Venting my appearance makes me want to kill myself

[starrvingstar]

any time i think about or look at my face i break down in tears and have the strongest desire to ctb. i am lucky i can hide in baggy clothes because looking at my body could make me vomit.

im currently taking measures into my own hands to achieve my goal weight of 90 pounds and hopefully distract people from staring at my god-awful face and judging me. although being severely underweight would probably lead to more judgement and mockery from others at least i can feel powerful, garner some pity, and look better than being fat AND ugly. alongside my desire to achieve a low weight, i also have a fantasy of my heart stopping due to low bpm. it might be terrible to say but i do hope i suffer a heart attack or body failure due to my malnourishment. if i died of illness i would not be put at fault or held to blame. no matter how small i become i can not change my features or the shape and size of my body parts at their core which bothers me because there is not a single inch of my body i do not hate but as long as i am skinny i do not think ill be worried. i say this as if i don't binge eat every night and look and feel fatter than a whale.

any time i look at my unfortunate self in the mirror a film plays in my reflection of myself taking a knife to my own stomach and stabbing it repeatedly. i try my best to avoid acknowledging my physical appearance, which results in a shit ton of dissociation any time i see a picture of myself or look at my reflection. i've yelled at friends for posting photos of me online, i take photos with them to avoid drama and make them happy even though my appearance being captured and kept forever makes me want to kill myself, i have to leave the situation in my mind whenever a photo is being taken with me in it and i avoid taking any group or professional photos. i can't even be around people knowing they are looking at my appearance without being high on something to distract me from that fact.

i still wear a mask to this day no matter where i go and can't bring myself to leave the house without it, it helps me handle having to look in the mirror when i use the bathroom a little bit better. the only thing i end up worried about is my hair, which i also find myself wanting to ctb over. hardly anyone has seen my face in years, even my closest friends of 6+ years. i wear the mask to avoid having to stand in public knowing that other people are perceiving my terrible facial structure at every angle, if i don't have my mask on I am constantly anxious or dissociated. i can't see myself being worthy of any love, i can not see anyone finding me attractive when they look at me from the side. i am so imperfect and my appearance does not even cover half of it.

my skin is beyond imperfect, my nose is hooked massive and protrudes inches off my face even including a hump to make things better, my lips are paper thin and look nonexistent, my face is covered in big hairy moles, my chin is dented in the middle and sticks out of my face, my forehead is greasy and wrinkly, my entire body is full of acne in places i would never expect, my stomach is round firm and my bellybutton frowns, my ass is flat, my breasts are massive and sag, i do not think these features are ugly on anyone else but me and do not even notice them at all. we are our own worst critics, i guess. people constantly ask me what it is about my face i specifically don't like but honestly, i don't like to tell people to avoid making them have to lie to my face while they try to comfort me and tell me my nose isn't big, or that it is big but that okay. i do not want to hear that bullshit because i know i am ugly.

writing this brings me to tears knowing i am forced to live an entire life in this disgusting vessel i hate myself i feel ugly and i want to die.

 

[epic]

Looks are not a good reason to CTB, standalone. IMHO .
A good life stands on many pillars , some more important than others. Physical and mental health (the most important pillars), Work , Hobbies, Family/friends , Material happiness etc .
If only one non-important pillar is weak, transfer the weight to other pillars don't blow the entire building .
50% of human population is male. You might not get your "dream person" but you will probably get someone decent as I honestly believe most men are good natured, kind and understanding and in the long term that's what matters the most .

PS: It sucks that you will have to make compromises and others don't , nature is very unfair and I fully understand preaching is very easy while you are the one who will have to walk the talk. All I am saying is there are ways you can cope/get over it (one day?)

 

[starrvingstar]

Looks are not a good reason to CTB, standalone. IMHO .
A good life stands on many pillars , some more important than others. Physical and mental health (the most important pillars), Work , Hobbies, Family/friends , Material happiness etc .
If only one non-important pillar is weak, transfer the weight to other pillars don't blow the entire building .
50% of human population is male. You might not get your "dream person" but you will probably get someone decent as I honestly believe most men are good natured, kind and understanding and in the long term that's what matters the most .

PS: It sucks that you will have to make compromises and others don't , nature is very unfair and I fully understand preaching is very easy while you are the one who will have to walk the talk. All I am saying is there are ways you can cope/get over it (one day?)

thanks for your reply

i feel as though my mental health is in complete shambles as well as my family life and other aspects of my state, my appearance is definitely not the only reason ive felt like ending my life honestly, i am constantly exhausted and beyond depressed. but hearing you say that makes me double think all the years ive spent with the desire to kill myself right there at that moment pounding in my head. was my appearance the only reason i felt unworthy of living lol? i dont ever really think of WHY i want to kill myself other than the fact that i so deeply want to cease to exist. everything about my life and me as a person makes me want to end it. i dont feel any joy or have any confidence as well as so many other factors i cant even begin to think of or explain and i think many experiences ive gone through and awful mistakes ive made as a human play into why i feel like id rather be dead.

i have a boyfriend but i feel like i am the ugliest girl he knows, i dont know why he wants to stay with me after i showed him what i looked and that took me months of knowing him, we havent even met so he has not even seen the worst of it. he could think the same, but no one in my mind could be uglier than i am, no matter what someone looks like they are gorgeous to me and i adore analyzing peoples features. i think online relationships help me hide a bit better, theyre all ive ever known which sucks because every relationship needs a physical aspect. none of my coworkers have seen me. my classmates have known me forever i doubt they forget what i look like, although they have said that they do a couple times. i know how the people around me really feel, when i showed my face id get rated a 7/10, all i would hear is that my face is ugly, that my nose is big and it is a fact but i dont think people can see past my awful appearance after pointing it out so often.

i hope i can get over it one day but i dont think i will ever truly believe i am beautiful or even close to it, and maybe im being too negative about it all. im just going to have to settle eventually and come to terms with it.

the genetic gamble really does suck, if i could change just small little aspects of my body i could look entirely different and feel so much prettier.

I feel you girl, I used to think and feel the same as you about myself and I would love to talk to u on IG because it's better (hiatus_mdg) you can DM me if u want :) Trust me, ctb is not what u want, life has A LOT to offer I promise you

some days i can feel that hope but other days i cant, i feel as though i can only ever pretend to live comfortably and happy.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

You seem very young, how old are you?

I think most people are insecure about their looks, it's the first thing someone else sees, based on what they see most people make decisions/ put people in the "appropriate " box they have in their own mind .

I'm 47, I still do it, I'm highly insecure about how I look, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore compared to when I was 25. But I've learned to see through looks, there is a person behind the scars in someone's face, the under or overweight body, the big nose..etc , who you might have more in common with then you think.

Ofcourse in a partner, there has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, otherwise it just won't work. All I'm trying to say with to many words is that if your boyfriend really likes you, he shouldn't/ wouldn't give a shit if you weigh 90 pounds or 110. That's just not that important.

 

[starrvingstar]

You seem very young, how old are you?

I think most people are insecure about their looks, it's the first thing someone else sees, based on what they see most people make decisions/ put people in the "appropriate " box they have in their own mind .

I'm 47, I still do it, I'm highly insecure about how I look, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore compared to when I was 25. But I've learned to see through looks, there is a person behind the scars in someone's face, the under or overweight body, the big nose..etc , who you might have more in common with then you think.

Ofcourse in a partner, there has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, otherwise it just won't work. All I'm trying to say with to many words is that if your boyfriend really likes you, he shouldn't/ wouldn't give a shit if you weigh 90 pounds or 110. That's just not that important.

yes i am only eighteen sorry if i sound juvenile i can imagine reading this post and feeling like youve been in my position at my age aswell...

youre right and this is how most people in the world think, i cant help but get upset knowing ill never be effortlessly beautiful on the outside to anyone walking by. i know its not important but its just dull to blend in.

its almost like i need to prove to my bf im suffering by getting so small, he told me hed love me either way. but even then i took it the wrong way, feeling like i have to be that small since he didnt discourage it although its obviously unhealthy. hes my age too so he is probably too immature to think and realize.

youre right though he wouldnt care either way and he shouldnt care about my appearance if it changes etc but over all i dont see why he likes me at all as a whole or how he can look at me and feel attracted. i feel undesirable. i have nothing to say really i cant explain how i feel since its all a bunch of crap honestly ahah. thanks for the kind words though i appreciate it.

 

[Archer]

everyone has a different "definition" of ugly and beautiful, just because you see someone who looks "ugly" another person may see them as the most beautiful person they have ever seen!


I used to hate my appearance and wish I looked more attractive and going through high school I would always wear a facemask even after covid I was just so used to wearing one and liked that people couldn't see my acne or my yellow teeth and other features but after I left high school I stopped wearing those masks and just started to not really care about what other people thought about me I just stopped thinking about how I looked in front of others. And though I know I am not the best looking person It no longer bothers me.

I hope you too will understand this one day and hopefully it will stop affecting you as much as it does now.

 

[starrvingstar]

everyone has a different "definition" of ugly and beautiful, just because you see someone who looks "ugly" another person may see them as the most beautiful person they have ever seen!


I used to hate my appearance and wish I looked more attractive and going through high school I would always wear a facemask even after covid I was just so used to wearing one and liked that people couldn't see my acne or my yellow teeth and other features but after I left high school I stopped wearing those masks and just started to not really care about what other people thought about me I just stopped thinking about how I looked in front of others. And though I know I am not the best looking person It no longer bothers me.

I hope you too will understand this one day and hopefully it will stop affecting you as much as it does now.

thanks for sharing man, i really hope so too. i hope it can stop bothering me.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Most things you describe can be improved. Bad acne can be cured by seeing a doctor and the right medication and skin care. Big nose? Save up for surgery if you hate it so much, until then learn how to do makeup properly, have you seen what people can do with contouring? Thin lips, get fillers and until you can afford them, get watching those makeup tutorials. Huge breasts lucky you! Get a decent bra and pull those babies up! Flat arse, get some shapewear, you can have it as big as you like :) There must be something you like, nice eyes, shiny hair, nice shaped ears, anything, try to find something and focus on that. You can do this! And be careful with your boyfriend, your looks won't scare him away but being so down on yourself could eventually.

 

[itsallpointless]

Everybody looks good at SOME angle. Maybe work on that(i.e some people look good from the back but shit from the front) maybe learn to appreciate smaller aspects of your aesthetics even if you think the overall isn't too great?
I mean that might be an extreme example but maybe your nose looks ok but your eyes ruin it, so just take pictures of your nose? And you can learn how to groom yourself around your features too from there. Learn what fashion types suit you etc

 

[starrvingstar]

Most things you describe can be improved. Bad acne can be cured by seeing a doctor and the right medication and skin care. Big nose? Save up for surgery if you hate it so much, until then learn how to do makeup properly, have you seen what people can do with contouring? Thin lips, get fillers and until you can afford them, get watching those makeup tutorials. Huge breasts lucky you! Get a decent bra and pull those babies up! Flat arse, get some shapewear, you can have it as big as you like :) There must be something you like, nice eyes, shiny hair, nice shaped ears, anything, try to find something and focus on that. You can do this! And be careful with your boyfriend, your looks won't scare him away but being so down on yourself could eventually.

thanks for all the kind options, im going to attempt accutane in may, although it may make me more depressed than ever. surgery feels so fake to me and can go so wrong, i could hate my face more. i am working hard to build muscle for my bum in the gym etc. ill try my best, i do need confidence.

 

[BloomingStrella]

If I was to kill myself it would definitely be because I also despise the way I look. It makes me sick to my stomach, disgusts me, and makes me feel guilty that people have to look at my face every time they interact with me. I really do hope you can feel better or maybe do some routines to sort of do some damage control, although bodies are probably the hardest thing to fix.

 

[starrvingstar]

If I was to kill myself it would definitely be because I also despise the way I look. It makes me sick to my stomach, disgusts me, and makes me feel guilty that people have to look at my face every time they interact with me. I really do hope you can feel better or maybe do some routines to sort of do some damage control, although bodies are probably the hardest thing to fix.

it makes me sick too and its so hard beause the structure of my face is something i can never change and my fear of getting surgeries, they cost so much i couldnt be assed. i dont look good in make up. but im trying to start accutane... i think my body is the easiest thing to fix compared to my face at least i can somewhat control its appearance overall.

no one feels bad looking at your face i promise. dont be so harsh on yourself.

 

[sick.faery]

feel you. i'm diganosed with bdd and also have eating issues and yea that would be one of the main reasons i want to die. for me if i'm anything short of really pretty & skinny with a perfect body i dont want to be alive. for me there's no point living if you're barely cute, average looking, chubby, or worse

anyways since you're so extreme with your face and stuff, that does sound a bit like bdd. you could be just as ugly as you think but maybe you're not and have bdd instead

 

[Holu]

I don't really have anything of proper value to add since dysmorphia has fortunately never been too grating on me so I don't think I can offer good advice or sound empathy.

Instead I'm just here to say I love you all and I'm sorry and wish you nothing but the best on this horrible fight you are battling.

 

[Valentino]

the world would be so much more tolerable if appearances didn't matter, I really feel you as someone who has similar features to the ones you described. It feels extremely isolating and horrible and you think nobody could ever understand. But this is not a reason to CBT, I'm not going to lie to you and say appearance doesn't matter at all, because to most of this world it sadly does. But it is not everything, This earth may seem desolate and lonely but it has so much to offer you that has nothing to do with appearance, so many experiences, so many memories and so many relationships with people who could care less what you look like. There are many things you can do to make yourself feel more comfortable in your body but hurting it via starving ect. will never help, you might think you'll feel better deathly skinny than the way you are now but that's an empty promise you are making to yourself. No matter what shape, what weight you will always still be yourself and you can't run from that. So why hurt yourself more? Being healthy will feel better than any pitying glance. Instead of doing something dangerous, Improve yourself step by step. It's nearly impossible to get straight into "diet and exercise" without giving up, so take everything gradually. Exercise once in a while and increase how much you do it when you get into it, Slowly replace things in your diet to stuff that you still like but is a bit healthier. I see you're interested in using acutane, please do! It works miracles on acne, I've seen my friends with large amounts of painful, cystic acne become glass skinned and shiny in just a year. If you don't think you look good in makeup, maybe you haven't found a style that fits you? Play around with it and see what you like. And if it ends up not looking good, don't beat yourself up about it because theres always other styles better suited to you. Makeup is what I use to cope, once you get good at it it's so much fun to do and kinda like an art-form. Doing makeup for fun and for yourself is different than doing it for validation because you just get to mess around and make yourself feel good rather than trying to impress others. Any sort of hobby like this is good for you and your mind.

It's very painful to see people that are effortlessly beautiful, it makes a person feel undesirable and unwanted especially when they put so much effort into their own looks and still can't match up. But the truth is that there is no such thing as "Effortless beauty." We as human beings criticise ourselves the most, and that's the same for all those people who you think were just born with it. One of my best friends is seemingly incredibly naturally beautiful, but I know how hard she slaves away at her looks, hair and body. And how much she's gone through due to hating her appearance including starving herself. But she is so much happier healthy than when she was dangerously thin. Everyone struggles with the horrible vermin of body dysmorphia, But you can feel better and learn to love who you are. You aren't just your looks, You are a living breathing human who deserves to be happy and i'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't do anything reckless, you are still very young and there's so much waiting for you! You also deserve to have people around you that care, desirability is so much beyond appearance. Best of luck with your battle, You are not alone and you can win this!

If I was to kill myself it would definitely be because I also despise the way I look. It makes me sick to my stomach, disgusts me, and makes me feel guilty that people have to look at my face every time they interact with me. I really do hope you can feel better or maybe do some routines to sort of do some damage control, although bodies are probably the hardest thing to fix.

Don't be so mean to yourself, nobody feels bad that they have to look at you I hope you feel better about yourself soon

 

[Viranamari]

I only faced mild insecurities regarding my body so unfortunately, I don't have much advice. If you see yourself as ugly as a reason to CTB, then so be it. There is no such thing as an invalid reason to CTB. Personally, I couldn't care less if a person is fat, ugly, etc. but I can't say the same for everyone. I get where you're coming from. Appearance plays a huge role in your first impression which affects their overall perception of you. Life certainly would be so much easier if such things as appearance weren't 'important.' To me, whether or not you're shabby or neat or 'ugly' or 'good looking' doesn't matter. In the end, I believe it all depends on your personality. At least that's what I believe. Hope this helps.

 

[starrvingstar]

I only faced mild insecurities regarding my body so unfortunately, I don't have much advice. If you see yourself as ugly as a reason to CTB, then so be it. There is no such thing as an invalid reason to CTB. Personally, I couldn't care less if a person is fat, ugly, etc. but I can't say the same for everyone. I get where you're coming from. Appearance plays a huge role in your first impression which affects their overall perception of you. Life certainly would be so much easier if such things as appearance weren't 'important.' To me, whether or not you're shabby or neat or 'ugly' or 'good looking' doesn't matter. In the end, I believe it all depends on your personality. At least that's what I believe. Hope this helps.

thank you so much and i agree with you, i dont know why i feel this way about myself when i never judge the people around me as you mentioned. it just bums me out a bit that i cant feel beautiful.

 

[voc_89]

like someone said here, what you find attractive and what someone else finds attractive can be night and day. Likewise, some of the features you hate about yourself some would kill for (as was also implied somewhat in the thread). Most of what irks you could be addressed through soft medical procedures or through gym work (depending on what BMI you have you may also develop more slimming facial features). You have already looked at doing so so you are making the right steps. Unfortunately I think social media and the recent mass advancements in plastic surgery have given us a warped sense of beauty. I never thought of myself as attractive but I have had a few relationships here and there. Likewise, you have found someone who for all intents and purposes loves you. Thats not too say you can just let yourself go now (save that for after the marriage lol) but I think you are on the right track. And slowly but surely you will get to an acceptable standard/version of yourself. I say acceptable as perfect is impossible. It took me years to understand this. And when I did, it made life's disapointments a bit easier to digest.

 

[starrvingstar]

like someone said here, what you find attractive and what someone else finds attractive can be night and day. Likewise, some of the features you hate about yourself some would kill for (as was also implied somewhat in the thread). Most of what irks you could be addressed through soft medical procedures or through gym work (depending on what BMI you have you may also develop more slimming facial features). You have already looked at doing so so you are making the right steps. Unfortunately I think social media and the recent mass advancements in plastic surgery have given us a warped sense of beauty. I never thought of myself as attractive but I have had a few relationships here and there. Likewise, you have found someone who for all intents and purposes loves you. Thats not too say you can just let yourself go now (save that for after the marriage lol) but I think you are on the right track. And slowly but surely you will get to an acceptable standard/version of yourself. I say acceptable as perfect is impossible. It took me years to understand this. And when I did, it made life's disapointments a bit easier to digest.

thanks for taking the time to share, i appreciate it and i do hope i can reach acceptance. i am truly trying my best to achieve a balance where i may be happier with certain aspects of my appearance that can "make up" for the others. i definitely can pass as average, nothing special but nothing terrible. social media definitely plays a huge part into how i feel about myself, especially apps like tiktok where people simple go viral because of their beauty.

 

[voc_89]

like someone said here, what you find attractive and what someone else finds attractive can be night and day. Likewise, some of the features you hate about yourself some would kill for (as was also implied somewhat in the thread). Most of what irks you could be addressed through soft medical procedures or through gym work (depending on what BMI you have you may also develop more slimming facial features). You have already looked at doing so so you are making the right steps. Unfortunately I think social media and the recent mass advancements in plastic surgery have given us a warped sense of beauty. I never thought of myself as attractive but I have had a few relationships here and there. Likewise, you have found someone who for all intents and purposes loves you. Thats not too say you can just let yourself go now (save that for after the marriage lol) but I think you are on the right track. And slowly but surely you will get to an acceptable standard/version of yourself. I say acceptable as perfect is impossible. It took me years to understand this. And when I did, it made life's disapointments a bit easier to digest.

no problem. I am new but the words of you and others has helped breathe life back into me after I had an incident Sunday gone. And i want to do the same and be supportive how I can. Personally, I am not on social media as it gave me a warped sense of reality and was depressive as I saw friends/family/strangers living their best lives while I was struggling to function or string words together to make coherent statements. However, what works for someone doesn't work for everyone (in that me being off social media is not a loss but for others they might not be able to function properly). Still, as I said, once you work on yourself you will see the results over time. In the interim, you will continue to get the love/friendship you deserve cause if its one thing I have realised here is that everyone cares for each other here in there own way.

 

[starrvingstar]

no problem. I am new but the words of you and others has helped breathe life back into me after I had an incident Sunday gone. And i want to do the same and be supportive how I can. Personally, I am not on social media as it gave me a warped sense of reality and was depressive as I saw friends/family/strangers living their best lives while I was struggling to function or string words together to make coherent statements. However, what works for someone doesn't work for everyone (in that me being off social media is not a loss but for others they might not be able to function properly). Still, as I said, once you work on yourself you will see the results over time. In the interim, you will continue to get the love/friendship you deserve cause if its one thing I have realised here is that everyone cares for each other here in there own way.

i hope you feel better since the accident and recover quickly. i used to be off social media when i was trying to get better and improve my life. i still hate the culture.

 

[voc_89]

i hope you feel better since the accident and recover quickly. i used to be off social media when i was trying to get better and improve my life. i still hate the culture.

I am ok physically... but mentally. lol. Hanging by a thread. No one was hurt and I was in the right. But this is like the 2nd time within a year this has happened to me. Like life doesn't want me to go but to suffer financially and emotionally. Omg. Anyway. Thanks for asking. I appreciate the thought. Please reach out if you require anyone to talk to. Social media culture is toxic, but I know for younger people its a big thing. Growing up I didn't feel like I was missing out when I wasn't following what was 'in' but I've always been a bit of a loner. As time passes, you will find out what works for you and what doesn't. Oddly enough that is one of the most enjoyable aspects of life. Figuring out yourself and what makes you tick.

 

[stellaburner]

i feel so similarly to how you do. the fact that i have to wake up every day with the same hideous face makes me want to kms. i also relate to your mask wearing thing, i still wear a mask too. none of my friends have seen my face irl at all, neither has my bf. it makes me feel like a fraud. every photo they've seen of me has been carefully taken from the perfect angle and lighting, they have no clue what i actually look like and how disgusting i look. i feel like im just lying and manipulating them into being my friend. shit got so bad a couple months ago i tried giving myself plastic surgery. definitely would not recommend. anyways its nice knowing there is someone out there struggling with the same thing. i hope things get better for you.

 

[ikadasui]

Right there with you! I can't stand my ethnicity or my looks. I absolutely don't ever look into mirrors and am constantly stuck in fantasy's in which i'm someone else. Huge reason I plan to CTB is also my looks, sucks my personality is just as ugly to match

 

[storeboughtisfine]

I feel like we look very similar. I'm so sorry you hate yourself this way. It's so fucked up we can't fix these things.

You're very brave for speaking your truth. Stay safe.

 

[starrvingstar]

feel you. i'm diganosed with bdd and also have eating issues and yea that would be one of the main reasons i want to die. for me if i'm anything short of really pretty & skinny with a perfect body i dont want to be alive. for me there's no point living if you're barely cute, average looking, chubby, or worse

anyways since you're so extreme with your face and stuff, that does sound a bit like bdd. you could be just as ugly as you think but maybe you're not and have bdd instead

this is my facial structure, i know im not delusional about it. this is the terribke structure i have to live with and thats just the face of the matter. i have body dysmorphia, not with my face though.

I am ok physically... but mentally. lol. Hanging by a thread. No one was hurt and I was in the right. But this is like the 2nd time within a year this has happened to me. Like life doesn't want me to go but to suffer financially and emotionally. Omg. Anyway. Thanks for asking. I appreciate the thought. Please reach out if you require anyone to talk to. Social media culture is toxic, but I know for younger people its a big thing. Growing up I didn't feel like I was missing out when I wasn't following what was 'in' but I've always been a bit of a loner. As time passes, you will find out what works for you and what doesn't. Oddly enough that is one of the most enjoyable aspects of life. Figuring out yourself and what makes you tick.

i miss you, reading this post again i havent been active but i hope youre feeling better since your incident. take it easy.

i feel so similarly to how you do. the fact that i have to wake up every day with the same hideous face makes me want to kms. i also relate to your mask wearing thing, i still wear a mask too. none of my friends have seen my face irl at all, neither has my bf. it makes me feel like a fraud. every photo they've seen of me has been carefully taken from the perfect angle and lighting, they have no clue what i actually look like and how disgusting i look. i feel like im just lying and manipulating them into being my friend. shit got so bad a couple months ago i tried giving myself plastic surgery. definitely would not recommend. anyways its nice knowing there is someone out there struggling with the same thing. i hope things get better for you.

im so glad you feel less alone, none of my friends or my now ex boyfriend have seen my face either. i have a tiktok where i capture videos at the perfect angles aswell hah. i always look hideous in photos and of course people always want to know what someone looks like so i can never avoid the question. i feel fake too. and i just know that when i inevitably have to take the mask off the people who have to see my face at other angles will be dissecting everything awful about it. ive cut my face up before, i know friends who have tried to cut their nose before. obviously doesnt end well. i hope you stay safe from now on. i wish plastic surgery was less risky and expensive. i dont even think id look good with different features, and im destined to be ugly honestly. id feel more fake with a plastic nose.

I feel like we look very similar. I'm so sorry you hate yourself this way. It's so fucked up we can't fix these things.

You're very brave for speaking your truth. Stay safe.

youre a beautiful person and i dont want my personal hatred to reflect on your self worth and im sure it doesnt but i never judge others and have no idea where all this anxiety comes from, but its all about myself. thank you for being so kind.

everyone has a different "definition" of ugly and beautiful, just because you see someone who looks "ugly" another person may see them as the most beautiful person they have ever seen!


I used to hate my appearance and wish I looked more attractive and going through high school I would always wear a facemask even after covid I was just so used to wearing one and liked that people couldn't see my acne or my yellow teeth and other features but after I left high school I stopped wearing those masks and just started to not really care about what other people thought about me I just stopped thinking about how I looked in front of others. And though I know I am not the best looking person It no longer bothers me.

I hope you too will understand this one day and hopefully it will stop affecting you as much as it does now.

miss you i hope all is well<3

the world would be so much more tolerable if appearances didn't matter, I really feel you as someone who has similar features to the ones you described. It feels extremely isolating and horrible and you think nobody could ever understand. But this is not a reason to CBT, I'm not going to lie to you and say appearance doesn't matter at all, because to most of this world it sadly does. But it is not everything, This earth may seem desolate and lonely but it has so much to offer you that has nothing to do with appearance, so many experiences, so many memories and so many relationships with people who could care less what you look like. There are many things you can do to make yourself feel more comfortable in your body but hurting it via starving ect. will never help, you might think you'll feel better deathly skinny than the way you are now but that's an empty promise you are making to yourself. No matter what shape, what weight you will always still be yourself and you can't run from that. So why hurt yourself more? Being healthy will feel better than any pitying glance. Instead of doing something dangerous, Improve yourself step by step. It's nearly impossible to get straight into "diet and exercise" without giving up, so take everything gradually. Exercise once in a while and increase how much you do it when you get into it, Slowly replace things in your diet to stuff that you still like but is a bit healthier. I see you're interested in using acutane, please do! It works miracles on acne, I've seen my friends with large amounts of painful, cystic acne become glass skinned and shiny in just a year. If you don't think you look good in makeup, maybe you haven't found a style that fits you? Play around with it and see what you like. And if it ends up not looking good, don't beat yourself up about it because theres always other styles better suited to you. Makeup is what I use to cope, once you get good at it it's so much fun to do and kinda like an art-form. Doing makeup for fun and for yourself is different than doing it for validation because you just get to mess around and make yourself feel good rather than trying to impress others. Any sort of hobby like this is good for you and your mind.

It's very painful to see people that are effortlessly beautiful, it makes a person feel undesirable and unwanted especially when they put so much effort into their own looks and still can't match up. But the truth is that there is no such thing as "Effortless beauty." We as human beings criticise ourselves the most, and that's the same for all those people who you think were just born with it. One of my best friends is seemingly incredibly naturally beautiful, but I know how hard she slaves away at her looks, hair and body. And how much she's gone through due to hating her appearance including starving herself. But she is so much happier healthy than when she was dangerously thin. Everyone struggles with the horrible vermin of body dysmorphia, But you can feel better and learn to love who you are. You aren't just your looks, You are a living breathing human who deserves to be happy and i'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't do anything reckless, you are still very young and there's so much waiting for you! You also deserve to have people around you that care, desirability is so much beyond appearance. Best of luck with your battle, You are not alone and you can win this!

Don't be so mean to yourself, nobody feels bad that they have to look at you I hope you feel better about yourself soon

thank you so much for your kind and powerful words <3 trying my best, hope you are doing okay.