Venting Music = pain

[ringo99]

For the past few years every time I listen to music, something painful or extremely humiliating gets dredged up. It's honestly unbelievable for me to think of songs I've listened to before no matter how beautiful as anything other than a torture device. Yesterday when I heard Take On Me randomly playing on the TV it brought up memories of high school where I used to do pretty badly, the embarrassing PTA meetings and my classmates bullying me. When I tried to play a J pop song (yes I went through a brief J pop phase) it reminded me of the shitty job I worked, equally crappy salary and the piss poor performance rating I got from HR that year. Even video game music (I love gaming) like Ezio's Family Theme that brought me to tears just reminds me of the time I had to stay with my cousin's family because I couldn't afford rent on my salary that time. They were nice to me but the shame I felt at not being able to earn enough to support myself never went away.

Any song just brings back the worst parts of life to the point where I've basically stopped listening to music altogether. I tried my best to think of something good that happened in the year I first heard a specific song but I'm coming up with nothing. I don't maintain a diary nor did I take photos to remember the past so I have no clue whether there was a time I was actually truly happy. I'm even terrified of listening to new ones because I'm positive that it'll become permanently associated with something horrible that happened to me.

The embarrassment and fear I feel is just so acute that it feels like someone pressing a red hot iron to my skin and I have to stop whatever I'm doing no matter how important. I close my eyes and ride it out but each time it happens it takes away a little bit more of me. It drains my will to do anything productive with myself more and more everyday to the point where even waking up is a monumental effort.It used to be manageable when I was in my 20s but now I can feel myself slipping away. Everything just feels pointless now. I'd starve myself to death if it wasn't so painful.

The only emotions that I feel now when hearing music are fear, anger, embarrassment and acute despair. I'm certain that this is just another sign that my time to ctb is fast approaching.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry, know life awfl even music enjoy make bkgrnd awfl mmnt, yea v cruel v awfl know how, this brain awfl thing make sffr make ruin.
%
me injury damage out space-time know how, no able lisn v hard enjoy, lisn music spcl make heart bleed brain bleed, yea sm no able make injury damage agn time, smtm no feel any even if no prblm ye brain mess all mess all rndm lisn wat this me lose all lose slf lisn thing dead prsn list no me

 

[Mr2005]

Association can ruin anything. I have to go back to before I was born to find things that aren't triggering.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, existing certainly is so torturous. In my case most music just sounds so awful or annoying to me, it's just noise and I think in this world noise very often just leads to even more suffering.

 

[Aisley]

This is too horrible for me to imagine. I'm even scared of trying. Have you tried metal? I say that because the emotional level is already at a ten, and it might carry you. I don't even know. I'm sorry. Korn's music actually is about shame sometimes, and exercising poisons. Again, I don't know.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

Yeahh I experience this often especially when expericing emotional flashbacks. Can't watch certain media either. Was watching a kpop variety thingy & it reminded me of the zoom call I did yesterday and my own embarrassments/shame that I feel... couldn't watch it.


It's hard when things we enjoy can have a negative association. Sometimes time helps. Otherwise I dunno tbh.

Hopefully ur able to enjoy some music again

 

[Minsu]

Same here, I get some kind of anxiety when I listen to music..