale as old as time from ancient rome to Romeo and Juliet. Just because you wouldn't be in that scenario doesn't mean everyone must be in "good shape". It quite literally impacts your physical health – as do most mental traumas.

The study is tl;dr, but I assume the majority of those cases were older people.

My opinion - assuming the person is relatively young and doesn't have any other major reasons to ctb - then I do think they are in "good shape" and shouldn't ctb. Chances are they will eventually get over it and enjoy life again.

 

[jamie_]

but I assume the majority of those cases were older people

You assumed wrong

they will eventually get over it

Another assumption

I do think they are in "good shape"

Being suicidal is the definition of not being in "good shape". Here's less of a tl;dr of the impacts to your mind and body: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_heart#Physiology

 

[EfiLoneVolon]

A lot of CTB is due to UNTREAT depression.
Not wanting to diminish one suffering but if you think your life is over because you broke up with your partner, its just your mind playing tricks with you. This type of pain can be pass with time, counseling and new experience. If you CTB, some month after a broken heart without trying things you are making a mistake. Its just my opinion but i find it pretty rationnal.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I still believe that in time this pain will subside. Once you start college and a difficult course of study at that, your mind will be too occupied to ruminate!

 

[Catastrofe]

She has enforced constant connections. If I ever interact too much with another female she will become flirty and attached until I split. She has told me I'm never allowed to love anyone else. That being said she has had multiple boyfriends since our split and has made sure to message me every time she has an issue. If I ghost she finds a way to reconnect.

I am currently in a very hard situation with a person I have fallen in love with and who I still love very much, so I know the problem : it is so durable and heavy to me that this is the reason I am seriously considering to ctb, because why should I live a life with such a pain. So what I am about to say comes from somebody who sees and feel you.
This is an extremely manipulative and toxic behaviour, and **nobody** is allowed to this. Nobody.
I know how hard it is, but it can be overcome. Ask for help. Do you have a friend you really trust? If so ask him or her to help you handle the situation. Or it can be professional help.
I am not saying you have to stop loving her, or I am not trying to invalidate your situation or pain. But this lady is **deliberately** causing you pain, and this has many names : narcissism, bullying, assholeness, uncaring behaviour

I do apologize if anything of what I wrote hurted your feelings, I hope not and that the meaning of my message is still clear.

 

[FuneralCry]

There does seem to be quite a few anti choice people on here who view suicide as being a privilege reserved for whoever they think should be allowed that option rather than being a personal choice, which is what suicide should be. But anyway it must be hard to deal with what you are going through OP. I hope that if possible you find relief from your suffering.

 

[SexyIncél]

I have been "away" from my ex for nearly 4 years now. She goes to a different college so she's rather infrequent. I have tried on numerous occasions to separate, largely through ghosting but she will send texts and if I don't respond she will call my parents. I cant even get them to tell her no since my parents adore her.

She has enforced constant connections. If I ever interact too much with another female she will become flirty and attached until I split. She has told me I'm never allowed to love anyone else. That being said she has had multiple boyfriends since our split and has made sure to message me every time she has an issue. If I ghost she finds a way to reconnect.

I joined today because it's her birthday, and she keeps posting pictures with her and her bf. I think she's intentionally doing it on insta and snap stories only to make sure I'm looking but maybe that's my brain overthinking. I made the mistake of wishing happy birthday, and she has literally messaged me asking if I'm okay and stuff. As typically, I'm ghosting but I can't stop checking her snapmap location, or for her activity.

Between this and my BP2, I feel and believe I am completely stuck in this loop of simping. Idk how I'm gonna get out as I've tried for two years only to come crawling back. I love her, I miss her, and I want her.

I agree with @Catastrofe. She trapped you in an attraction/repulsion rollercoaster. Your brain isn't overreacting, you're very likely one of her birthday audiences. She's using you to regulate her own ups and downs

She may be a narcissist, or be similar enough it doesn't matter. I like Sam Vaknin's analyses; he himself is an entertaining narcissist. If she is one, she's incapable of love: this is as good as it gets. You have the most she could offer, you own her dependence on you. You're her "narcissistic supply", her drug

I'd probably "mortify" her. Mortification might even help her, not that it matters. Interact too much with other females. Fall in love with people with features she'll never attain, or at least leave her that impression

Hmm I see Vaknin highly recommends Sperry's book on personality disorders, I'll read it now. Even though he says "personality disorders" is an obsolete concept, we switch between "self-states"...

You're in good shape if a breakup (something 99% of people experience) is your biggest problem.

Do not ctb because of this.

Careful, this could make people feel trapped. The desire to ctb isn't the same as ctb'ing. Two very different things

This well-meaning advice could backfire, depending on the person. Maybe it's helpful in this case, but this is the suicide subforum; people will inevitably have problems with it

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Well, I have every intent to CTB for unrelated reasons as my break up with her isn't why I am here. If I could be friends with her again, that may have put off my CTB a few months depending, but it just is not realistic.

I hope you can chase recovery :)

Oh, I'm sorry for the incorrect assumption. Well, I wish you the best in whatever you decide. And thanks, I hope to recover but goddamn it's hard sometimes. The breakup obviously isn't my only problem, I had a huge PTSD causing, traumatic event happen in my life when I was 14 and I still don't think I've fully recovered from that, lost everything, so now I'm attached to everything, and attach easily to things and people. It's made this breakup so much harder, and therefore recovery is harder.

 

[Dawns]

I feel this. My ex made me feel like i was actually valued for once (at first). Our relationship ended in a very not good and dramatic way (which was mostly my fault). And when we went out separate ways I think he took away any value i see in myself. It's been nearly half a year and it is still so present on my mind on a daily basis. and i've been no contact with him for months; he's blocked on everything. it's exhausting. I really hate that our relationship ever even happened because if it didn't, I would still see value in myself.

 

[jamie_]

It's been nearly half a year and it is still so present on my mind on a daily basis. it's exhausting. I really hate that our relationship ever even happened because if it didn't, I would still see value in myself.

nearly 2 years later and this is still true for me too

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel this. My ex made me feel like i was actually valued for once (at first). Our relationship ended in a very not good and dramatic way (which was mostly my fault). And when we went out separate ways I think he took away any value i see in myself. It's been nearly half a year and it is still so present on my mind on a daily basis. and i've been no contact with him for months; he's blocked on everything. it's exhausting. I really hate that our relationship ever even happened because if it didn't, I would still see value in myself.

Yeah, I get that. I tend to see myself as lesser because I don't have her supporting me and telling me I'm good enough. I also blame myself for the breakup. Not entirely because she still did a fucked up thing (microcheating, texted a guy flirting for a few days before our breakup, nothing dramatic but still a bit dickish), but I was also a huge dick to her when I had no right to be, argued often, etc. I hate that we were together because I hurt so bad. I am also glad we were together because my fondest memories were with her.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I still believe that in time this pain will subside. Once you start college and a difficult course of study at that, your mind will be too occupied to ruminate!

I agree with this as well, I think once I'm there, and I have my mind on many other things, I won't be thinking about her as much.

I am currently in a very hard situation with a person I have fallen in love with and who I still love very much, so I know the problem : it is so durable and heavy to me that this is the reason I am seriously considering to ctb, because why should I live a life with such a pain. So what I am about to say comes from somebody who sees and feel you.
This is an extremely manipulative and toxic behaviour, and **nobody** is allowed to this. Nobody.
I know how hard it is, but it can be overcome. Ask for help. Do you have a friend you really trust? If so ask him or her to help you handle the situation. Or it can be professional help.
I am not saying you have to stop loving her, or I am not trying to invalidate your situation or pain. But this lady is **deliberately** causing you pain, and this has many names : narcissism, bullying, assholeness, uncaring behaviour

I do apologize if anything of what I wrote hurted your feelings, I hope not and that the meaning of my message is still clear.

I feel the need to say I agree with this. This isn't a healthy ex to be around, especially the forces connections, preventing him from finding love, etc.


Also, as a general note to all here, I'm not considering CTB (I have suicidal ideation but it's very infrequent and in times of high stress) nor do I have plans to CTB. I understand both sides of the argument in this thread. Not saying this invalidate struggles but I also agree that at my age, it would be a bad idea to CTB, I'm young, college aged (people of any age can go to college but my point is I'm in the majority age), and my brain hasn't fully developed. That being said, I also agree that anyone should have the choice to CTB.

Anyways, I still miss her and I'm talking to a close friend about how he's felt after breakups to see if I am alone in this feeling.