Venting My biggest fear is pointlessly staying alive for too long

[thouxan]

My life is pure agony. I am at the point where I have multiple anxiety attacks per day. I can barely manage to do even the most basic things. On average I go 4 days without showering or brushing my teeth. I have completely cut off everyone in my life except my parents. I have several severe mental illnesses/disorders due to things that are out of my control, I won't go into detail because the post will be too long. My situation is pretty hopeless though.

However, I keep going back and forth between my suicidal mentality and clinging onto life. I was very actively suicidal a few weeks ago, right now it is mostly passive and I don't really want to die or plan to do it anytime soon. I have sought professional help. I am stupidly going along with it at the moment, but I can just see straight through all of the bs NPC quotes and empty promises. No, life is NOT worth it for everyone. For a lot of people it is, but who the fuck are you to tell me that this constant suffering that I have been experiencing ever since my early teen years with no realistic solution or cure will be worth it in the end because I MIGHT somehow become happy someday in the distant future.

I am truly starting to believe at times that I am living in a simulation or some sort of fucked up dream which is trying to test my patience, how long I can last before quitting and ctb. I see so many people who have struggled their entire lives with mental illnesses but they naively kept going and going, only to become old and realise that they never achieved the future that they dreamed of or were promised by "supportive" family members and mental health professionals. They just ended up suffering unnecessarily for many years, when they could have ended it sooner and nothing would have changed. My biggest fear is becoming like them, staying alive for longer than I have to. I would feel so insanely dumb if I do eventually choose to ctb, knowing I could have done it much sooner and avoided a lot of this suffering.

 

[Das Nichts]

Pointless compared to what ?

 

[endless_pain]

That's one of my worst fears too, I can relate, living the life surviving or worse than ever not living at all. Like not being able to do nothing to grow in something that we are proud of ourselves.
Your fear is real

 

[FuneralCry]

I also fear being trapped here for too long, the thought of existing for potentially decades longer is something that is horrific and unbearable to me. I see no value in suffering endlessly just to die anyway, existence certainly is so futile and unnecessary, it's certainly tiring feeling trapped here. It sounds really awful what you've been through and it disgusts me when people force toxic positivity onto others, to suggest that existence is always beneficial is an insensitive delusion, I despise this anti suicide society.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

oh my god yes. my worst fear is living a miserable life for another 60 years, i want either a good life or ctb