daikon
trash golem
- Dec 26, 2018
- 142
I'm posting so much, but I can't help it! I should've joined one of these sites a long time ago.
I'm here because my boyfriend was murdered in 2018. I was thinking about suicide a lot before then, but when his death and all the things that came after it really cemented the necessity of suicide in my mind. I wanted to have a thread where people could talk about their significant others, their mourning, and their suicidal feelings without anyone throwing hotline numbers and platitudes at them.
I guess I'll start:
My "boyfriend" was technically my ex when he died, since he'd broken up with me three days before, but I like to think of him as my boyfriend. I was hoping I'd get a chance to convince him to take me back. I'll call him Jean-Pierre here -- it's a kind of nickname I had for him. His death was actually international news, and his family valued their privacy surrounding this a lot.
I met him February 2017 at a Mitski concert in Paris. We got to talking, I thought he was cute and wanted more French friends, so we exchanged contact information. I was so blown away by how kind, intelligent, funny, and charming he was. He had a way of making you feel like you were the most fascinating person he'd ever met. We started dating in March, and did about eight months of long distance and seven months of in-person dating -- I'd fly back to France to visit him whenever I could. We were both depressed, and I had student loans and was struggling to find a way to join him in France. Things got to be too hard, and he broke up with me last spring. A terrorist slit his throat a few days later, not far from where he worked.
I think about him all the time, how beautiful and smart he was, how blissfully happy I was with him -- not all the time, but sometimes. When I met him, I realized I'd been dreaming of someone like him, and I could hardly believe I had the good fortune to meet him by chance all the way on the other side of the Atlantic. With him gone, I'm left to mull over all the things that went wrong in our relationship, all the reasons why I still feel guilty and angry. I'm so jealous of his exes -- a few of which I met at his nightmarish funeral -- who got to spend more time with him than I did. I'm so angry that his family and friends hardly talk to me, and when they do, they just tell me that we all have to live with what happened, accept it, and move on. I know everyone grieves in different ways, but it feels like they don't even care that he's gone. He was cremated before I could see his body, and his apartment was cleaned out before I could see it, so it feels like he hardly existed. I just want all of these thoughts and all of this pain to stop.
Anybody else?
I'm here because my boyfriend was murdered in 2018. I was thinking about suicide a lot before then, but when his death and all the things that came after it really cemented the necessity of suicide in my mind. I wanted to have a thread where people could talk about their significant others, their mourning, and their suicidal feelings without anyone throwing hotline numbers and platitudes at them.
I guess I'll start:
My "boyfriend" was technically my ex when he died, since he'd broken up with me three days before, but I like to think of him as my boyfriend. I was hoping I'd get a chance to convince him to take me back. I'll call him Jean-Pierre here -- it's a kind of nickname I had for him. His death was actually international news, and his family valued their privacy surrounding this a lot.
I met him February 2017 at a Mitski concert in Paris. We got to talking, I thought he was cute and wanted more French friends, so we exchanged contact information. I was so blown away by how kind, intelligent, funny, and charming he was. He had a way of making you feel like you were the most fascinating person he'd ever met. We started dating in March, and did about eight months of long distance and seven months of in-person dating -- I'd fly back to France to visit him whenever I could. We were both depressed, and I had student loans and was struggling to find a way to join him in France. Things got to be too hard, and he broke up with me last spring. A terrorist slit his throat a few days later, not far from where he worked.
I think about him all the time, how beautiful and smart he was, how blissfully happy I was with him -- not all the time, but sometimes. When I met him, I realized I'd been dreaming of someone like him, and I could hardly believe I had the good fortune to meet him by chance all the way on the other side of the Atlantic. With him gone, I'm left to mull over all the things that went wrong in our relationship, all the reasons why I still feel guilty and angry. I'm so jealous of his exes -- a few of which I met at his nightmarish funeral -- who got to spend more time with him than I did. I'm so angry that his family and friends hardly talk to me, and when they do, they just tell me that we all have to live with what happened, accept it, and move on. I know everyone grieves in different ways, but it feels like they don't even care that he's gone. He was cremated before I could see his body, and his apartment was cleaned out before I could see it, so it feels like he hardly existed. I just want all of these thoughts and all of this pain to stop.
Anybody else?
