Well I don't really know well about how to express myself. I'm autistic and lately it's more and more difficult for me to do anything, I can barely get up from the bed, my social anxiety is so bad I feel uncomfortable taking a walk. Almost every activity feels painful for me, likely because I have so many negative associations. I literally have dreams about wanting to die.
Most people never treated me with basic dignity, I tried so hard being normal, but it seems I simply cannot change the way I am. I invested so much time into studying social skills, but it's still terrible. I'm slow when it comes to verbal processesing, I can't make it faster and people used to make fun of me.
Finding friends or partner feels impossible for me. Even when I had people to hang out with I could feel they didn't fully accept me. It's just not fun to live with a negative self worth. I get burned down very quickly and then my brain no longer wants to do anything, not even things that used to be fun. I'm completely non functional. I can't find a motivation to eat when I'm hungry.
I wish so much I could be normal like everyone else. This world is a terrible fucking place for someone like me. I feel like an alien. Neurotipical people have no idea how it feels, despite them supposedly being experts on others feelings, or maybe they know how much we are suffering but decide to bully us anyways.
I don't know if non existance would be so bad. It sounds terrifying, but I have to face the fact that nothing good is there for me in life. I wish I had never been born.
Most people never treated me with basic dignity, I tried so hard being normal, but it seems I simply cannot change the way I am. I invested so much time into studying social skills, but it's still terrible. I'm slow when it comes to verbal processesing, I can't make it faster and people used to make fun of me.
Finding friends or partner feels impossible for me. Even when I had people to hang out with I could feel they didn't fully accept me. It's just not fun to live with a negative self worth. I get burned down very quickly and then my brain no longer wants to do anything, not even things that used to be fun. I'm completely non functional. I can't find a motivation to eat when I'm hungry.
I wish so much I could be normal like everyone else. This world is a terrible fucking place for someone like me. I feel like an alien. Neurotipical people have no idea how it feels, despite them supposedly being experts on others feelings, or maybe they know how much we are suffering but decide to bully us anyways.
I don't know if non existance would be so bad. It sounds terrifying, but I have to face the fact that nothing good is there for me in life. I wish I had never been born.
